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#273217 - 01/30/09 12:09 AM How to feel
one_day_at_a_time Offline
Member

Registered: 01/03/03
Posts: 42
Loc: North Carolina
Well after releasing the last post from my soul, I am feeling a little differently now. I wanted this post to be about how I feel right now. About how I feel as a gay/bi man that is trying to find himself after living a life in which I pretended to be straight. I know that I am only 24, but I stil have done so much to prove to people that Im straight ( I used to always get teased for acting gay or liking girly things- though I didnt think I was or did- and I used to swear I was not- even though on some level I knew thats who I was).

Its weird to be in this place now. To be where I thought I nevver wanted to be. I never wanted to be gay/bi. I wanted to be straight. Thats all. But I am not, and thats ok. Its ok to be me. Its beautiful to be me. I am blessed. I am still me.

Right now, Im in kind of a spiritual fast. Most people fast and deny themselves food, but I can do that normally, its no a problem. This fast is important because I am asking God for wisdom and knowledge about who I am. I am fasting by denying my body any kind of sexual gratification for this week (through Sunday). No masterbating, no hook ups, no nothing. I am just asking God to show me that my flesh does not control me, that by his will my desire to act out does not control me. That how I feel about men is not just about acting out, its about who I am attracted to. I think I am starting to see that. Im glad that I am. But its been rough. haha

However, I am glad that I am doing this because I have had other periods in my life where I said that I may be gay or bi, but I proved that by going and acting out with some guy and then coming back and feeling dirty and then convincing myself that because of how dirty I felt I couldnt be gay. Now, I dont want to do that. I want to be gay/bi because its who I am, not because I go and meet some random guy for sex. I dont want that. I am NOT A VICTIM ANYMORE. I DONT HAVE TO LISTEN TO THAT IMPULSE THAT SAYS THAT I NEED TO BE VICTIMIZED. I DESERVE LOVE. I DESERVE THE LOVE OF A GREAT GUY. I DESERVE LOVE JUST LIKE WE ALL DO.

I PRAY THAT WE ALL FIND IT ONE DAY. I KNOW I AM TRYING.

MUCH LOVE GUYS

MB

_________________________
I found God

now I just need to find myself

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#273225 - 01/30/09 07:21 AM Re: How to feel [Re: one_day_at_a_time]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
(((((MB)))))

i am glad for you that you have found resolution in the tensions around your sexuality. acceptance is a good thing, and it is good to see that you were able to reconcile the tensions before you went ahead and built your life on a false road like i did.

the sexual abuse is devastating, and further confuses the already complex issue of human sexuality. i don't know if you like to read or not, but if you are in the mood you may enjoy the perspective of dr. robert minor who wrote the book scared straight unpacking a lot of the myths we buy into regarding sexual orientation.

i am glad you have made this peace within yourself. it is always best to be who you truly are. yes it does present its special challenges, but the joy in it far outweights the pain of suppressing the true nature.

if i may be so bold, allow me to suggest that you now surround yourself with a wholesome community of people who will support you in your identity. that way as you practice the art of acceptance, you will have plenty of friendly mirrors reinforcing the positive aspects. you can check out the resources at your local glbt community center.

hoping for all the best for you in your continued healing,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#273316 - 01/31/09 12:22 AM Re: How to feel [Re: Sans Logos]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Congratulations MB! That took a lot of reflection and hard work to get this far in recovery. Ron makes a great suggestion:

Quote:
"if i may be so bold, allow me to suggest that you now surround yourself with a wholesome community of people who will support you in your identity. that way as you practice the art of acceptance, you will have plenty of friendly mirrors reinforcing the positive aspects. you can check out the resources at your local glbt community center."


Creating a group of supportive friends to practice acceptance is really important. Another idea might be coming to the GBTQ healing circle here on the site. We meet Sunday nights from 9-11 eastern. If you are interested, check out the details here and private message me if you are interested. I hope to see you around and your continued journey to recovery.

Peace and love...

Michael


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