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#274179 - 02/06/09 12:05 PM Re: CSA effects on sexual identity [Re: SIDUDE]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Hold up there my new brother - suicidal? I think not! You wouldn't be reaching out and talking if you were suicidal. Talk to me about suicidal - I wrote a whole chapter in that book, but I refuse to go there any more because if I do, then my rapist and my other abusers win. My innocence they took from me, ok, but I'll be damed if I'm gonna let 'em have my life too......

Man, I know you're hurting, I've been where you're at right now - there are very few men here who haven't been where you're at at some point in their recovery, just want to lie down and be done with it all - that certainly is an option, but is it a solution? Again, I think not!

SIDUDE, I've been at recovery for over twenty years now, and like you I had rarely ever come across anything that was remotely helpfull - well ok, some self help books and a few autobios by survivors. Therapists? Please, don't take me down that road........

But this here, MS, this is different - MS isn't like all the other crap that we tried to make fit to us in hopes of getting well - MS works, MS works, MS works..........honest to God, man, MS works.

Don't quit now that you have finally found what it is you've been needing all along.

We're here for you and we'll stand with you 'till such time as you get your feet under you again - you have my survivors oath on that.

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#274180 - 02/06/09 12:09 PM Re: CSA effects on sexual identity [Re: joelRT]
lars3229 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/03/08
Posts: 800
Loc: Iowa
SIDUDE, welcome to MS, and welcome to the one place you will find no one judging you, regardless of how messed up you might be (ask me, I can testify to that one! :D)

Seriously, you are hurting, but you have found a great place to heal, to be part of a unique brotherhood dedicated to helping each other on this ugly road we call recovery. It's not easy, but the men here, you will find, won't judge, won't tell you what to do and won't look down on you when you make a mistake. Quite the opposite, actually. smile

As for impacting anyone's healing in a negative way, for me at least, hearing other people's struggles gives me hope and reminds me that I am SOOOOO not alone in this. Others feel the same way as I do, have the same struggles, and are headed down the same tough roads.

So, if you ever need to talk, vent or unload, keep posting. It'll do wonders for ya just to hear there are men just like you all over this world. It's comforting, trust me.

Peace,

lars


_________________________
You may trod me
in the very dirt
But still,
like dust,
I'll rise.

-Maya Angelou

"I quite often remember to forget these sorts of things."
-Winnie the Pooh, The Tigger Movie

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#274181 - 02/06/09 12:10 PM Re: CSA effects on sexual identity [Re: SIDUDE]
wes-b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 438
Loc: Western, Canada

SIDUDE

Welcome to our place of healing and recovery. Self help --gotta luv it-- I had run wild looking for answers in this space for 20+ years, to no avail! Until I began connecting with communities of like minded/wounded people I was doomed and nothing was going to help me to heal. You have found a great place of the like-wounded, stick around and take what you need and give what you have to give...

The more of us there are in the community the more we have to offer to those still suffering alone, and all to often in silence. I pray that as we heal the word will spread and there will be less and less who live in isolation as long as I did.

Hugs from the north-western edge of the Great Plains.

Love, Wes

_________________________
Happy to be a recovering survivor. :-)

Continuing to meet more of my fellows as I "Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny".

My Story, 1st pass

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#274185 - 02/06/09 01:04 PM Re: CSA effects on sexual identity [Re: wes-b]
St3v3n Offline


Registered: 11/26/08
Posts: 102
SIDUDE,

Let me welcome you to MS also, i am glad you found us in your time of need. Just like the brothers above have stated, this is a great place where you'll find understanding, recognition and support, i know i have. I live a very isolated existence and before i found MS i could not share any of the stuff inside my head because i was too emberassed to do it, i have learned that many men here go through the same thing, MS is an eye-opener and it has helped me greatly in opening up and it's been very beneficial to my therapy too.

I have taken some huge steps forward since i came here a little over two months ago now and i am getting deeper into the root of my problems, it's a tough battle and it really freaking hurts but i know i can reach out to people who care and understand so i hope you'll take this advise at heart
Originally Posted By: wes-b
stick around and take what you need and give what you have to give...

