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#274947 - 02/12/09 01:48 PM After careful deliberation ….
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
I’m done!

For those of us who have been at it a while, we’ve come to know that recovery is a long, often tortuous, road that demands a consistent commitment on our part to achieve. I have always tried to remain true to the promise that I made to myself twenty three years ago that I would see the journey through to its end and that success would be mine. Like we all, I have scratched and clawed my way from mile marker to mile stone and have been blessed to accomplish much and I am proud of that.

However, I do not feel that I have yet grown sufficiently to claim the success that I was shooting for and it has become apparent to me of late that I have reached the end of my personal recovery journey. There is no where else to go with it and nothing else to reach for; I’m done!

Recently, I undertook what was for me the last and only hope of getting well through professional help in the small city that I live in. My doctor recommended that I see the head of the psychiatry department at our local hospital and that I undergo an evaluation so as to determine what course of treatment would best suit me and my needs.

The long & short of it that I’ve been prescribed medication to keep me calm, to help abate the flashbacks and to minimize my nightmares…..Oh, and this: “We feel, Mr Rosset, that enrolling in the local support group for formerly sexually abused children would be of great benefit to you”. Said support group is comprised of seven women and one other man!!!

So that’s it, the whole plan consists of keep me stoned while I try to explain to a group of women how it feels to be emasculated and to have my very sense of identity taken from me subsequent to being gang-raped as a child. Well now, there is a cure if I ever heard of one! Yeah, I’m done.

OK guys, I hear all of my MS friends telling me “You still have us, we care”, and I do know that that is true and I am profoundly grateful for everyone’s concern and willingness to support me. My MS friends, my cyberspace friends……….

What I need is an end to the isolation that I am imprisoned in – what I need is to no longer be the freak amongst the people that I know because somehow I just never really it in with ‘normal people’ – what I need is flesh & blood communion with other guys like me……

What I need is stop deluding myself that recovery work is helping me achieve a life worth living – what I need is to stop pretending that there is an end to this journey and that at that end, happiness and fulfillment are waiting for me and I will claim them as my prize for a race well run. I’m done!

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#274952 - 02/12/09 02:04 PM Re: After careful deliberation …. [Re: joelRT]
lars3229 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/03/08
Posts: 800
Loc: Iowa
(((Joel)))

"What I need is an end to the isolation that I am imprisoned in – what I need is to no longer be the freak amongst the people that I know because somehow I just never really it in with ‘normal people’ – what I need is flesh & blood communion with other guys like me……"

I hear you loud and clear brother! I want so desperately to communicate in person with other guys who just udnerstand what this hell is like.

And yeah, you do still have all of us and we do care. smile

Hang in there Joel.

Peace,

lars

_________________________
You may trod me
in the very dirt
But still,
like dust,
I'll rise.

-Maya Angelou

"I quite often remember to forget these sorts of things."
-Winnie the Pooh, The Tigger Movie

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#274954 - 02/12/09 02:34 PM Re: After careful deliberation …. [Re: joelRT]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Quote:
there is an end to this journey and that at that end, happiness and fulfillment are waiting


dear heavens, where did you get that nonsense? there is no end. it is your daily bread and breath to suffer this tension ceaselessly, with only mild and temporary periods of relief when otherwise preoccupied.

the healing is in acceptance of that cold hard fact.

alternatively, you can put this issue on ignore for a time, you can allow it to cause you to make choices that will determine a new chapter for you, where your life goes on automatic, and you don't have to bother doing anything but construct newer, more interesting and creative ways to convince yourself that you are figuring out how to make said baggage lighter. you could hide yourself in a contemptuous relationship, where you slowly smother your soul under a million of buried compromises.

or you could just face the music and feel the pain, and accept that it is what it is.

i too have been doing a lot of legwork in my recovery, surrounded myself with people who 'get' me, where i don't have to keep rehashing the old crap. and that helps, truly it does.

but, what will not change is the immutably altered state of being that occured one fine day, so long ago, yet so nearby.

there, feel better now?

i didn't think so, but try to stop subtracting and begin to add instead. there's that glass half-full/half empty.

