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#267268 - 12/15/08 12:17 PM Re: help [Re: WalkingSouth]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2435
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, I'll go along with walkingsouth.
From the part one last thing. I spent 4 years at a Catholic orphanage/Home. We were allowed visitors, really anybody who was interested in lonely boys, for a few hours on any Sunday afternoon. You must keep his love from you, you must tell him that he is your everything in life. That you really care for him. I hope that he heals well, and you too.
Pete (Irishmoose)

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#267297 - 12/15/08 03:21 PM Re: help [Re: WalkingSouth]
cstjude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Mama,

If your son has a sister at school with him and loves his new school, then the situation has improved.

You did NOT overreact. Is law enforcement involved in / aware of the local school's history? If others have been abused, is there a criminal history of tolerance at this local school? It certainly sounds like a culture of silence is well entrenched. Breaking a culture of silence takes courage and if often hardest on the person who first takes a stand! I am humbled by your bravery in doing what you believe is best for your son.

Make sure he doesn't feel abandoned. That his going away to school is not a punishment for telling. Understand everything about the new school's policies and responses to abuse. Get in their face and makes sure they know who you are and what your expectations are for your children's safety.

Keep coming back here. We are always here to listen and offer support and advice.

C.

_________________________
C.
Female, Friends & Family Forum Fan

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#268030 - 12/20/08 12:51 AM Re: help [Re: WalkingSouth]
mama Offline


Registered: 12/06/08
Posts: 8
Thanks guys


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#268124 - 12/20/08 07:37 PM Re: help [Re: mama]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1990
Loc: durham, north england
Hi Mama.

I can really empathize with both your story and some of what your son must have felt, ---- having experienced abuse at secondary school myself when I was only slightly older, ---- 12-15.

If there is something good about your story it's that your son told you, and that you and you changed his school.

Unfortunately, I find it all too easy to believe that your son's old school doesn't want to even admit there was a problem.

When "eventually" I told my parents about the bullying (though not about the Sa), they took me out of school three months before I would've finished at age 15.

incidence had been going on at an escalating rate by that stage for roughly three years, but at that point it'd got to the stage where things were happening weekly.

The school however attempted to actually take my parents to court for contributing to truancy, ----- which was absolutely rediculous being as half the school didn't bother turning up. Sinse the school was on verge of closure though, the exec staff absolutely wanted to avoid any kind of hastle.

Expelling the perpetrators would've been far too public a gesture, ---- pluss, in my case there were sort of a few of them, ----- five or six regular ones and various hangers on.

The teaching staff even contributed directly to the hole abuse situation by absolutely refusing to allow me space inside the school during lunch time and insisting that I went outside unsupervised where most of the abuse happened.

four years later, when i was 19, we actually looked at directly suing the school, ---- primarily just to get the school to recognize what had happened, ---- and perhaps get an apology, but sinse it transpired the legal procedure would've taken up a considderable amount of time and energy, ---- and because I myself wasn't ready to deal with things then, we let the matter dropp.

I don't know if I can really give advice, however it does sound as if you and your son are very in tune, and if he says he's happy at his boarding school, ---- I'd just go along with it, I'd go along with that, but be there for him if he there for him, ---- as has already been said.

Before I went to secondary school I had a pretty awful boarding school experience (nothing Sa related but lots of immotional abuse), and my parents actually fetched me home from that school two nights a week, rather than have me board for the full monday-Friday.

Part of me stil wonders, ----- and probably won't know why I never mentioned to my parents what happened to me at school, but i'm fairly certain if i had they'd have done something pretty serious such as changing my school as well.

As for the community bad feelings thing, one story I later heard was that during the three months I was out of that school before I left for good,my mum had many conversations with the exec staff.

They accused me of either lying about or causing the problem myself, threatened legal procedings against my mum and were exceptionally vile.

Her response was to be amazingly intransigent. she was fairly persistant about my truthfulness, and when it came to the legal procedings was down write obstructive.

she "did not recieve"" the first notification they sent requesting a meeting with the truency board, "lost" the second, rescheduled the third meeting for three weeks in advance then was "called away for an urgent appointment" lost the next appointment letter and so on.

She was able to utterly frustrate them for three months, by which time I'd left the school and things didn't matter.

So, based on this I'd say believe your son, stick the community, and if anyone tries to do anything officially bad, fight them tooth and nale, afterall, you can always find new neighbors, ---- but not a new son.

I really hope you can work things out, and I'll be thinking of both you and your son.

Luke.


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#269274 - 12/29/08 11:55 PM Re: help [Re: dark empathy]
mama Offline


Registered: 12/06/08
Posts: 8
Hi Dark empathy

Your story is very simmelar to my boys. Started off with bullying by one boy but ended in SA by more than one. happened at brake times in the toilets and play ground because no teachers on duty.

