I would have written it sooner, if I had known how much it would help me and others. It came out of a desire to shed personal blame and reinforce confidence in myself and who I am. There's definitely a certain amount of cognitive dissonance that survivors of man-on-man sexual abuse have. This goal is (and should be) to un-distort this. This feed (among my time in therapy and other things) has proven to me that articulating one's emotions destroys confusion. It's so simple! Yet the fear, shame, and confusion unjustly convince us of the negative core beliefs instilled by the original perpetrators.

I think I look at a lot of porn, almost every day. I am aroused by it. I am also aware of how I view it as a diversion and escape from reality. I've read here the opinion by others that viewing porn is a control issue, that I am in control of it. Not sure if that fits for me.

But at any rate, I was turned on to porn by an adolescent friend at the age of 12. I tired of it all, and I want to get beyond it.

My thoughts on this issue have come from a personal awareness or better understanding of myself. I think in some ways we were so conditioned to please our abuser that this gets ingrained/hardwired and its hard to undo it. I have definitely struggled with this issue myself. I also wonder though how much of a role of sex as a taboo in our society has a part in this issue. Good luck to you man.

Charlie.

I agree. In the end it was about doing what ever it took to please my abusers, so that they wouldn't get rougher or physically abusive. I still struggle when ever I see a man that triggers me.

Porn was part of the program from the beginning and because of it I also became addicted to it and that's one of the reasons I had to have an accountability partner that could handle the information he was going to have to deal with regarding my SA and physical abuse.

thanks for your replies. they make me feel less alone, and put everything into perspective. they also allow me to process everything in a conscious manner, objectively.

joe kort has a blog here called straight guise where he talks about why men who do not identify as gay think about sex with men. questioning people may find it relevant.

ron

hey faller2. Good Post. Goodness I began writing a reply and it went on and on.......

The visual aspect of us being human and responding to things is amazing. Look at TV, the movies, the art community. We respond to the visual. We respond to everything......By responding to something that is not, what you think, to be within the parameters of one's self image only says one thing about you..........you are human. You are not responding necessarily to any definition of who you are. You are just responding to your responses that may be beyond your control. The visual expression of the human body in one manner or another. I would suggest that you accept your responses to things. Just don't necessarily give them power if they are not you. We all go through questions, doubts, self searching.

Just be who you are one moment at a time. You have your own power to be yourself. To heal yourself. To enjoy yourself.

We are soooooo impacted with all of our senses. At so many levels. I just hope Road Runner cartoons don't arouse you............BEEP BEEP

smiling. Good Luck

riveerboy, good reply

that's very objective and relevant--makes sense. I don't really find myself looking at gay porn so much anymore. It's more of a non issue now that I've started talking about it. It's almost like it never happened; arousal has stopped, and I realize it's mind over matter. I can no longer allow negativity to rule my head.

I've learned that sexual orientation is inborn, but because of being abused by a same-sex individual, healthy sexual development was impaired. Sex is pleasurable, regardless if it's abusive or consensual. So being sexually abused by a same-sex individual associates a powerfully pleasurable physiologic reaction to a slew of negative emotions. People know for sure their orientation, but sensuality knows no limits. The body does not respect the boundaries of the mind when conditioned to operate in a dissonant manner.

So it makes sense that I've been aroused by gay porn. All of the men who've abused me have been larger and stronger--one of them being a personal trainer! My body was just operating normally by reacting and becoming aroused. It's what it was taught to do. It's amazing how the arousal response has receded by talking about it, by 'un-enforcing' it.

I don't buy the whole 'bisexual' theory either; if that works for some people, whatever. It's strange. I've never been attracted to men, wanted to have sex with them, but I have been aroused by them. There's where the confusion entered. I thought that because I was aroused by them, that I was supposed to have sex with them. I believed I was broken and unworthy of experiencing the sex I desired and lusted after (in my case with women), and felt that in order to feel any kind of sexual pleasure, it had to be with men. What woman would want me after being sexually abused? Strange again, many woman would (and do!) want me, even after knowing I've been abused, aroused by men. What does it mean? For starters, that I've been through some fucked-up shit. But there is closure, there is complete healing, and there is life after abuse! I can get over this! For so long I thought that was impossible, that I had to learn to deal with the conditioned homosexual arousal, the thought of never having a healthy sexuality. Not today, not yesterday, and not ever! If there are any perpetrators reading this (because they come on here) FUCK YOU! You don't live in my head anymore! I'm not gay! I won't do that messed up gay shit with you! I do what I want from now on! FUCK YOU for saying I had to have sex with men! FUCK YOU for putting me down! FUCK YOU for robbing me of everything good! For all of us on here, FUCK YOU! You are pure evil. Those of us on here, overcoming being sexually abused by other men, are the strongest men in the world. Praise Jesus for our strength! The 'old tapes' from my abusers are slowing becoming erased...the shit they put in my head is leaving...forever...FUCK YOU JOE! FUCK YOU OTHER GUY WHO'S NAME I DON'T KNOW! FUCK YOU guys for abusing me! You shouldn't have done that, you don't own me, and I'm taking my life back.

"....It's more of a non issue now that I've started talking about it.""

I have to agree with this statement from faller2. I also have noticed a change in my desire for viewing porn since joining this site and participating in this and other threads and thinking about, processing my feelings. I am enjoying this feeling of freedom.

As for the "theory" of bisexuality... I don't believe it is a theory. It fits for me but I am open to others' experiences of how it is for them.