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#274523 - 02/09/09 12:33 AM Forgiveness, Self
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
Guys I need some advice please. I'm struggling with how to deal with myself. I seem to be very hard on myself. I'm not very forgiving of myself and rarely show compassion to myself. In some ways I've gotten into this pattern of self doubt negative talk. In a way it goes back to middle school and high school. I was picked on, teased, called mean names on a daily basis. I was threatened on a daily basis. After a while I just got tired of everyone saying and calling me a fag. I didn't know why they did it to me. I still don't understand why people are so freaking mean in this world. I try to live an honest life. I'd like to believe I'm a decent guy but I just can't get over the stuff they put me through. I've been told that I need to forgive and move on but how do we forgive those who have hurt us. In a way I'm letting them control my life by actively thinking about what it happened in the past. I feel in so many ways stuck in the past. I feel like I've been robbed of a childhood, teen years. I get myself worked up with rage inside but don't do anything violent. In a way I hate these people who inflicted any pain on others. I hate people who get off on doing that to anyone. Why does it feel so screwed up? Why does life feel like a treadmill going nowhere? I think part of my biggest fear is I'm afraid of myself and that scares me to death. I want all my bad past to just go away for good. I'm always second guessing myself because of my abuse. Does it ever get better guys? Does life ever seem to be more content for you down the road? How do we move on when we feel like everyone else is moving forward and I'm stuck in the past? How do I love the damaged goods that I am? How do stand up in front of a mirror and take off all the layers and break down walls and look at myself and love every flaw and broken piece that has become my life? Why do I feel like I'm becoming more cynical? How do I begin to trust others when I can barely trust myself? Why can't I seem to find what I'm looking for in life, myself, others? What's wrong with me?
Guys your thoughts would be appreciated.

Charlie.


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#274525 - 02/09/09 02:42 AM Re: Forgiveness, Self [Re: Charlie24]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Hi Charlie24,

Well first let me welcome you here to MS, second let me welcome you to hell too, where we spend much of our time in.
Charlie, there is nothing wrong with you, I feel the same way most of the time. Like you I am in the very early stages of dealing with my/our lost childhood. I am almost 70 yrs old, my CSA memories came to the surface last August. Like you and others in this web site I go into the very depths of my soul, in and out from the depths of hell.

I and that lost boy are still trying to come to terms with each other from things that happened so very long ago. I was like you subjected to the complete range of abuse, emotional, physical, mental and sexual.

My "mother" was the very first to try and destroy this young boy, sexually and all the others listed above. She had set me up to become a friend of the familys victim. He was the only one who ever had paid any attention to me. So he had me emotionally, mentally and sexually, I was his from about 8-14 yrs old. After all he "loved" me. And I "loved" him too.

How do we deal with ourselfs? Well I have a Therapist whom listenes to me on a weekly basis. He does not judge me. I do TRUST him. However, my problem is that I am unwilling to be able to move out from being that lost boy, as I have 2 grandkids 8&9, whom I am very close to. TOO CLOSE as I am in them and I am them. (pretty screwed up huh)?

But I come right here, like you did. I come here because I'm HOME. I am with REAL brothers/friends, as we have been there and done that. I/we bare our very souls to each other, seeking answers and help. I find mine here. Compassion, understanding and love.
That sure eases my pain in being in a negative state, self doubt. We all here were robbed of our youth, innocence our very reason for being. Hell I'm afraid of myself. I have been in fits of rage and anger. My wife was at the brunt of it. She told me that we can't keep on living like this. I agreed. So next month I'll be making a big step in my recovery by leaving her and everyone else behind in Germany. I have also found out just who I am and just what I am, and what I really was all along gay.

Charlie, my brother/friend, I will like and accept you for YOU just being YOU. But we all here are on a very difficult journey, It's painful, it hurts, I/we stumble along the way, but my/our brothers here will come and help us get up on our feet and make this journey together, no matter what our sexual orientation is or isn't.