He was beaten up so badly one day that my daughter phoned me from school because she could not find him, when I got there I found him hiding away, a split lip and a swolen eye. This was about 2 weeks before I moved him.

At this stage I did not know about the SA, we got his report for end of term this repot with his behavior of late rang worning bells for me. He got 80% for most of his subjects they also got scored for relating to teachers and pears where my son failed acording to his rapport. This for a boy that's an extruvert and can talk to anybody. I told him I could see something is wrong and I would love to help and that I could not help if he did not tell me what was going on. That is when he told my husband and I what was happening.

My husband went back to the principal to go and talk to him. Until to day nobody at the school denied what happened to my son acording to them we are just overreacting boys will excperiment and do things like this to each other. My son and this boy was nevver friends, this boy always bullied my son and as far as they were concerned
sorry have to go son just walked in mama


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#269415 - 12/30/08 06:35 PM Re: help [Re: mama]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1990
Loc: durham, north england
Hi Mamma.

That does sound disturbingly familiar, ---- though in my case it wasn't just one person who began it, ---- and most of the serious Sa was perpetrated by girls.

My parents I think only worked out the Sa from my behaviour, flinching at the S word, difficulties with physical contact and a distinct fear of being seen in any state of undress.

I also got generally good marks in school, I actually looked forward to all exams tests and mocks, sinse I got extra time for being visually impared, I took them elsewhere and thus didn't spend any time with other pupils, but bad marks as far as related to others went, ---- not surprising as basically people were devided into two groups, those who did things to me and those who didn't.

I'm really glad your son moved schools and was spared all of that. I'm 26 and only now dealing with the consequences myself, which is why I'm here on this site.


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#274697 - 02/10/09 10:01 AM Re: help [Re: dark empathy]
mama Offline


Registered: 12/06/08
Posts: 8
hi all

The new school got my son to partesipate in his first gala, at the old school this is where most of the abuse happened when they had to change from school uniform.

He did put his baggies on over his speedo as het got out the water, he did come last but I wish you guys could have seen him so proud of himself and both his parents there to cheer him on.

In my book he came first, one of the teachers that work with him and know about the abuse came to me while he was swiming and told me it is because of moments like these that she became a teacher, you can make a difference.

We tkae it one day @ a time and now after almost 3 years in his new school I see light at the end of the tunnel

Love you guys for listening and giving advice from you guys I learned what my son went through and do I understan
thanks
thanks


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#274712 - 02/10/09 12:29 PM Re: help [Re: mama]
riveerboy Offline


Registered: 02/04/09
Posts: 84
Loc: Indiana
Hello mama. I have read down through the replies. One thing that I have tugging at me is that the community does not seem to have changed itself.

I am happy that things are sounding brighter for you and your son, your family. Smiling.

I understand that small comunities can be difficult and even dangrous. Is it possible to somehow have someone from another level of your region, come through and give a nudge or something. Not to point fingers at others, but to come through town and say"Oh what is this ....Oh My". "what is being done about this?"......

Just an outsider to maybe lift the awareness within the community without placing yourselves into the picture. Somehow getting others inthe community to own it's situation and begin to bring change within. Wish the best for you,


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#275465 - 02/16/09 06:41 AM Re: help [Re: riveerboy]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1990
Loc: durham, north england
Hi Mamma.

That's great! congrats to him, and you as well for being there for him.

Funnily enough I went swimming myself for the first time in three years, and the first time sinse I remembered the abuse, ----- in a small outdoor pool in the Italian alpes surrounded by snow. I stil had to wear a water proof T shirt and shorts over my bathers and change in a cubical, but that really didn't matter.

I must admit I'm slightly misty eyed over this, ---- but in a good way.

I really hope things continue to get better.

Thinking of both of you again,

Luke.


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#340613 - 09/22/10 08:50 AM Re: help [Re: dark empathy]
mama help Offline


Registered: 09/22/10
Posts: 1
Hi All you guys

Could not remember my old log on so here under my new log on.
Just letting you guys know were we are at today. I did take my son out of bording school in the end as the T was correct. He did not feel safe wen he showered nothing happened he just did not feel safe.

He has been Homeschooled for a year and a half now and is going well took his sister out of school as well and that is also going well.

After studying this site and reading what was happening and how people coped with this alot of what was said made me think of my husband's actions towards me and I asked him if he was ever abused he denied it at first but yes he was abused as well. Just asked me not to ever tell his mother he has never been in therapy but I think that he has stood with me and my son through all of this because he has been there himself.

Thanks again

mama


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