Take care brother,

Stephan


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#274186 - 02/06/09 01:05 PM Re: CSA effects on sexual identity [Re: wes-b]
SIDUDE Offline


Registered: 02/05/09
Posts: 47
Loc: New York
Thanks so much Gentlemen, it is inspiring to know that others have made headway, my situation is a bit more complex.

I have actively pursued recovery for many years, I spent 12 years in a 12 step program for substance abuse, which I believe was really all related to sexual identity issues that I had struggled with since childhood. I did get sober from that experience which put one demon on hold. I also found SA or Survivors Anonymous during that period but found no men involved in the program, and the meetings were to far from my home making it impossible for me to commit to it on an ongoing basis.

I also was physically abused as a child, by my older sister; it was very emasculating as a young boy to have to deal with. My sister would routinely call me a faggot and a retard as she beat me and ordered me around. It was not uncommon for her to call me from my room into the living room just to change the channels on the TV for her. It was not a pleasant life, and my parents were powerless to stop her and if I complained to them she just beat me more.

Naturally as a result of all my experiences in the home, I had a healthy fear of confrontation, this was obvious to the kids on the block and I just got more of the same from them.

I also struggled with Learning disabilities all my life, the fact that my man hood was never in tact I never had a good sense of competition, between the two I am always consider the slacker at everything I do.

So you see this is not a matter of winning or losing to me, I have no pride about that what so ever. I really am just out of steam, and I am weak and sick. I cannot allow myself to suffer any more, and I don’t see many other alternatives. I have been contemplating my death as early as 19yo, and this idea has recurred over and over with more validity and intensity as the years go on. It would be one thing if I had purpose in life, all my life reveals to me every day is how out of place I am and that I am a freak that most people would not leave their kids with.

Sure if I could change things of course I would. I have tried, I do get excited thinking that some new thing is going to save me, but ultimately I go home alone and sleep by myself. You know although I do have sex when I get a chance, I have never had a lover, so I have no idea what it means to sleep in the same bed with someone, how pathetic is that!

I think I deserve a break, my death should be peaceful. I have looked into euthanasia in the Netherlands very seriously, the only issue I have is with the one person who I think cared about me who's heart will be broken and that is my Mom, I would also prefer my Grandmother to pass first so that she does not have to see her daughter suffer, at age 93.

Thanks to this site I have found a counselor in my area I am going to meet with on Saturday so I’ll keep my pain and suffering in check a bit longer, will see how it goes he sounds like a nice guy, hope he has a few tricks up his sleeve




Edited by SIDUDE (02/06/09 01:13 PM)

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#274188 - 02/06/09 01:42 PM Re: CSA effects on sexual identity [Re: SIDUDE]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
SIDUDE,

I've been you, man! I've been in that place where I just couldn't wait for death to claim me The only thing that got me from one day to the next was my conviction that at any moment certainly life would relinquish it's grip on my balls and I would be allowed to die.

Death lived and breathed in my very soul and I exitedly looked forward to it's embrace - knowing that I would soon die were the only times that felt anything remotely akin to happyness.

So why didn't I kill myself? I litteraly did not posess the physical strength to put the rope around my neck.

So I just basically vegetated for a number of years while I waited for my sweet release - a release, need I say, that never came. And the longer I waited and the more pissed off I became. And slowly a fighting spirit started to make itself felt in me

i,m sorrry i can't type anymor right now. Please stick arouns.

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#274191 - 02/06/09 01:48 PM Re: CSA effects on sexual identity [Re: joelRT]
SIDUDE Offline


Registered: 02/05/09
Posts: 47
Loc: New York
Thanks so much for your kind words. I does mean alot, I am thankful for the opportuntiy to let all this garabage out at the very least. God help me.....


