riveerboy, good reply
that's very objective and relevant--makes sense. I don't really find myself looking at gay porn so much anymore. It's more of a non issue now that I've started talking about it. It's almost like it never happened; arousal has stopped, and I realize it's mind over matter. I can no longer allow negativity to rule my head.
I've learned that sexual orientation is inborn, but because of being abused by a same-sex individual, healthy sexual development was impaired. Sex is pleasurable, regardless if it's abusive or consensual. So being sexually abused by a same-sex individual associates a powerfully pleasurable physiologic reaction to a slew of negative emotions. People know for sure their orientation, but sensuality knows no limits. The body does not respect the boundaries of the mind when conditioned to operate in a dissonant manner.
So it makes sense that I've been aroused by gay porn. All of the men who've abused me have been larger and stronger--one of them being a personal trainer! My body was just operating normally by reacting and becoming aroused. It's what it was taught to do. It's amazing how the arousal response has receded by talking about it, by 'un-enforcing' it.
I don't buy the whole 'bisexual' theory either; if that works for some people, whatever. It's strange. I've never been attracted to men, wanted to have sex with them, but I have been aroused by them. There's where the confusion entered. I thought that because I was aroused by them, that I was supposed to have sex with them. I believed I was broken and unworthy of experiencing the sex I desired and lusted after (in my case with women), and felt that in order to feel any kind of sexual pleasure, it had to be with men. What woman would want me after being sexually abused? Strange again, many woman would (and do!) want me, even after knowing I've been abused, aroused by men. What does it mean? For starters, that I've been through some fucked-up shit. But there is closure, there is complete healing, and there is life after abuse! I can get over this! For so long I thought that was impossible, that I had to learn to deal with the conditioned homosexual arousal, the thought of never having a healthy sexuality. Not today, not yesterday, and not ever! If there are any perpetrators reading this (because they come on here) FUCK YOU! You don't live in my head anymore! I'm not gay! I won't do that messed up gay shit with you! I do what I want from now on! FUCK YOU for saying I had to have sex with men! FUCK YOU for putting me down! FUCK YOU for robbing me of everything good! For all of us on here, FUCK YOU! You are pure evil. Those of us on here, overcoming being sexually abused by other men, are the strongest men in the world. Praise Jesus for our strength! The 'old tapes' from my abusers are slowing becoming erased...the shit they put in my head is leaving...forever...FUCK YOU JOE! FUCK YOU OTHER GUY WHO'S NAME I DON'T KNOW! FUCK YOU guys for abusing me! You shouldn't have done that, you don't own me, and I'm taking my life back.
Edited by faller2 (02/15/09 12:40 AM)
Edit Reason: added more