This morning my husband had an awful flashback. Probably the worst one in the 11 years we've been married. It breaks my heart to see him like that.

What can I do to help him feel better? I've asked him, but he says he doesn't know.

We have had a co-dependent relationship that he has broken and I'm still struggling to break. This leaves us (especially me), clueless on how to respond.

What do wives do to help your husbands in these situations? What would survivors like from your wives following a flashback or what do your wives do for you?

Just be there.

Katie

Mama,

This is just me and I'm not speaking for all male survivors here, but if I am to share the details of my flashback or even just impart that I've had one - I don't want my partner's feedback.

What I want is to be heard, understood that I'm going through a rough patch, trusted that I can and will work it out - what I don't want is to have a discussion about it.

Just give me the space I need to find my balance again.

I am not your husband (oh, you lucky girl ) and I am not speaking for him, but I'm wondering if perhaps you aren't asking him the right question in the wrong way.

I fully understand that your aim is to help, and he is indeed fortunate that you care enough to want to help. But, dear girl, there is nothing that you can do to help fix this for him.

Perhaps if you tried: "Can you tell me what you need from me in this moment?", you might just get the answer that you are looking for.

Mama, I hope this helps, and please keep in mind that all this is just one guy's opinion.

That is excellent, Joel, I think.

I distinguish memory from flashback in this way...a memory is something I am recalling...a flashback is something I am reliving. Even the best intentions, like two of my previous therapists can revictimize if it is a flashback...I think, for me...Joel's suggestion is excellent. But then, as Joel says, I can only really speak for myself.



Dave

Thanks guys. You are right. There is nothing I can do.

This is just so hard. Co-dependency is hard to break. Watching the man you love hurt is even harder.

I've been married to him for 11 years. We've had our ups and downs, but I never expected it to get this down.

Please tell me there will be an up soon.

I don't want to lose him.