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#275703 - 02/17/09 06:55 PM Re: Need some advice regarding my marriage. [Re: michael banks]
Kathryn Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 303
Hey Mike,

Sometimes when we grow, we grow out of our relationship.

I'll tell you a story about Rob:

He began to drink, stopped having sex with his wife, was withdrawn, etc...

His ex wife just sat there, not making any waves, not asking why he was drinking, etc...

They never fought.

Both had a need to pretend that life was perfect, and they were the perfect couple with the perfect child and the perfect career....

So... abra cadabra.... no problems.

Until the problems were so big that I doubt anything could have put the pieces together again.

The point?

You don't have to put up with too much crazy, though probably will always have to put up with some.

And you don't have to make amends for past behavior till the day you die. That whole tar and feather things went out a long time ago.

You have the right to be pissed if you're pissed. And a right to express that too.

And you have the right to some peace and contentment. We all do. And you have the right to assert this right.

I don't know your wife, only you do.

There really are mean people in the world. Or people who can no longer move back into love.

That's a decision only you can make. But you deserve to be loved.

Take care,
Katie


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#275734 - 02/17/09 11:05 PM Re: Need some advice regarding my marriage. [Re: Kathryn]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Katie,

There once was a little boy who was born into a storm.
Why things where as they were he had not a clue.
He was always alone even when the family was seven .
When he cried he was still all alone.
For they were to much into their own.
For the adults in his life were just like kids.
He never knew who was there to raise who.
That there needs came first and he was to have none.
So he learned to be and not to be too.
To need but not to ask.
To speak but not to be heard.
To feel but never loved
To never be out of sight and never be seen.
To be there and invisible too.
In the end he was nothing but a ghost.

Always doomed to be the
Strange,out of place one,who asked no questions.

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#275764 - 02/18/09 05:03 AM Re: Need some advice regarding my marriage. [Re: michael banks]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Katie,

In my relationship with my wife. It was her not I that did the pursusing. The first time I met her she was an a bad emotional plce and I remember thinking to would be wise to steer clear of that crazy woman. A few months later we met again amd it was flattering to be chase by a pretty woman. We dated a few times and the sex was great. But it has been pretty much down hill from there.
My wife is also a csa survivor.Both her father and stepfather were both physically abusive to her and her siblings.
Her mother was a alcoholic who never wanted kids but a catholic so she had 5 children. Her mother died with over 25 years of dry time or you could call it soberity but I wouldn't. Totally unavailable woman emotionally. One of the most self centered people I have had the miss fortune to meet in my life time.
And a total pain in the ass when it came to inferring in our marriage. I shed no tears at her funeral.

I am not sure why I am sharing this with you. Just thought I would.
My wife is not a bad person just a loss soul. But one I am feeling increasing trap by.

Mike

ps; why did you totally edited your first post and edit some the first part of the second. You edited out the parts that pissed me off at first.

PPs; never mind I see that it was John (Walkingsouth) who did the editing and not you. I hate the fact that they have to feel need to water everything down at times. But that is another rant(post).




Edited by michael banks (02/18/09 05:31 AM)
_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#275794 - 02/18/09 10:00 AM Re: Need some advice regarding my marriage. [Re: michael banks]
Kathryn Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 303
Hey,

Your story is much like Rob's with his ex. It really is. It's amazing.

With my previous marriage, when I think about it, I'm not sure from my perspective now if I feel I could have done some things to make it better. But I don't feel I ever just really liked him in a way that's conducive to marriage. Even when I consider the ways I screwed up, and I wasn't perfect, there's still that feeling that the real mistake was marrying someone I didn't just like enough.

On paper, Rob has more problems than my ex. But I also just like him more. I don't like everything about him, and really don't like some of his past behavior. But I like HIM a lot.

And I'm glad you shared. Sometimes sharing in a little more detail helps.

Despite the fact that I don't think I liked my ex enough to marry him, I still see the qualities that I did like, and still do.

I'm sure that underneath all of the other stuff, your wife likes things about you as well. You seem likeable enough smile

I don't know Mike, on one hand I don't regret getting a divorce. On the other hand, I sure wish I had been smarter about something - I would love to look across the room to my child's father and share in a look the pride, the joy, the pain, of having a child. It's a big void. Not one I dwell on, but there nonetheless.

And not, mind you, that my ex would have really provided that sort of communication. He's not really capable of it (not my interpretation, but too long of a story for now), and yet.... no one else is as capable of it as him, because my son is no one else's child.

Children are a big source of meaning.

I will tell you this, though, I wonder if Rob would have drifted so far afield if there had been a better match of a wife in his life. His ex can't be judged for the depth of Rob's actions, she only had the tip of the iceburg in her sight. But she chose not to deal with even that.

Like you, I'm sure Rob felt unseen even as he feared being seen.

I've sometimes gone too far in being furious with Rob. But at least I'm not indifferent.

It's a good thing you express your anger. Rob hates, hates, hates, admitting he's angry. He'd rather drink himself to a grave and all kinds of other crazy stuff than admit he's angry about anything.

When we watch movies, it's the movies where there's interpersonal strife that gets to him the most. Horror movies aren't so horrible. It's funny in a way.

We recently watched a movie about a couple who were growing apart and bickering and the guy handled it by escaping into his sleeping dreams and began trying to control the course of them. In order to sleep better and dream more, he put up black insulation on the windows and walls, etc.... His waking hours were just what he got through in order to go to sleep and dream.

He found this movie very disturbing. Think it hit too close to home.

Our waking life has to be adequate enough to want to stay there.

Take care,
Katie


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