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#274192 - 02/06/09 01:50 PM Re: CSA effects on sexual identity [Re: SIDUDE]
wes-b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 438
Loc: Western, Canada

SiDude;

you are making some moderately oblique referenced to suicide. I have had thoughts of murdering myself many many times --my therapist used the term murder after my brother attempted suicide-- and was never able to do it; thankfully. I expect that there are a multitude of us here on MS who have seriously considered it and many who have tried...

As I progress in my healing I know that nothing I say or do controls another, unlike my past "magical" beliefs ;-\ Hell, I have had enuf trouble controlling myself over the decades. I have come to see that I have no idea of the grand plan, I just believe that there is one... so I walk along accepting life on life's terms, and at times with wonder and gratitude. It beats the hell out of decades of hating myself and thinking that the world would be better off if I were dead.

My Brother of the wounds, my prayer for you is that each of your todays is better than it's yesterday.

Love, Wes

_________________________
Happy to be a recovering survivor. :-)

Continuing to meet more of my fellows as I "Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny".

My Story, 1st pass

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#274282 - 02/07/09 03:59 AM Re: CSA effects on sexual identity [Re: wes-b]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2453
Loc: TEXAS
SIDUDE;
Let me also welcome you to MS & to hell too, after all it's where most of us spend our waking moments. But here, my fraternal brother/friend. You will receive compassion, understanding and love. We all have been there, we have all done that, each in our own ways. It sure hurts, it's sure painful and at times it surely does overwhelm us. But if you ever seriously consider suicide, please don't. I had a son who comitted suicide. Why? Because of me? What is there that we just couldn't have talked about? What was there that we couldn't have worked out? But talking or TRUSTING no one means certain failure. I'm soon to be 70yrs old, my deeply buried secrets surfaced last August. I've been in and out of hell ever since. It sure is tough on this old boy. But I'm here, I'm HOME. I am with the only few REAL true friends here. We have bared our very souls to each other, we try and help each one of us along this depressing, painful journey toward recovery. It's rough, it's painful, it's time consuming from us having to lead a "normal" life & having enjoyment. But for me personaly it's the only road that I want to be on. If I fall there is someone to pick me up, to give me conficence that we are going to find our way to the peace and serenity that we all so richly deserve. So stay here, rant, rave, empty out the depths of your soul, I will listen. I often think about our missing brothers who did take that suicide route. From my viewpoint that meant that our sexual abusers had won I just can't have that happen.

Heal well, SIDUDE, and heal well my brothers/friends.

Pete (Irishmoose)

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#274299 - 02/07/09 09:11 AM Re: CSA effects on sexual identity [Re: SIDUDE]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
sidude, a hearty welcome to a great respite from all your troubles.

yep, i get it....been there too. just dawg tired of it all.

why can't it be over....why not today.....god i'm done...you hear me god?????

my life seemed for so many years to be one and the same endless day. my back to the future, ever vigilant, ever ready to engage my magic armour to deflect the bullets of memory which ceaselessly seemed to rain at me from the vanguard of my past.

at some point my strength was not enough to meet the resistance of the past, and as it caught up with me, i was given to tools in which to make peace with it. at some point, with a tremendous amount of work, and process, the hail storm of bullets lessened, and with it, the nagging questions resolved as my iron clad drapery transubstantiated into naked in-no-sense.

when the question goes away the need to find an answer becomes moot.

when the need to find an answer becomes moot, then the dissonance dissolves, and ceases to regenerate more questions.

don't give up yet. don't give up because you can't see the path out of the forest because of the density of the trees.

you will find you way. you found your way here, not by accident, but by occident. and the same sun that sets over the horizon of male survivor as a beacon of light and hope to each of us who share the tragic circumstance of csa, will continue to be a guidepost leading you out of this dark night and into a new day.

'why stand staring at what has gone before? don't get lost in things of the past....i, says he, will begin something new....it's beginning already....haven't you heard?'
micah 4:8
acts 1:10

stay here and be with us. there is another clearing just up ahead.....aren't you a bit curious?

hoping for all the best in your healing and recovery, which you richly deserve,

ron


_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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