Newest Members
MJ545, Marant, BeingFound, journey4two, VASurvivor
12331 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
cja (49), crackerjack (55), nursemanda25 (33)
Who's Online
5 registered (pufferfish, unhappycamper, Bluedogone, 2 invisible), 18 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12331 Members
74 Forums
63407 Topics
443313 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#27410 - 12/21/05 05:34 AM i found my little boy ,he's in the cemetary
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
i can't do this anymore ,i don't belong here ,i don't deserve to stand beside any of the good people here.i never should have started asking for answers ,sometimes you don't like the answers you get . i went to therapy yesterday but all that seems so far away now ,out of sight ,out of reach . i sent my letter to my father i don't even know if he had time to get it yet ,when i got back from pittsburgh ,for therapy ,there was two letters in my mailbox both from my father .why he waited to tell me this i don't know ,in one short letter the only one i ever got from him he answered all my questions ,he opened a part of my mind with memories that were burried underneath all the abuse .memories i don't want ,i can't deal with ,i blocked them out ,i don't want them back !!!! somebody please take them away !!! i can't say what my family has done to me was right ,but i understand why . i just had to know why ,i should have just let it go!!!i am gonna end here because this is a place to get help ,there is no help for this ,no words can take it away ,i deserved all that i got ,i guess i should explain since so many people have tried to help me here ,but who wants to here any more of this craziness . gotta get up and move ,i'll try later ,gotta keep moving shadow

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

Top
#27411 - 12/21/05 06:07 AM Re: i found my little boy ,he's in the cemetary
Liam Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/03/03
Posts: 41
Loc: Currently South Africa
Adam - i want to encourage you not to think that you deserve all you got. You know who you are and you know the child you walked away from. I am not aware what your father said but if it were any things like my fathers explanations it will do more damage than good. Dont let this beat you down. If it does write me and let us talk. We all experience times like these. keep safe


Top
#27412 - 12/21/05 06:21 AM Re: i found my little boy ,he's in the cemetary
Derdlecar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1314
Loc: Ogden Utah, USA
I'm here Adam,
I'm here Shadow,
What else can I say. Tell me what it is that is hurting you so badly. Please don't let the perp win! You can do this my friend. Don't do it for me, do it for you. Do it because someday you will be glad you did. You do belong here.

Keep on keeping on my friend

Darrel

_________________________
If a man would get his life on track, he must first go back to the place where it was derailed.

Top
#27413 - 12/21/05 07:14 AM Re: i found my little boy ,he's in the cemetary
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
i'm here i just can't right now ,i don't want to remember any thing else .a huge chunk of my life was just blank ,it's too much i don't want to fill in that blank ,god why didn't they just finish what they started !i can't think straight to write ,i don't want to see the words ,it hurts too much . shadow ,i even remember why they called me shadow ,how can something be so deep inside you don't even know it's there? guess i should call that therapist lady ain't that what their for?he just reached into my head and tore down all the walls ,i needed those walls to protect me from the truth . shadow

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

Top
#27414 - 12/21/05 10:14 AM Re: i found my little boy ,he's in the cemetary
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Adam,

I burst to tears when I read that you think the little boy is dead, NO, he is not, and never will be.

He is looking for help, he is confused that life can be so horrific to him in his past, he is safe now, nobody can hurt him, only his past is hurt.

Think of just how strong he was to get you here to where you are today, a little boy who had nobody to care for him then, and he wondered why he was let to live through so much in a seemingly loving world full of people laughing.

Nobody wants you to go, and I hope you can stay, please,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#27415 - 12/21/05 10:51 AM Re: i found my little boy ,he's in the cemetary
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Adam,

Little Adam is not in the cemetery. He is the part of you that is crying out in anguish now. He wasn't ready for this ambush from your father and this is hurting him very bad - just it would hurt any of your brothers here.

Yes, it hurts very bad when the memories are triggered, but there can never be any way that the child is responsible for what happened. There can never be any circumstances when the child deserves what was done to him. Big Adam needs to stand firm against the flood and get Little Adam through this.

My friend, YOU owe this to that brave kid who got through those horrors of a few years ago. He is hurting, frightened, and confused - but he is right there waiting for your help.

As for us, Adam, you are stuck with us. Love and compassion are spontaneous gifts from the heart; they can't be returned or reconsidered. They are yours without conditions.

Big hugs and much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#27416 - 12/21/05 05:19 PM Re: i found my little boy ,he's in the cemetary
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11053
Loc: Denver, CO
Adam,

Quote:
i don't belong here ,i don't deserve to stand beside any of the good people here.
Of course you belong here. And I don't know how "good" I am, but if I can help I will, and you DO deserve it. As best as I or any of us can, we will stand with you.

