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#274605 - 02/09/09 05:00 PM Need some advice regarding my marriage.
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Hi,

I am very unhappy in my marriage and have been for awhile. But it has been getting unbearable the since I started coming to M/S. Probably because I am not choosing to work all the time and started taking a look at way I am behaving.
I knew that I am a hard person to love because of my difficulties with intimacy and expressing my behaviors. But I am getting really tired of always being the problem. And the other people in my life being unable to address the issues that they bring into our relationship. All my life I have played the role of the problem child so all the focuus could be on me. So that the others in my life don't have to look at themselves or their problems.
Since finding this site I have tried to get my wife to check it out so maybe she can have a little understanding of what is going on with me. Also maybe to find some support for how she is feeling and dealing with in regards to our marriage. But she chooses not to check it out.
I even meet a fellow survivor a couple of weeks ago who was visiting his mother here in Ca. He and his wife were spending a couple nights in Las Vegas. We discussed about maybe meeting for dinner there with the wives. I talk to my wife about going there and getting away for the night. But she wanted no part of it.
Our lives feel as throught they are going in two separate directions. I feel as if I want to stay married to her that things are going have to be her way. I have spent most of my life being and doing what those whom I thought loved me wanted me to be or do.
We saw a T a few years back for marriage counseling for three years. The T at one point told me why not go my own way because she told me that my wife was unable to look at or address her own issues. That no matter what I was the cause of the problems in her life. But at the time I could not deal with being alone. As kid I learned that negative attention is better then no attention.
I have always struggle throwing myself at those whom paid any attention to me. That I wanted to be loved no matter what the cost to me.
Well I am at the point now that I cannot and am no longer willing to pay that price. If need be I am now ready to walk away from this marriage. I have been miserable long enought.

Mike


_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#274608 - 02/09/09 05:32 PM Re: Need some advice regarding my marriage. [Re: michael banks]
wes-b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 438
Loc: Western, Canada

Michael my brother;

I can relate to many of your points. I have lived most of my life, at least the years I could remember until a couple of years back, trying to be perfect and therefore be acceptable to my mother; something I have come to see as not possible and therefore and irrational act on my part :-( That said I now find myself doing what appears on the surface to be the same thing in my recovery from my sex addiction. I am putting other's needs ahead of mine which serves my own healing and recovery, another damn paradox :-\ this is different for me in that I was putting my mother's needs first for decades which was selfish and self centered on my part and was a significant driver of my double life.

That said I have on many occasions wanted my wife to see or do things to understand me of look at her stuff etc etc... I likely killed any willingness for her to look at s-anon when I dumped on her about codependancy, sometimes I can be a jerk. I often find myself surrendering my wants for others; especially my wife and my children. My old learned habits of manipulation and control are stickers :-} ... Al-anon is shedding light of some of these for me.

All that said, I don't know if you can identify or not... as I am certain you know, take what you can use and leave the rest where it sits :-) My simple prayer for you is that you follow God's will for your life.

All is well my brother;

Love and a long distant Hug to you,

Wes

_________________________
Happy to be a recovering survivor. :-)

Continuing to meet more of my fellows as I "Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny".

My Story, 1st pass

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#274610 - 02/09/09 05:44 PM Re: Need some advice regarding my marriage. [Re: michael banks]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
mike mike MIKE!!!!!

i am so sorry for this situation. i've always known you to be such a reasonable, compassionate guy? why would she be so unyielding??? why is this happening???

i don't get it. is her playing dead such a passive aggressive tactic? what does she hope to accomplish by not participating and cooperating with the process being offered her?

i wish i had an answer, but i don't and i feel so powerless to help. whatever happens, you have a friend here who understands your deepest heart.

hoping for all the best for you and your family,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#274612 - 02/09/09 05:51 PM Re: Need some advice regarding my marriage. [Re: michael banks]
ttoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 977
Mike,


All three of my therapists along the way have refered to my first wife simply as, "the selfish bitch." Well, honestly, my daughters do, too.

Who knew? Coming from my background where both my parents were as selfish as any two people could possibly be and, very good at pushing the responsibility for their choices and actions off on others. In retrospect, I guess, I was destined to choose what I knew.

Try as hard as I might, I could not get her to consider what she brought into the relationship. The first two therapists did, too. It just, was not going to happen. Thirteen years later she is blaming her current husband. "Woe is me. Why do I choose men with so many problems?" She'll tell anyone that cares to listen. Mostly, her friends, that encourage her, validate and God only knows how but, tell her she is right. The poor thing.

After I moved out, each time we connected after that, to pickup my daughter or, just casually meeting at a school event I thought, "Man, what did I ever see in that???" She is physically attractive but, is, very simply, a selfish bitch.


That being said, she was the one that wanted the divorce, not me. I would have stayed. One daughter was graduated and out of the house, the other was fourteen. I would have stayed for her. I have a very high tolerance for selfish bitches having lived with my mother for all those years, I figured I could tolerate it for whatever length of time I needed to.

What surprised me, were my daughter's reactions to the decision. They each were very supportive. Upset, of course, because of the change but, in agreement that I would be so much better off out of there.

So often, what brings us together, it seems like, if left unchecked for too long, will, eventually tear us apart it seems like. She was unwilling or, inable to consider what she brought into the relationship...unwilling to do counseling...so, I left.

I am not advocating that it is what you should do, just saying, it worked out well for me. The relationship I am in now...is amazing, I think.

