I've been there Joel, and gone well beyond there too. If it wasn't for my terminal illness and my legal situation I would be at work right now, driving another load of meat to Chicago. But even with everything that has gone wrong, I still have plenty left to try to share here, in the hope that someone else won't have to struggle as long as I did to find their freedom. Yes, financially things could be better, but I have enough coming in to pay the mortgage and buy groceries in perpetuity. If I could sell this house for what it is worth and buy 40 acres and a double-wide or a cabin, my wife and I could retire even though I am just 51. As I have said many times, the last 9 years of my life have been the best years of my life. I am well beyond the point where my past intrudes on my future if it weren't for my desire to help others still struggling.

First you acquire the recovery knowledge, then you learn to put it into practice. First you have to learn to deal with your shame and guilt, learn some more positive coping skills, forgive yourself, take better care of yourself, and love yourself, then you have to be willing to take a few chances in life, and willing to endure failure until you do enjoy some success. And once you have some success, then you try to build on your success, until you are to the point where your past no longer affects you, and you move forward unaffected by your past. As someone else said, it is like a bad cut healing. Over time you won't have any reason to remember your past, except to try to give something back.

I am certainly not trying to bait you Joel. I am hoping that you too can enjoy the fruit of your labor as I have mine.

Your friend,

Mark

You have no idea who you are taking to here - I am real glad for you Mark that you feel you reached Nirvana and perhaps you have. I truly couldn't be happier for you if that is indeed the case.

For a man who professes such deep knowledge and understanding of the recovery process, you seem to miss an important fact - some of us will indeed get to recovered but for the most of us we will always be in recovering.

We journey forward, reach and pass milestones and count our blessing for the path already trod - then raise our heads to see nothing but another long and endless pathway ahead of us still. I don't suppose we could ask you for a little empathy?

Where do you find recovery knowledge? Are we talking 12 step program, books, and therapists? I have done them all, I am 47 never had a girl friend no less a wife, I completely do not relate. How did u get where are?
A little background on me I am 47, Eat a good diet, train at the gym 4 or 5 times a week, I otherwise have a healthy life style because I force myself to, although the depression does keep me from attaining goals I have had set for myself. My body gets injured very easily which I believe is psycho somatic, I just except the fact that I do not have all the farcicalities that healthy man have.

Any info would be helpful.

Joel:

I thought like you do for a long time. I quit recovery several times and wanted to quit many times more. If it wasn't for a few very supportive and understanding people helping me to realize my worth I would likely still be mired in self-doubt. And I still take setbacks a little harder than some people do. But I have better learned to cope with my setbacks. It has been 9 years and 2 & 1/2 months since I crossed that line in my recovery and never went back. Like I said, I am on a long-term medical leave with lots of time on my hands. Lots of guys in my position would be spending lots of time at the bar. I have close friends who are there right now.

I have tried to give some of my knowledge back to the program instead. Ken Singer wrote in his chapter on forgiveness about forgiving yourself and about letting go of your past. His chapter is on here back in September if you have not as yet read it. It is contained in a topic that Lewis started entitled "Forgiveness", that Michael (M3) and I also participated in. Forgiving yourself is a critical part of letting-go and moving forward without your past.

I have plenty of empathy for the issues still affecting my fellow survivors.

SIDUDE:

I first started therapy for my issues in September of 1986 at Cleveland State University through the student counseling office there. I was lucky in that I found a fledgling CSA recovery program just a couple of years after it had started, and two experienced therapists there. My story is on the story forum in two parts where I posted it in late May of last year. The first book on the subject that I read was Mic Hunter's book ABUSED BOYS, almost 20 years ago. That is when I knew for the first time that I wasn't terminally unique. Since then there have been other good recovery books written, and on this site they are fond of promoting Mike Lew's book VICTIMS NO LONGER. Both of these books, and several dozen others, are available from our own online bookstore off of the homepage. Another couple of books that I found helpful in my own recovery are John Bradshaw's books, THE FAMILY, about abusive families, HOMECOMING, about inner-child recovery work, and HEALING THE SHAME THAT BINDS YOU, a shame recovery workbook. SELF ESTEEM, by Matthew McKay, PH.D. is a great self-esteem recovery book. I also benefited greatly from several other therapists and recovery programs including the Hazelden substance-abuse treatment center and therapist Mic Hunter in Minnesota.

My first wife I had known for 4 years before we got together because she had been one of my best friend's girlfriends. They broke-up and two months later she threw herself at me when we were drunk. We got together for the wrong reasons and got married mainly because of family/religious pressure. Our marriage lasted 2 years and 3 months after we had lived together unmarried for 18 months, through and following my first attempt at therapy, until my 1st wife found out about my CSA issue. She left me because of my problems, and I was devastated, and my only coping method was going right off of the deep end on hard drugs.