add up the potential in the power of friendship by phone, email, facebook, whatever medium. add up the hope that your life may never be more than the not so empty promise of a new land to be discovered just up ahead over the next nob, thru the next clearing, around the next pass. and while you may never live to see your promise land, yet, you can take some comfort that your adventure has not been for nothing, but to prepare the way for those who will follow......and disgustingly enough, as the statistics show us, they will follow.

in the meantime, let's make a plan to visit together in toronto this summer, or late spring.

hang in there joel, it's not over yet.

your buddy, ron
[ps sorry for the cold water in the face]

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#274961 - 02/12/09 04:54 PM Re: After careful deliberation …. [Re: Sans Logos]
wes-b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 438
Loc: Western, Canada
Brother Joel;

your posts have been blessing me for quite some time, and from my selfish and self centred perspective I want you to stick around. Enuf about what I want. In my heart we are each here since we have been to hell and are walking away from it, seeing your back shows me hope. If it is God's will for you to take you leave than I thank him for sharing you with me for this time and wish you God's speed in your Journey.

Regardless of whether I see another post from Mes Ami Monsieur Rosset it matters not. You are and always will be part of my journey and my recovery.

Now to the advice piece, and you can feel free to shit-can it if you like. :-) My experience is that I receive from my God in the least likely places... my Al-Anon experience is one; a room filled with women, and the occasional man, who have been or are married to alcoholics at various stages of recovery or the disease... like I fit, I grew up in an alcoholic home and have been away from it for almost 25 years, and he has been a dry drunk for 30 years... I don't fit what I perceive the room is for... but I connect and identify with something in each meeting that supports my healing and growth. Bloody Hell, I have started to look forward to those meetings now, who'da thunk it ...

Love you my Brother, Wes



Edited by wes-b (02/12/09 04:57 PM)
_________________________
Happy to be a recovering survivor. :-)

Continuing to meet more of my fellows as I "Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny".

My Story, 1st pass

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#274962 - 02/12/09 04:58 PM Re: After careful deliberation …. [Re: Sans Logos]
nathan555 Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 230
Loc: Australia
Ron
If someone has a spear into their body we have hospitals with staff to carefully remove it, clean the wound, stich it up to stop internal and external bleeding and bandage it up. There is a healing process.

And so over ten years ago I asked - when my soul is wounded by the sword of abuse why is there no place, no councellors, no ministry in the church, or whatever to remove the sword of abuse?
Why do so many well meaning Christians tell me I am bitter (actually I am more angry than bitter) when bitterness is like the puss from the abrisiveness of the sword in my soul. It's fine to wash away the puss with forgiveness. It is cleaner, but how dare they send me on my way without removing the sword of abuse.
This is the cause of our ongoing pain, the reason why we arn't seeing more recovery.
"Dear God,
please take this sword out and bring healing to our souls"

Nathan


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#274968 - 02/12/09 05:49 PM Re: After careful deliberation …. [Re: joelRT]
nathan555 Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 230
Loc: Australia
Joel
I long for an in the flesh support group with men who were, like me sexually abused in our childhood. I did have an 8 week programme a good start but no ongoing. Since joining MS forum I have found men who understand me. Men who share experiences and insight. To those who find me a pain I apologise. Trying to deal with this.

I am trired of women councellors who don't understand. They clog up a Men's Line we have here in Australia. How demining - to be sent to a women dominated group.

Joel - please hang around. It is my prayer that as a group of men with God's help we can make progress. Man I am struggling. In pain. God HAS answers and damm it I am going to find them. hope you can pursue answers also
Nathan


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#274971 - 02/12/09 05:54 PM Re: After careful deliberation …. [Re: nathan555]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
I seem to have left my friends with the wrong impression of just what it is I meant - Sorry guys, but I ain't goin' anywhere.

I like it here and here is where I'm staying!!! Put up with me laugh

I said I'm done and I meant that! I'm done trying to get to where I set out to be from the beginning of this journey.

All I ever wanted from this was to become someone that I could be proud of and that a very special someone would be proud to call his love - I made it halfway, which I recognize is so much more than many get to achieve - I consider myself blessed and I do not regret the arduous path that I trod.