FT

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

Top
#27417 - 12/21/05 10:37 PM Re: i found my little boy ,he's in the cemetary
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
i keep comming and looking at posts but can't respond ,i been talking to the therapy lady for hours today ,i need to know ,how can i remember every little detail of what my cousin did to me ,but have years of my early childhood where i don't remember anything ,and when i would try to remember like the years fron 5 or 6 to 11 years old ,i would have nothing and not wonder why .any time i would try to remember the abuse memories would take over . but there is just too much that happened ,did my dad somehow put these new memories in my head ? i feel like i have taken over this board with my whinning and blubbering .acted like it is my own personal place to hog up everyones time ,that ain't fair to anyone else who needs the help here .how can a few lines in a letter just explode my memories all at once ,if i kept something hidden from myself for so long why all of a sudden is it all there ,it wasn't gradual or a little at a time ,it was instant .how could i not remember what i did to cause all that has happened to me ,how could i not remember being in a mental hospital or spending over a year in total silence no comunication with anyone ,oh sure they talked to me ,everyone talked to me ,shrinks ,my grandfather ,nurses at the hospital people from the church . i refused to speak ,i could not speak .then suddenly it was gone ,no memories, i was just a kid again ,not a good kid .not a bad kid ,just a kid. i don't think it's possible .the therapiat says the trauma was so great that my mind just blocked it out ,then why the hell didn't it block out what my cousin did to me ?i don't believe her ,i don't want to believe the things i now remember . but i know they are true!!i'm sorry this is comming out all out of whack ,i'm only talking around the truth because i can't dissappoint all those here who have helped me so much.but how will that change if i finish this too long story that i started here ,what the hell have i gotten us all into ? this place is not about me ,it's not my own personal crying place ,it's not shadow's site it is a site for people who want and need to heal .i thought that is what i wanted but i can't heal anything so why should i waste the time of such kind caring people ,there are things that just can't be fixed and that is how it should be ,sometimes you just gotta say it's my fault and accept it . the therapist said that the people here don't care what i have done ,she thinks the site is a great thing and so do i she says that you will still support me and i know that's true ,but she is just trying to make me feel better ,she thinks maybe i need to be in a hospital ,yeah right why don't she just come out and say i belong in the looney bin? i truly would like to tell you all the truth ,the real truth ,all of the truth ,not just whine about how much i suffered ,how bad adam's life has been .if i can find the guts i will finish shadow's story then everyone will see the real reasons for everything i have written here .i have to say that at least it all makes sense now so i guess that is what i been looking for .but damn it ,i wanted to believe it wasn't my fault .it was better when i thought that my parents were just assholes who didn't want me . ibelieve my father when he says i always knew why i just didn't want to face up to it .i'm soory if i seem kida out of it my mind is just kinda in neutral or something ,overload ,is what the therapist called it .now that i remember everything i don't think i need her anymore she's not gonna get me locked up in some nuthouse ,i will not be trapped in a cell ever,or strapped to some damn hospital bed ,ain't happening . i am trying to find a way to explain all this crap and then i think it should be time to just ,let you all get back to your own problems and not waste your time with me .thanks for putting up with this crazy person . shadow

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

Top
#27418 - 12/22/05 12:21 AM Re: i found my little boy ,he's in the cemetary
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Adam, you're not "hogging up" our time here. We're all in this together.

These good people here are not here under duress, they're not here under court order to do community service, they're here because they want to help people like us. They WANT to help! Enlisting the service of these angels, (for lack of a better term), is something I am not going to pass up either.

Adam, I have my demons to fight as well, (and when I say demons I mean it), but at LEAST you're facing YOUR DEMONS right now! Stand your ground and do what you have to do ok? You knew this wouldn't be easy, and this is probably the most helpless, crazy time of your life, but but we're with you, all of us.

I suggest that you enlist some personal support from Roadrunner or WalkingSouth, they're older and wiser than me, and they have more experience with dealing with our problems in practical ways.

Adam, what about your friends? You may be suprised what trust can produce if you talk to them. Is there anyone that you trust besides your therapist, or us?

I have never talked about my problems with any of my friends, but if I wanted to, I could, and would guess that they would listen and be HONORED that I would share my deepest secrets and feelings. But I'm gonna see a T before I even think of that. It was really hard for me just to talk to my Uncle about what I'm dealing with.

You have much to accomplish, think of the possibilities! I waited too long to face my problems, (at 36), many opportunities have passed me by, but you are dealing with this RIGHT NOW!


Top
#27419 - 12/22/05 12:50 AM Re: i found my little boy ,he's in the cemetary
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Adam, we all need support and caring, including you. We all were hurt and are healing. You belong here as much as the rest of us. I hope you are doing a bit better, and stronger. Take care brother, Thanks for being here.

I was not in a good place a few months ago, so much has happened in the past year to change my life. I had a huge hole to climb out of. I am still climbing out, but I am closer the edge of the hole. Things have gotten better for me. I know it is not easy or fun Adam hang in there buddy.

michael

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

Top
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.