Be easy on your self, take our hands here, to hell with those whom torment us, as they are ignorant.

Got long winded Charlie, I hope that maybe my rambling will help console you a bit. You have this old boys compassion, understanding and love.

Heal well Charlie, my brother/friend.

Pete (Irishmoose)



Edited by petercorbett (02/09/09 02:45 AM)
Edit Reason: spelling
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#274528 - 02/09/09 07:36 AM Re: Forgiveness, Self [Re: petercorbett]
1love4christ Offline


Registered: 12/18/08
Posts: 46
Loc: ca, usa
hey charlie24,

my name is nestor and i am a christian survivor who uses jesus christ as my light to salvation not just for surviving sexual abuse, but know love whom god gave to us through the son jesus christ.

i have read your post and have related 100%. I have been sexually abused and at the age of 25, i've made some of the biggest steps recently through my savior jesus christ.

i too, am very critical of myself. I do not give myself a break, don't know when to quit, and will take no for an answer. I am sometimes heroic but end up being chaotic.

as you also mentioned forgivenss, i share the insight i read from a book called, " the wounded heart", how god asks you to forgive others for when you do not do so, you now give this person the power to control your mind, heart, and soul. God said that he is the only one you give that power to through his son jesus christ. forgiving does not mean forgetting nor does it mean not having wisdom to provide boundaries in your life to heal once again.

my worth, my body, and spirit has been damaged from the day i could remember being sexually abused. I have been hopeless for many years but found hope when jesus said that holding onto his words would make my clean.

the thought of being clean from the king himself was unimaginable. i don't have all the answers or solutions, but the one answer i will pass on to you that i believe will lead you to everlasting life is jesus christ.

allow me to introduce the son of god not to minimize your pain, but to encourage you who will direct your path to truly facing the pain you are hindered by each day.

if you're asking how jesus christ can help? then let me say how his spirit provides the life in your mind and heart to overcome the obstacles that we've had accepted too many times to take over our lives.

i'm sharing with you how jesus christ has motivated me to uplift my pain to him and he has treated it with complete care. jesus christ is lord and savior, although you may not see him, he definetly see's knows you and your ways. he knows the pain you suffer each day and i dont doubt he suffers with you.

god bless

_________________________
nestor

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#274529 - 02/09/09 07:45 AM Re: Forgiveness, Self [Re: 1love4christ]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
The Health & Well Being Forum is now the Spirituality & Survivors Forum?

I was not aware of that!

Such subtle changes can be very upsetting to those of us who need to be able to trust in constance and the unshifting!

Maybe I'm just on the wrong freakin' site!!!!!!!!!!

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#274536 - 02/09/09 08:02 AM Re: Forgiveness, Self [Re: Charlie24]
ttoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 977
Hey, Charlie...

wink

The thing about recovery that truly sucks is that we cannot go back and change the past. We can not go back and grieve or make it right. We can not change the facts. What we can do, I think, is change our relationship with the facts. We can change our perception, "our truth," and significantly improve the quality of our lives.

Several years ago one of my truths was the fact that I could not play piano. I always wanted to play the piano. So, I found some one willing to teach adults (which, was not as easy as it seems) and started taking lessons. Each week I went in and each week I learned more of the fundementals. During the week, I practiced. Repeating the same thing, the same drills, over and over. It was frustrating, often boring and, I kept doing it because it was something I always wanted to do. I was highly motivated. Eventually, my truth changed. I can play the piano.

A lot of people in recovery talk about stripping away the layers but, I think, maybe, well, for me, a better analogy is the way I have challenged the old information, not necessarily stripping away layers so much as adding new layers. Challenging old beliefs and injunctions, gaining perspective and knowledge about myself and the people around me. I am more than I was when I started in this process and, because of that...the things that were done to me seem...less, because of that. I am changing, "my truth." How I saw myself and do see myself in relation to everyone else on the planet.

