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#275121 - 02/13/09 05:16 PM No Soul
SIDUDE Offline


Registered: 02/05/09
Posts: 47
Loc: New York
I feel so broke, it feels like I have no soul. I feel so alone and empty, I have been this way all my life thatís 47 years, nothing has changed, I feel I have nowhere left to go in this life, I am trying to hold on, though I do not know why.

I live with a darkness that few men know, I don't even know if I am qualified to call myself a man, I always hesitate to use the term. But if I don't have a major life change soon, what I will become I cannot be held responsible for. God forgive me.




Edited by SIDUDE (02/13/09 05:18 PM)

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#275122 - 02/13/09 05:40 PM Re: No Soul [Re: SIDUDE]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
Are you seeing a therapist?


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#275127 - 02/13/09 06:06 PM Re: No Soul [Re: MarkK]
wes-b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 438
Loc: Western, Canada
God as I understand her is always forgiving... I have come to believe that forgiving myself is key to my healing and my ability to forgive others... I pray for the forgiveness I need on an almost daily basis... it works for me... Try it. It is clear that my God does not absolve me from the responsibility for my actions, and that is where my amends come in, and some of them will surely persist for the rest of my life --certainly those living amends to my wife and children --

With love in my heart for a wounded and hurting brother.

May your days become progressively better,

Wes



Edited by wes-b (02/13/09 06:07 PM)
Edit Reason: still making typos
_________________________
Happy to be a recovering survivor. :-)

Continuing to meet more of my fellows as I "Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny".

My Story, 1st pass

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#275145 - 02/13/09 07:31 PM Re: No Soul [Re: wes-b]
nathan555 Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 230
Loc: Australia
Sidude
I have known that darkness, you can see my posts.
The long suffering guys here have been here for me.
Wes is correct that we accept responsability for our actions and choices
but when it comes to csa we were injured by another. For my wounds
and hurts, for the darkness that was in my heart when I shut off my wounded heart, soul and part of my sexuality I need no repentance, no forgiveness for anothers abuse of me,
I need the light of Christ to shine into my darkness
as He did
when I opened up to him - its all on this site in my posts
only light destroyes darkness.

Emptiness I too have known. I asked God to flood my heart with His powerful love which casts out fear - fear which paralised me.

I now claim His suffering as sufficient to take away my pain.

no bullshit.

see my struggles

The right application of faith in Jesus Christ works.
no fluffy stuff
man it's hard work
and I ain't finished but it's sure great walking along the path to life and freedom.

may God restore your soul (Psalm 23)

and heal your broken heart (Isaiah 61)

hold onto hope through despair
a ray of light in the darkness

yes it's lonely, its painfull,empty, and all the other negative emotions we experience
but persevere it's worth the journey

Nathan

_________________________
5 depending on God's grace gives hope
6 my dark side , my hurt inner being my struggle
8 looking to the day of overcomming

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#275183 - 02/13/09 10:35 PM Re: No Soul [Re: MarkK]
SIDUDE Offline


Registered: 02/05/09
Posts: 47
Loc: New York
Originally Posted By: MarkK
Are you seeing a therapist?


I have a counselor at this point. I have seen many Dr's and theripists over the years. I am not a newbee.


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#275184 - 02/13/09 10:39 PM Re: No Soul [Re: wes-b]
SIDUDE Offline


Registered: 02/05/09
Posts: 47
Loc: New York
Originally Posted By: wes-b
God as I understand her is always forgiving... I have come to believe that forgiving myself is key to my healing and my ability to forgive others... I pray for the forgiveness I need on an almost daily basis... it works for me... Try it. It is clear that my God does not absolve me from the responsibility for my actions, and that is where my amends come in, and some of them will surely persist for the rest of my life --certainly those living amends to my wife and children --

With love in my heart for a wounded and hurting brother.

May your days become progressively better,

Wes


Spent a number of years in a 12 step program doing just that, sitll try to fight the good fight, but it is hard when your full of darkness. People prayed upon my for years, I was physically abused in my childhood as well, noone has ever sought me for an amends, guess i am not worth it.


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#275464 - 02/16/09 04:50 AM Re: No Soul [Re: SIDUDE]
1love4christ Offline


Registered: 12/18/08
Posts: 46
Loc: ca, usa
sidude,

hello brother in christ. I am so sorry for how you feel. I relate and do struggle with the emptiness, lowliness, lack of worth, self hate, and shame behind the act peformed on us that was purely evil. i say purely evil because it had no purpose behind it under god but only satan. god does not use sin to raise you to be like his son jesus christ.

i would love to share with you the brutal truth everyone needs to know. the process for healing does not feel like its a healing process all the time but can sometimes feel just the opposite.

i've learned to just go through the emotions instead of hiding them. and i strongly suggest to stop recording the time, nor the pain you are going through and just confess to your emotions. if you dont allow your emotions to be expressed and treat yourself with gentleness, then the darkness will hover over. but take it from the lord and powerful savior jesus christ who said that his yoke is easy and the evil done to us by mankind has been taken care of on the cross.

i remind you brother, i am not trying to fix you. but i only wish to comfort you like a helping hand would to a person with too much weight on their shoulder. we, my brother, have this weight that bears down on us each day, its called sin. we must go to jesus to be restored each day to his vine. god bless brother, you are a hidden jewel who god knows you could not be taken of your worth no matter how you come or look to him. jesus christ died to make us righteous!

one of the worst problems as sinners is patience and wanting everything now. healing will never start nor continue once you rush or expect a time to heal. only us and our abusers have attempted to silence our pain. not jesus christ, he said that the broken hearted will be comforted and described how our hairs are counted.

god bless



Edited by 1love4christ (02/16/09 04:51 AM)
_________________________
nestor

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#275492 - 02/16/09 12:07 PM Re: No Soul [Re: 1love4christ]
Juni Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 12/10/08
Posts: 502
Loc: Florida, WPB
Nestor,

Thanks for the words of comfort.
I know you meant them for someone else but I accept them as well.
It it a bad day for me and like Sidude I feared what I might become.

Juni

_________________________
Today I'm O.K.
One day at a time I make the journey.

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