Still and all in order to go the rest of the way I need some serious and tangible assistance - and that is not available to me here where I live. The head of psychiatry's solution is to medicate me and to send me into group with FEMALES of sexual abuse.

Well I don't know from shit about being a raped female and while they certainly have my compassion and empathy for the horrors that they have had to endure, I just don't see myself explaining to the ignorant the trails and travails of being a raped and emasculated boy.

Since when in the fuck did males and females and each other's very particular sexual dynamics become interchangable??????????

There are no ressources available to me and I'm done beating my head against the recovery wall in the hopes of breaking through - that's what I meant, nothing more. I quit, but I'm not leaving. Jesus Fuckin' Christ, please someone hear me - MS is my entire social outlet.

I am trapped in my appartement and go days on end without seeing or speaking to another living breathing soul - this is my reward for such dilligent recovery work after twenty three years? And now they wanna just keep me medicated so I'll stop bitchin' about the lack of ressources.

I think I said this already, but in the event that it got missed - I'm done.

I am not hurting myself anymore just to try and get well.

BTW, Ron? I owe you a bitch-slap laugh

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

Top
#274972 - 02/12/09 05:57 PM Re: After careful deliberation …. [Re: joelRT]
wes-b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 438
Loc: Western, Canada
grin

_________________________
Happy to be a recovering survivor. :-)

Continuing to meet more of my fellows as I "Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny".

My Story, 1st pass

Top
#274974 - 02/12/09 06:01 PM Re: After careful deliberation …. [Re: nathan555]
ComicBookGuy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/08/09
Posts: 443
Loc: London, England
Well Joel, I've sigged one of your posts, and I'm grateful for what you wrote as it was inspiring but have you been helping others like me, more than you've helped yourself?

My two cents; don't take the meds and screw that group.

The one I attend was set up by two survivors following a retreat weekend with Mike Lew when they found no groups in London, it wasn't there, they had to build it and we came. What does it take? The hire of a hall and a set time to attend, and see what happens? You can't be the only Quebecois survivor, so you'll have to use this board to see how many of you there are, meet up, and start small from there.

If you've done it once already in 23 years and it hasn't worked, then try again...but only when you feel strong enough.

Thanks for that comment in the AA thread.

_________________________
- CBG

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#274976 - 02/12/09 06:13 PM Re: After careful deliberation …. [Re: nathan555]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
i'm not sure what the connection is to my post, but that's ok! i don't need to, but i will say your analogy makes my point beautifully.

for me, not only am i dealing with the 'scar' of abuse, which will not go away, i am also dealing accepting the stigma of aging as being something of a victimizing process that is not going to go away either.

there comes a point in one's life where, having worked thru the delusions of a lifetime, one simply acknowledges and yields to the truth and stops resisting greeting life on life's terms.

for me, i fret less over all the dissonant notes in my life's symphony, and feel more gratitude for the ones that harmonized.

when i think of all the other tragic illness humans are saddled with as they struggle for their daily bread, i realize that many people have it a lot worse than i do, and not to minimize my pain or any other creature's, but it helps me to put my own situation more into context, and therefore, my life into perspective.

of course, i live my life from moment to moment these days, and so hold on to no hopes for a 'silver lining of any sort.

every silver lining has its clouds.

as long as i keep getting lemons, i'll keep making lemonade....and you know what? bittersweet ain't such a bad thing after all. living in the realm of detachment enables me to not invest much of my energy in anticipatories such as 'highs' and 'lows', good days and bad, joys and sorrow. they come and they go like those clouds passing in the sky. if a lightening bolt does not come out of the sky and pierce me through, i don't say 'god how good you are!', nor do i stick out my tongue give the raspberries and say tauntingly 'you missed me god'.

i feel like i've written this somewhere here recently, so it must be true for me: i live by the 10th be-attitude 'blessed are they who expect nothing, for they shall not be disappointed.

i would find something wrong with that statement, if i thought for a second that there was any good to found in 'disappointments' and their thwarted expectations.

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


Top
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