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#27420 - 12/22/05 12:58 AM Re: i found my little boy ,he's in the cemetary
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Adam,

I would urge you to think about something here. You have had an extraordinarily large number of crises dumped on you in just a few short weeks. There is no way that anyone anywhere, no matter how strong, could just handle all that without any feeling of anxiety or trauma.

For you as a survivor of a really brutal history of abuse it is astonishing that you are able to communicate anything at all about all this - really! You are doing amazingly well in the face of some terrible challenges, and you are showing a lot of courage and strength.

Can I offer you something to think about from my own experience? Rapid progress is something we often see here when a new guy shows up. That's how it was when I took the plunge and registered in May. I came and saw that I was accepted, welcomed, and believed; I could talk about whatever I wanted and I wasn't judged. I discovered that I was neither a loser, nor a freak, nor all alone in the world. It was great! I thought aha, this is going to be a lot easier than I thought!

But it wasn't like that, nor is it like that for anyone else here, and it won't be that way for you. Recovery takes a lot of time and is hard work. You have to be patient and develop a - can I call it this? - "survivor attitude". By this I mean a willingness to listen and talk and try out ideas, a willingness to look at yourself seriously and honestly, a trust in what others are saying even if you don't believe it for yourself yet, and a confidence that the bad days (and there will be plenty of those) don't mean you are failing.

Adam, when I read your post above I can see so much of where I was some months ago. You don't believe in yourself, you feel you are a loser and a bad person, you feel you are wasting the time of those who are better than you, you are ever ready for the worst to come, and you fear the outcome of therapy.

All that is okay bro. These are not "bad" feelings, and in fact you have to talk about these feelings and accept them. They are the "truth" in that they really do express where you are in dealing with what happened to you. But they don't express the reality about yourself.

Let me give you an example. Have you ever seen a room full of little kids, say, at a birthday party. In the kitchen something falls and breaks on the floor with a loud crash, and the kids in the other room all stop and look at each other, thinking "Whose fault was that!!! I didn't do it!" That feeling of apprehension is real; that genuinely is how the kids feel. But are any of them genuinely to blame for what happened? Of course not! None of them was even in the kitchen when the accident happened.

In time you come to see that all these feelings you have about yourself are exactly like that. They will help you and your therapist see what areas you have to work on, but they do NOT represent who you really are and what you are worth. Many of those feelings are Little Adam speaking and expressing how abuse has hurt him emotionally. For example, when you say "It was my fault" your T and everyone here will understand that you really do mean that. But that will just signal something to talk about: the fact that it can never be the child's fault.

If you have more to say about what happened to you, please feel free to do so. We will understand. But do try to keep safe. You don't have to try to move forward so fast; that is a temptation here, but it can lead to a lot of unnecessary pain and trauma.

You are not wasting our time Adam. We have ALL been where you are now in some way or another, and we want to support you in the same way that others in the past supported us when we felt those feelings.

You know what? One day this coming summer you will be writing a post something like this one to support a new guy who is coming here with anguish like you are feeling now. You will reach out to him as I am reaching out to you now, and later that day you will get a PM from me and this is what it will say:

Quote:
Adam,

Hey bro, remember Christmas 2005? I told you so! Well done!
I am not suggesting that you will be "recovered" that fast, rather I am proposing that you will understand yourself and your feelings a lot better then than is possible for you now. Just try to give it time.

And in the interim try to trust in the genuine compassion and support extended to you here. It is yours, and as I said earlier on this thread, you can't give it back!

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#27421 - 12/22/05 01:48 AM Re: i found my little boy ,he's in the cemetary
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Adam,

this is the place to whine, it is the place to lay your card on the table, and the only place you will find on the internet, of a group of guys who really do have empathy, and some understanding of your hurt.

From your postings, I would guess, and only a guess that the sum of your hurt is hitting you so much right now, and the guilt and shame are getting to you so raw.

Most of the guys in here will listen and care, even if you dont think so, PM me anyatime if you want to vent stuff.

