Hi Guys. I know this topic has probably been discussed by others but I felt the need to post for myself. I am a survivor of CSA. Too this day I have issues with my body. I feel so much guilt and shame with it. Nothing seems to feel right and then I compare myself to guys who are ripped and I feel fat and ugly. Other people have told me I have more of a swimmers build but I can't really tell. I have a hard time believing what others say. I also am struggling with my sexuality. My OCD can take control and ruin my day obsessing about my sexuality. I look at gay, straight and bi porn. In some ways I feel this need to please other guys. I wonder if that has to do with my abuse and that I was in some ways pleasing my abuser? Maybe? I honestly don't know. I see other guys and get jealous cause I think they are good looking and I see them getting the girls and I feel like I let myself fall or be pushed to the sideline. I know I hear this all the time, your unique and your special. I sure as hell don't feel unique and special I feel awkward and uncomfortable. Some of my fantasies play over into the role of becoming other males because of their physique and confidence in themselves. I've also I think I've sexualized myself that I fantasize about being a stripper or a male porn star. I don't know what it is about these careers. I think its the idea of being touched. I've learned in psychology classes that I've taken that human touch and contact is important for survival. If you don't get touched by others, and I don't mean sexually, but hugs and appropriate touch are very important in our growth and health in living as humans. I have days where I just don't know if I'm gay, straight or bi and that drives me insane. Some days I think I'm gay, other days I think I'm straight and then I have days where I say: "No Charlie your bi and you like men and women." My OCD doesn't really help much cause I just seem to obsess about it. I wonder if in some ways I've become addicted to sex. Guys I know I'm saying a lot but I need to get it out. Don't have any outlets for myself. Pretty lonely guy. I also seem to have days where I just don't want to be me. I have to believe that a majority of my problems come from being abused and why I can't seem to find and maintain male friendships. I can remember the last true male friend I had in my life was back in elementary school. I remember one day he was at my parents house and told me he didn't want to be friends any more. I don't remember the specifics but I haven't had a good friend since. I miss that so much and crave it so badly. I think I try to hard and then other guys get suspicious and think I want to get into their pants. I don't want to feel ashamed of myself. People often tell me how kind and caring I am as person. They always say: "Charlie your such a nice guy." I always thank them but I mean I really wonder about myself. Thanks guys for listening/reading. Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Charlie.

charlie if i may, your sexual confusion is not the core issue here.

what is central is the self-loathing that comes forth from being objectified in the experience of sexual abuse, and how that, in mike lew's terms, causes us make choices and determinations wherein we 'organize our life around our wound'.

the way my mind understands this is thus: in my entire life, i was never acknowledged at face value, for merely being a creature, an awesome incredible alive person. the messages were sent from a very early age that my value was somehow tied up in my function, how obedient i was, how responsible i was, how resourceful i was, how talented i was: how useable, how consumable i was.

and that was underscored for me further in my sexual abuse. for now, my body, my vehicle itself, was objectified and defined in terms of all of the aforementioned shaping factors. the use of me bodily for sexual purposes confirmed this was indeed my true worth.

across the first 13 years of my life, this was the process of my being. this was my schooling. this was the ultimate lesson: that i am only worth the skin i live in and what it can 'achieve'.

subsequently later in life while invested in this idea of my physical self as the supreme object/machine of acquiescence for getting my deepest needs met and i used those as the only techniques i had come to know. so i continued to trust that these tactics would 'work' on all my relationships.

the dissonance occurred when things did not turn out to be as i anticipated. in reaction to the failure of the mechanism to work i devised new methods for getting what i wanted and needed.

in all of this attempt to keep my 'usefulness' alive i failed! and this failure to live up to the benchmark set early on in the days of my youth, became a great source of shame and self-loathing.

as a result, i too began to look with envy at others, wishing i had what they had, and verily, wishing that i was in fact *them*. i hated myself so much for failing to be successful as in any manner such as would cause me to be loved. my dominant feeling became one of shame and self-hate.

this was the wound that i organized my life around. i created hidden contracts with the world, thinking that if i only ate the right foods, the right portions, wore the right clothes went to the right oracles, that i would be 'saved', rather that things would magically 'work' as i thought they 'should'.

so, charlie is fine as he is. a man full of possibility and potential beyond all of the tension and strife of carrying around the baggage from the trip down sexual assault lane. his physique should be healthy, but he does not need to be anyone's model. he is fine just as he was created, he is fine in the manner in which his dna is manifesting him in physical form.

he has a lot to give to the world in terms of love and service [and i mean that in both realms, sexual and non-sexual]. and that what makes him wonderful. that's what makes him desirable.

once i began to stop painting the world from the palette of hues inherited from my csa experiences, i began to allow others to be less than perfect, and found that when i did that, i gave myself permission be less than perfect, and began to recognize the deep beauty of three dimensional human being, and to dissolve the chains that kept me tethered to the idea that one day i would be worthy to be loved by a two dimensional person.

i have a body, it's not perfect, i have a mind, others have far more advanced intellects, and when those things deteriorate, i am still an energy that is indestructible, and that alone gives me my true value as a being wrapped in skin.

hoping for all the best for you in your continued healing and recovery,

your pal,

ron

Cahrle, I feel and have felt all the same feelings that you have, I am 47 and have spent my life alone, it is a horrably depressing existance, and it is definatly beyond a shadow of a doubt CSA related. That is were the work needs to be focused. In terms of your sexuality, and what your true nature is is a subject for a broader discussion. I will add more infomation in your other post.