Starting in the Spring of 1996 I came back into recovery because of a dirty drug test. After 3 trips to rehab and 3 stints outpatient it was December of 1999 before I was able to finally put my addictions behind me. I participated in 12-step programs but wasn't able to fully participate because of my issues with religious abuse as a child. I am still a devout atheist. It was May of 2000 when I left my last in-person recovery group feeling like I had accomplished my goals. And it was July of 2003 before I was introduced to a divorcee with a couple of kids whom I dated for 2 years and had wanted to marry. But she was hiding a secret involvement with her ex- that finally drove us apart. Instead of falling back into the bottomless pit, I began online dating on Match.com, and a year later I met the woman who has become my 2nd wife.

You too could benefit from reading through the "Forgiveness" topic from September. I will look it up and will tell you what date it is on if you will give me a minute. I won't say that recovery is easy or quick, because it isn't. It took me 14 years of trial and error and another 5 years of learning to put my knowledge into practice, and learning to let-go, and take chances, to move beyond the person that I had been and become the person that I am. As I said, I quit trying lots of times, and it took the efforts of several caring people to keep me going.

These days this site is a great tool that I didn't have in my own recovery. Another site that you might look at that has a wealth of recovery knowledge included is in England and is run by a member of ours. Check-out: www.survivorsswindon.com. Another site that you could look at is run by our Chairman of our BoD here: www.tampabaymalesurvivor.net. Here in Denver we have both the Kempe Center and the Wings Foundation that are both long-established organizations that provide recovery services to survivors. Wings runs about a dozen weekly support meetings in Denver. I went to one of them in 1996.

Your body gets injured because you are 47. Take it from a 51 year-old truck driver who knows.

Hope that this helps, and I will look-up the reference to the "Forgiveness" topic.

Mark

Lewis' (King Tut) post on "Forgiveness" began on September 20th of 2008.

Perhaps you missed it earlier, so I'll reiterate for you, Mark: You have no idea who you're talking to here.

When next I teach a workshop on forgiveness, perhaps I'll invite you.

Wow, Danny it seems like you hung a picture on the wall for all to see and enjoy. To share with.

Don't care what is said. I read it and saw hope for tomorrow, beauty that is out there, honest work, and a little bit of luck. Miracles happen every day. We each have our paths. Happy to hear of yours.

Peace.

Guys,

Thanks for the responses. I have to say I'm a little startled by some of them. All I hoped to do was share a little of the joy I take in the process of healing and hopefully provide a little light from another side of the tunnel when so often we only hear of the darkness.

I want to apologize to Joël for any perceived judging or for any other hurt my words might have caused. I never even thought of making a judgement, so I'm a bit bewildered to have my words taken that way. My words were only ever
intended to reflect my experience of the healing path I'm on, not to reflect any kind of attitude toward any one else. I'm simply amazed at the power of the spirit to grow in the face of all these challenges and wanted to share that perspective. These days even when things are bleak, they don't tend to be bleak in the same way they once were. I only hoped to share that fact in expressive terms. I think it's really beautiful when the old patterns start to dissolve and new ones begin to emerge.

Thanks,

Danny

ps: Sidude, you asked what has been helpful. For me, it's been mostly writing (I wrote a very graphic memoir) and lots of meditation. Buddhist philosophy and psychology have helped me hugely.

Mike, Joel,

I want to thank you both. You guys are special.
Here I was thinking I want to take the pipe (gas pipe) and just be done with it all but you have put a smile on my face and I decided I CAN go on another day.

I have my high days when I feel good and grateful to be alive but life is not that simple. Being in recovery, attending 12 step programs, listening, and talking to those with many years of recovery in a variety of areas, including CSA, the consensus seems to be that it is a lifelong journey. We can never erase the memories, and in many circumstances, we may not want to, lest we forget and return to the evil we left behind. They will be a part of us forever, like diabetes, there is no cure just medicine (recovery) so we can live another day.

Today you guys gave me the medicine I needed, so I choose to live another day.

Juni

On the one hand, no poster/member here can truly know me, inasmuch as all they have to go on is their own life-experience, coupled with what i've happened to type (and not delete) before hitting the "Submit" button.

On the other hand, eyes that see a different face when looking in a mirror aren't saddled with my particular set of assumptions, when reading what i write.

Let's just say that i'm of the opinion that the journey never ends- but the point of putting one foot in front of the other is not to stop walking... we'll all end up doing that sooner or later eventually. I just want to be able to stand my own company as i'm walking ;-)