Adam went thru a lot when he had nobody to protect him, and he had nowhere to turn, but now he has, he is with a group of guys who can identify with hurt, even if they do not know just how much hurt.

Childhood trauma can lead to neurological paths being re-routed to survive in a child depending on their age of abuse.

Surviving the after affects of abuse can be massive, but you have a survive instinct that keeps you here, and believe me, you were strong as a boy.

Maybe venting is letting all this crap out, just like myself who hates to vent, but sometimes he does because he sees his little world closing n on him,

Stay here,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#27422 - 12/22/05 02:57 AM Re: i found my little boy ,he's in the cemetary
Derdlecar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1314
Loc: Ogden Utah, USA
Adam,

If I wasn't here reading your posts, as well as those of others, I'd probably be in some porn site or a stupid show on TV. Porn leaves me feeling freshly abused and TV for the most part is a total waste of my time. And you know what? I always read your posts first. I think that is because I care so very much about you. I'm not just saying that to make you feel better. I saying it because it is the truth. And yes, I also hope it makes you feel better.

Keep coming here and posting as much and as often as you like. Try not to be in too big a hurry, give your self time to heal. And remember, you are among friends here. While I'm thinking about it let me tell you something about friends. As soon as the visit has come to an end and they say "see you later," they start looking forward to the time when they will be together again. So I think I can speak for all of us and say:

We are looking forward to spending more time with you.

Darrel

P.S. None of the abuse is or was ever your fault. You were just a little guy. They had choices, you did not.

_________________________
If a man would get his life on track, he must first go back to the place where it was derailed.

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#27423 - 12/22/05 02:13 PM Re: i found my little boy ,he's in the cemetary
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
gotta work today ,how do you just go on feeling like this?ok no more crazy mystery posts ,the letter from my dad had just enough of the truth in it to trigger everything that i don't want to remember ,he said he don't believe that i don't remember ,then he asked do you remember jimmy ,do you remember the big red tractor? that is when it felt like a bomb went off in my head all at once the whole time of my life that i didn't even think about came rushing back .felt like i got hit by a train ,still does .like i said before we lived in a very rural area we had a farm ,oh god i can't even say it ,i had a brother ,his name was jimmy ,i must have been about 8 and jimmy was maybe 14,he was my hero ,i worshipped him ,we did everything together he was my big brother and i was his little buddy ,where ever he went i was right behind ,that is how i got the nickname shadow ,he called me his shadow. jimmy was older so he did,things on the farm with my dad ,if i wanted to help my dad would say i was too young so i would be in the house with my mother or grandparents ,i wanted so bad to be out there with them doing the farm work ,dad would always say adam your not old enough to be any help .dad and jimmy were as close as any body could be ,i would get so pissed i wanted to play with jimmy but he would say maybe later dad needs me ,i felt like they had something i was not a part of and i wanted to be like them comming in dirty laughing about something they had done ,working with the animals ,driving the big farmall tractor ,i would watch jimmy drive it and more than anything i wanted to drive that tractor ,when they would leave me at home i would cry ,i wanted to be with them ,i would get mad at jimmy saying that dad liked him better than me so he would go out and play with me after they were done working and try to make me feel better .i loved him so much . but i would yell at him saying it was his fault dad didn't like me ,he would tell me when i was old enough i could go with them too .but i didn't want to wait ,on the day my whole world crashed down jimmy and dad had come back to the house for lunch ,leaving the tractor running in the yard ,i begged dad to let me drive it just once ,he got mad and said damn it adam i told you you are too young,i said but dad i know how to drive it jimmy showed me ,i would sit in the tractor and pretend i was driving every night in the barn ,i knew i could do it .so i decided i would show them i got on the tractor and shoved it in gear i started across the yard dad heard the tractor and ran out of the barn ,well guess what i didn't know how to drive it when he yelled at me to stop i didn't know how ,jimmy was running after me telling me i was gonna get whipped good this time ,i wanted so bad to prove i was old enough ,when jimmy caught up to me he jumped on and sarted trying to push me away so he could stop the tractor ,i knew i was in deep shit but i wasn't going to let him stop me ,oh jesus what did i do! i was fighting jimmy saying get off i can do it ,i pushed him back and he fell off the tractor ,oh god the wheels were so big ,and jesus jesus jesus jimmy fell under the wheel ,i looked back and he was laying on the ground my dad was screamming he ran to jimmy and tried to pick him up i jumped off the tractor and ran back crying dad i;m sorry i didn't mean it he's ok right ,but i knew he wasn't there was blood so much blood jimmy was moaning he was crushed really bad ,my dad knocked me down and screamed look what you did ,do you see what you did !!! i wanted to get to jimmy but he told me to get away my mother was screaming running across the yard they were both down in the mud holding jimmy ,i kept saying over and over 'i'm sorry ,i'm sorry .jimmy please get up ,please your ok just get up i'll never drive the tractor again i'll be good just please get up .i went back to where they were and my dad slapped me down and said get away from him this is all your fault !!by the time the e squad got there it was too late ,i hid in the barn and watched them cover jimmy up and put him in the ambulance ,i wondred why they didn't seem to be in a big hurry no siren or anything ,deep inside i knew he was gone ,i ran and ran till i couldn't run anymore and then i sat in the woods and just cried .my grandfather found me sometime later and carried me home telling me it was not my fault ,i kept crying saying jimmy is ok right ,right ? he wouldn't answer ,i can't do anymore right now ,i'm sorry ,so sorry i can't see to type oh god what did i do

