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#273575 - 02/01/09 05:55 PM Friends with another survivor?
Tinman Offline


Registered: 05/30/08
Posts: 359
Loc: Lake Forest, CA
I have this friend who I have known for a few months now. He is a survivor also. And he leads a local group for survivors here, though he is going to be leaving that soon. He refers to it as "retirement."

In all the time I spent in SIA, I never really made friends with another survivor. It was program and little else. I always thought that a bit of distance from people in the program was a good thing.

What I have learned from my friend is that we are more than survivors. We are people who happened to be abused. People first.

I guess what I am saying is that I have always thought the abuse is what defined me. And I am learning that it is not that. I get to define me. And have friends, some survivors, some not. Friends who give different things to me. Marty is the friend I turn to when the survivor stuff eats me up. And Terrance is the friend I turn to when I just need to let loose and be someone other than a survivor. And Terrance understands that he can't understand my survivor issues. Marty is teaching me that he can but that also we can be friends linked by other things.

I am just grateful for all of the good people in my life today. It wasn't always this way.

Paul

_________________________
Tinman
"I finally have my heart!"

To the perps: Don't worry about me coming after you. But you damn well better watch out for God! "Vengeance is mine", saith the Lord

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#273588 - 02/01/09 07:34 PM Re: Friends with another survivor? [Re: Tinman]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
I know two survivors in the LA-area socially, and 4 others in the Denver-area. We play golf together, ski together, dine together, and have all kinds of fun, and we are always looking for new members. I think that it helps some with social anxieties too. It is hard to meet new friends at our ages, and this is something that we have in common. Sometimes we even talk recovery issues.

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#273590 - 02/01/09 07:39 PM Re: Friends with another survivor? [Re: Trucker51]
AYounglove10 Offline


Registered: 11/17/08
Posts: 30
Loc: U.S., Arizona
My best friend is a survivor.
We talk everyday.
We talk when we are in pain, and can empathize with each other.
In a way, I ocnsider it a blessing that I have found another teen guy who is able to let it out into the open.
I love the kid more than anything or anyone.
It hurts that a loved one has shared the same atrocities, but knowing that I am not alone is a helpful notion.
He helps fill the void that my perp instilled in me.
He and I are both able to let that inner child, that little boy, feel comforted once more.
He and I both are in it together, just like all of us here.


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#273601 - 02/01/09 08:25 PM Re: Friends with another survivor? [Re: AYounglove10]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
There is a special connection that is naturally forged with a friend who is also a survivor. There is a deep connection that is automatically established between friends. It's not unlike friendships forged in battle. We have a common evil, a common enemy as a reference point.

I value the friendships I have forged with other survivors.

Mike

_________________________
My Story

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#273604 - 02/01/09 08:28 PM Re: Friends with another survivor? [Re: Barkabus]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
at the same time, not all survivors make that connection. and if i dare say it - some "brother survivors" cause some of the deepest wounds.

m


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#273607 - 02/01/09 08:38 PM Re: Friends with another survivor? [Re: MarkK]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
I met my first survivor last week. It was nice to just sit there and talk.
I don't know what I expected but it was really a good experience. Just two guys having cup of coffee and talking.

Trucker Mark I really enjoyed the time we spent talking.
Let's do it again next time your in town.

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#273612 - 02/01/09 09:10 PM Re: Friends with another survivor? [Re: michael banks]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Mark,

You raise a good point. Our common experience as survivors isn't necessarily enough for friendship. We still need other commonalities to establish and maintain true friendship.

Mike

_________________________
My Story

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#273628 - 02/01/09 10:34 PM Re: Friends with another survivor? [Re: Barkabus]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
that's what i'm looking for. someone with enough in common to have a good conversation. friendship? i'm not expecting miracles.

m


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#273793 - 02/03/09 09:05 AM Re: Friends with another survivor? [Re: MarkK]
SurviveManc1 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/30/08
Posts: 80
Loc: Manchester, UK
I always wanted a big brother, someone i met who is a survivor has become that person. I met 23 amazing guys at a reatreat and we still keep in touch (some more than others) but they are my friends.

I am a person first, then a survivor of childhood/teenage sexual abuse; gay; 33; a partner; a brother; a worker; a T; etc etc all come second. However, the second bits all make me who i am......

I have a past, but i am not my past,
I have a family, but i am not my family,
I have a job, but i am not my job,
I have a partner, but i am not my partner,
I have interests, but i am not my interests,
so what am i....

I am a person made up of everything and of nothing.

:o)

x

_________________________
The more you refuse to hear my voice, the louder i will sing! - Labi Saffre

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#273796 - 02/03/09 09:22 AM Re: Friends with another survivor? [Re: SurviveManc1]
nomansanisland Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/09
Posts: 156
Loc: NM
just wanted to say that this is my first post. I discovered this site after a long time of carrying someone elses guilt with me for 39 years. I had convinced myself that i am a victim of csa 1st. Your poem is how I feel. I spent 3 hours yesterday pouring over this site and learned alot. Couldn't sleep last nite because I felt so free...Do I want to be friends with another person who is a survivor? Right noew I just want to soak it all up..I am sure after I get over my humiliation and loss of my childhood , I will need to have friends. Where do I start ? Thanks for lettiing me purge. I really liked your post...best of everything to you..from nomanisanisland

_________________________
" If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drum. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away." Henry David Thoreau

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