SurviveManc1 earlier mentioned wanting a big brother.... oh boy, did that take my breath away. I am an only child. When I was being abused as a child, and ever since then....I held onto the belief that if I only had a big brother he would have saved me. He would have been looking out for me, he would have noticed something was wrong when nobody else did. I just couldn't understand why this seemed so unfair to be so alone. Wow, how the hell did I survive that....well then the alcohol and drugs started.

I had two younger sisters and no brothers, but I did have my next-door neighbor who was two years older and his brother who was five years older than I was, plus a couple more guys my age on the same little cul-de-sac with 7 houses on it. Unfortunately, the one next-door neighbor was one of my abusers. I also had my cousins, three guys within three years of my age, but they were a rough and tumble bunch who liked to play hockey. The youngest one and I were like brothers growing-up, as I used to protect him from the older two. Yes, I wished that I had a brother too, though watching my nephews grow up, the older one beat-up on the younger one until the younger one got to be bigger and then...trouble!!! They are 16 and 20 now, and the 16 year-old outweighs the 20 year-old by 25 lbs and has him on reach too.

My one therapist who used to run trips to the mountains was Jeff Casebolt, and he used to have an office in Lakewood, CO in 1996. I looked recently on Google but didn't find him. He worked with another counselor and they used to run Summer weekend camping trips into the mountains with 6-8 clients at a time. Most of the guys then were between their late 20s and late 40s, at least on the one trip that I went on. In 1996 I was 39 when I saw him last.

It sounds like your last therapist didn't want you guys to meet privately because he was worried about losing business???

Glad that you are back and committed to your success.

Mark

By the way - Tinman

I was listening to Tracy Chapman yesterday and after listening to one of her songs that I've heard 100s of times before but in a way for the first time in the context of surviving I thought about your MS ID name.

Here's a link to the lyrics of 'Remember the Tinman' by Tracy Chapman.

http://www.lyrics.com/index.php/artists/lyric/tracy-chapman-p-3874-lyrics-remember-the-tinman

I think we are on the right path to finding our hearts here on MS.

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Trucker - I really don't know what his motivation was for discouraging us from meeting outside of group. I'd like to think he had good/therapuetic reasons or intentions and I try not to harbor ill will against him. It was a good group for a period of time, it ended poorly, but it was still part of my path to a better me.

Glad to be back.

Funny, I have 2 brothers and 3 step- brothers...I never wanted them to know I was soiled, used and ashamed.

I think that what they were going through was different than what i was expierencing in silence. I would have died from embarassment if they had known.

Guess it was the shame that kept me quiet, and I had decided to suffer alone...yes , later alcohol and drugs kept me numb ...Nomansanisland

I have decided to seek support from others who can identify. I am so tired of carring all this alone.

I have been wondering for years if all the things that are jacked up about me are related to being a victum of sexual abuse, and not finding support...

the mind does funny things...feels better just to talk to someone...thanks to you...nomansanisland

to nomansanisland and others, i feel better when talking about it also, and i want you to know you can reach out and talk to me, either via the boards or by pm if you prefer. i welcome that and get a lot of energy from the contact. til next time....