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#27424 - 12/22/05 11:38 PM Re: i found my little boy ,he's in the cemetary
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Adam,

I'm so sorry. Your pain is understandable. A memory like that is one hell of a shock hitting suddenly like that.

A couple of months ago, not long before you came to this website, I had a memory hit me square in the head, It sickend me. I actually threw up it was so bad, then I went to bed and cried most of the night. What was that memory?

When I was eleven years old, A man befriended me. I was a lonely, scared kid, searching for friendship. I'd already been through several years of CSA, which had ended, and I was bound and determined that no one would EVER touch me again. So like I say, this taxi cab driver befriended me and I used to ride around town with him on his runs.

One day he took me to a little shack out by the airport on the pretext of showing me some radio equipment that was used to talk to pilots. When he got me in there, he started to fondle me and pressure me to have sex with him. I was so angry! I broke away from him and started hitting him with my little fists, beating him on the chest and using every profane word my sheltered "church" upbringing could dream up.

I kept fighting and kicking and screaming till he finaly said he'd leave me alone. He then left the building and headed for his cab. I felt I had no choice but to follow so I got in the passenger side thinking we were going back home.

Instead he took me out this long, lonely, country road that I knew ended in a dead end way out in the woods. No one around anywhere. He never said it in so many words but the implication was clear that he was going to do me bodily harm.

He began to ask me, pump me for names of other boys implying that if i would just give him a name he would leave me alone, and also implying nonverbaly that he would do me harm should I refuse. This went on for what seemed like hours with me getting more scared by the minute.

At long last, I relented and gave him a name. He abused that other boy, Adam. Terrible abuse. You know that "other boy" Adam. He's on this board nearly every day. He's my blood brother, Adam.

I've lived with that memory burried deep down for all these years till it came up suddenly while typing a post. I hated myself when I remembered. I cried, and hated myself, and cried some more, and life continued around me as if nothing had ever happened. It seemed a sacrelaege. Somehow life should stop and weep for that boy that I turned over to a perp in order to save my own skin, but it didn't.

I know that what I did didn't result in my brother's death, but in some ways our cases are similar.

We both are looking at this situation through the prism of an adults eyes. What I'm saying Adam, that as bad as what happened that terrible day is, there was no way that you as a very young child could know or understand the ramifications of what you were doing.