I wish you luck, truly...


wink


Dave

_________________________
checkin out for a few weeks... whistle
02/07/09

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#274620 - 02/09/09 07:02 PM Re: Need some advice regarding my marriage. [Re: ttoon]
brother2none Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/30/09
Posts: 267
Loc: Undisclosed
and if it was 100% up to your heart to decide, you would...?

michael, you never really did ask a question in your original post, despite the title being "need advice".


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#274649 - 02/09/09 10:34 PM Re: Need some advice regarding my marriage. [Re: brother2none]
riveerboy Offline


Registered: 02/04/09
Posts: 84
Loc: Indiana
Don't Know........Life has it's super confusing aspects everywhere. In relationships thru the years I have seen my partners and others being "closed" to dealing with different things. Some of the most powerful energies inside the relationship, or outside and setting it's parameters, are family energies. How one grows up to be who they are. There are too many people who wish or choose, to not move into unmarked and unknown territories. For me, I try to choose to not judge them in their not wanting to be with me, when I am doing what I do.
I try to see their fears of the unknown, and a lot of times, of themselves. I try to see their family energy that is a part of the social surviving energies. Not wanting to go where you are going may not be selfish. There may be a deeper fear and a loss of self, that which is safely contained within the structures they live by. You may have to walk your path alone, even if you remain together. Many of us still move forward without family input.

Good Luck.


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#274650 - 02/09/09 10:43 PM Re: Need some advice regarding my marriage. [Re: michael banks]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
(((((Mike)))))

Quote:
We saw a T a few years back for marriage counseling for three years. The T at one point told me why not go my own way because she told me that my wife was unable to look at or address her own issues. That no matter what I was the cause of the problems in her life.
It would seem, Mike, that you typed in your own advice to yourself in your post.

I am so very sorry that this is happening to you - I'm here for you Mike, PM me if you want and we'll talk.

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#274657 - 02/09/09 11:33 PM Re: Need some advice regarding my marriage. [Re: michael banks]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Mike,

You've got my support as you go through this tough time. I full well understand where you're at. I've been there. Sometime I think I still am, but really, I believe my relationship has come a long way since those early days of my recovery.

I've heard from a couple of T acquaintances as well as my own T that when one partner in a relationship begins the process of recovery it will often be quite stressful on the relationship. They told me this occurs because over the years of the relationship the partners learned a certain "dance". In essence they've learned to mesh their strengths as well as their dysfunctions. Had not these traits been "complimentary" of one another, the relationship would never have left the ground in the first place. Both partners know what buttons to push, when to push them, and exactly how hard to push them in order to elicit a desired response. This button pushing can be used to provoke fights or bring about cooperative response or even loving response.

Now, several plus years down the pike, one partner begins the recovery journey. Usually the other partner looks upon this event from the viewpoint of, "Finally! Now he's going to get all those things that irritate me fixed."

What actually happens is as recovering partner learns and grows the "dance" changes. He learns not only to draw a boundary against manipulative button pushing but also to refrain for doing the same on his part.

This change of the "dance" usually and quite understandably irritates or even angers the other partner. If the other partner fails to grow along with the recovering partner the relationship is in for some very rocky times if not the rocks themselves. It can be essential at this point for both partners to have individual therapy as well as couples counseling in order for the relationship to survive.

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#274678 - 02/10/09 02:55 AM Re: Need some advice regarding my marriage. [Re: WalkingSouth]
fromtoday Offline


Registered: 10/04/08
Posts: 74
Loc: UK
Mike,

I'm so sad to read your post, I don't know you but recognised myself, my mother and my relationship with my husband in your post.

I totally identified with my mother in tton's post, I have been emotionally abused by her all of my life and have only very recently begun to slowly regain some control. Despite my repeated attempts to explain to her why her behaviour damages me, even as a young child she cannot accept it at all. I have lost any hope that my mother will ever accept her issues and work towards change, I've learn't that not amount of me trying will improve our relationship and although it's hard because what child doesn't long for a relationship with their mother I have for the least 2 years been distancing myself from her.

Your wife sounds very scared, I was overjoyed when my husband entered therapy, I'm not looking for any praise in that and identified with walkingsouth.

I wonder why your wife is unable to join you on this journey, do you think she may have been abused herself, before my husband entered therapy of this own accord he wouldn't look at any material, would get huffy if I mentioned the word or issue, I can imagine him acting like your wife if I had entered therapy.

That said, I firmly believe that you can't be expected to withhold your own recovery because your wife isn't ready, I would lay the boundaries down, what you plan to do and what you need from her, it would be as useless as waiting for my mum to be ready for us to tackle our issues together, not going to happen.

I'm sorry that you have this extra burden at this time.

Good Luckxx

_________________________
Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide,
No escape from reality
Open your eyes, Look up to the skies and see.....
_________________________________________________
Queen, Bohemian Rhapsody

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#274942 - 02/12/09 12:47 PM Re: Need some advice regarding my marriage. [Re: fromtoday]
cstjude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Mike,

I'm not saddened at all by your post! I think it liberating! You are no longer willing to wear a mask and are getting to a point where you are understandng your own worth as a human being deserving to be loved and supported. You're realizing your marriage won't give you that and you are no longer willing to live a loveless life out of fear of being alone! That is amazing! I can imagine you have put a lot of deep work into achieving that level of self-acceptance. Isn't it incredible when you realize that you have the absolute power to create your own reality, to forge your own happiness?

On the subject of happiness I highly recommend this talk by Matthiew Ricard:

http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/matthieu_ricard_on_the_habits_of_happiness.html

Be good to yourself. This is the only life we've got. Make it a happy one!

C.

_________________________
C.
Female, Friends & Family Forum Fan

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