I practice the fundementals, keep plugging away, I am highly motivated because I was so angry and noticed that being angry affected the way I saw everyone else, too. As in, we do not see the world as it is, we tend to see the world as we are.

For me...the inability to trust, the cynicism, the self doubt, self criticism...seemed to be the anger I felt but was not able to express. It was not safe to express it and yet, it is there. Turned inward, it became self hatred, reinforced by the people around me and certainly, by the things my father was doing. There was no way to express what I was feeling. We are as capable of being our own judge jury and executioners. That voice inside our heads that says it is our fault, we asked for it, we are responsible. All bullshit but reinforced over and over with no outlet for the expression, the outrage.

We find ourselves forced into denial and, at the same time create amazingly brilliant strategies to defend against the next attack. To defend, to protect and, then...find, at some point, that those strategies become obsolete. They no longer work, perhaps, because the threat no longer exists but, it seems, to always be there...waiting, in the background, ready to rear it's ugly head and drag us back in.

Childhood sexual abuse has never been something we can get over, we have to go through it and I think, that means finding an expression in a safe environment for the emotions, the feelings that are attached to the things we felt and do feel. It is a process, rarely linear and most often the process spirals around and around as we incorporate the new beliefs, allowing the old ones to fall away.

It is about practicing the fundementals each and every day, knowing that some days are going to be better than others and that some days...really and truly suck.

But, that is why the guys here are here...not necessarily to say, "Did you practice your chords this week?" but to reinforce that a bad day does not negate all the hard work it has taken to get this far. And, you are here, Charlie...you are doing it.

laugh


Dave

_________________________
checkin out for a few weeks... whistle
02/07/09

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#274558 - 02/09/09 11:07 AM Re: Forgiveness, Self [Re: ttoon]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
Thank you guys for replying. In a small way its beginning to help me.

Charlie.


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#274566 - 02/09/09 12:09 PM Re: Forgiveness, Self [Re: Charlie24]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
charlie, you are bound to get better eventually if you keep participating. i have seen it. i promise it is true.

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#274598 - 02/09/09 04:19 PM Re: Forgiveness, Self [Re: Sans Logos]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Charlie,

You are taking the first steps in a long process of recovery. And at first its seems as if you will never be able to reach the end of this journey. But as you find people on the same road you will learn to reach out and share each others burdens. As you work your recovery you will learn to let go of those things( behaviors,emotions and coping mechanizes) that no longer work or are just dead weight.
Just keep posting and being honest with yourself and others here at M/S and you will begin to see what you need to change.
As you remain true to yourself and your recovery your self-image and esteem will get so much better.

Best Wishes

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#274604 - 02/09/09 04:49 PM Re: Forgiveness, Self [Re: Charlie24]
wes-b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 438
Loc: Western, Canada
Originally Posted By: Charlie24
Guys I need some advice please. I'm struggling with how to deal with myself. I seem to be very hard on myself. I'm not very forgiving of myself and rarely show compassion to myself. In some ways I've gotten into this pattern of self doubt negative talk.


Charlie...

Don't I know it... I keep finding more of my self-hatred, and forgiveness of myself has been key in having the self-hatred removed (thank you God). Someone on this site pointed me at some youtube clips of Caroline Myss that have been an awesome blessing to me, http://www.myss.com/ .
check this one out;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2sZKwLoLiaI .
Be advised that she is oft tagged as a Spiritualist of Mystic; this can be off-putting to some (in the mid-90s I would have called her a heathen or a charlatan, those were my intolerant days.). She speaks of forgiveness in a manner that touches me and has aided me in coming to a new freedom. I also picked up the idea of praying for the forgiveness I need for myself and others during a convention for Sexaholics that I was at in Jan/09.

I pray you find this blesses your immortal soul.

Love, Wes

_________________________
Happy to be a recovering survivor. :-)

Continuing to meet more of my fellows as I "Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny".

My Story, 1st pass

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