You were an 8 year old kid. What happened as a result of what you did was a terribly unfortunate accident. Was it your fault? No, I don't think so. Tell me, what does the law say when an 8 year old gets hold of his dad's gun and accidently shoots his sister? The law says it is the Parent's fault for leaving the gun unlocked.

You were a kid that was hurting and longing for just a little bit of acknowledgment that you were valued by your father. From what you say that recognition that you were important to him never happened. Does he bear any responsibility in this terrible incident? I would say that he should step up to the plate and accept total responsibility instead of blaming 8 year old Adam. Adam was just a hurting child trying to get his father's attention. Adam didn't understand what could or would happen. His father was the adult. There are many things a responsible adult would and should have done to prevent what happened, not to mention caring for, loving, and meeting the needs of an 8 year old boy so he wouldn't feel the need to take desparate action in order to get that attention he longed for.

Bottom line Adam, it wasn't your fault, you were just a kid.

I've been crying for you this morning Adam. Please hang in there with us. We'll hold you up while you grieve. You've become our friend, my friend, Adam. We don't let our friends go without a fight.

(((((((((((((((Adam)))))))))))))))

Love you Bro,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#27425 - 12/23/05 01:07 AM Re: i found my little boy ,he's in the cemetary
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Adam,

I am so sorry to hear what happened to your brother, but I can't add much to what John has already said so eloquently.

Your father still blames you for your brother's death, but he has no right to do so. You were a little kid just trying to win attention and recognition, things that every boy desperately needs.

What is happening here is that your father is burying his own overwhelming feelings of guilt by blaming you. That is wrong beyond imagining.

You ask what did you do. You made a mistake that any boy your age might have made, and if the tractor had been shut off there would have been no accident. Your father was negligent and he knows it. This tragedy was not your fault.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#27426 - 12/23/05 04:42 AM Re: i found my little boy ,he's in the cemetary
Derdlecar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1314
Loc: Ogden Utah, USA
Adam,

Jimmy loved you very much; I can tell by what you say about him. I know how much he loved you because I also have a little brother, he used to look up to me much the same as you looked up to Jimmy. We did so many things together and had so much fun. I love him with all my heart. I believe that Jimmy would forgive you. If he could, he would throw his arms around you and give you a hug. He would tell you it was ok, that it was not your fault. He would hold you in his arms while you cry.

You see Adam, John, aka Walkingsouth, is my blood brother. We were not going to advertise it too much here on the board but I think this needs to be said. I’ve gone through my share of hell because of the abuse I went through in that shack by the airport. But you know what, IT WAS NOT HIS FAULT!!!! He says he was 11, I think it was more like 8 or 9, but that does not matter, the fact of the matter is that the SOB taxi driver never should have done that to him, he was just a little guy.

Adam, you were just a little guy 8 years old. You wanted to be loved and accepted by your dad and big brother. There is no way you, as an eight-year-old boy could know the ramifications of your actions. I had the honor of hugging John a while back and telling him that I love him. He told me he was sorry; I told him I was sorry. We just hugged and cried. And you know what Adam? I just know that Jimmy would do the same for his little Shadow, and I believe he will one day get that chance.

Love you

Darrel

_________________________
If a man would get his life on track, he must first go back to the place where it was derailed.

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#27427 - 12/23/05 04:48 AM Re: i found my little boy ,he's in the cemetary
Kid A Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/05
Posts: 85
Adam,
I'm very new here, and I'm so sorry to read about all the things you've gone through. You are giving me hope in the way you are so strongly confronting your past and present, and changing your future. I spend too much time running circles around my problems, and am encouraged by your courage to look at so many horrible things directly. -Kid A


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#27428 - 12/23/05 06:02 AM Re: i found my little boy ,he's in the cemetary
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
could i say i love you guys without sounding like an idiot shadow

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#27429 - 12/23/05 06:22 AM Re: i found my little boy ,he's in the cemetary
Derdlecar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1314
Loc: Ogden Utah, USA
You definitely do not sound like a idiot shadow.
We love you too
Darrel

_________________________
If a man would get his life on track, he must first go back to the place where it was derailed.

Top
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