• I was sexually abused for no reason, threatened, obligated. – Why? – No reason
• I have a PhD title for the rest of my life: Victim of Sexual Abuse and Neglect. Why? – No reason
• I was left ALONE, unheard for a long time while my abuser was having an intense rehab and qualified therapists
• Others see me as a kid, like the kid inside me that never grew up
• I feel my face is frozen, rigid, emotionless.
• My dad said I didn’t deserve to be in his family when I was age 7 due to my abuse
• After 13 years in silence dad told me not to “stress too much” because he’s known worse cases than mine
• My mom is sick and I can’t tell her my problems because stress will make her feel worse.
• My abuser came back from rehab and everything came back to “normality”. He used to go to my house, for birthdays and xmas as nothing had happened in the past.
• No legal procedures were taken because they were afraid of what people would say
• My abuser right now has a son, a family and a life. Meanwhile… I find it hard to organize myself and every single day I try to keep things in silence, coping with things I don’t want
• I have a weird fetish with clothes or whatever unusual “thing” that didn’t let me have a normal sexuality exploration during puberty
• I don’t have anyone to answer my questions
• I had to read books to find accurate and scientific answers
• I lacked of a masculine figure I could use as identification and motivation. I didn’t have any man I wanted to “become” or someone close I could use as an example. Right now I think that my self-conception of masculinity is very low, as well as my self confidence.
• I find myself unable to maintain a relationship
• I didn’t do a lot of normal things because of my dad’s stupid thoughts like: “If you do that, you’ll end up being gay”
• Not having autonomy because of my dad for ALL my life.
• Listening every day I am dad’s disappointment and that I was not his ideal son and friend because I didn’t go with him to the stadium, or talked about how’d I like to fuck a girl (sorry for the expression)
• Being compared to other boys my age
• Being robbed, living in a neighborhood in which it’s possible to walk around the corner and find a dead body or a blood stain on the street, or someone being shot in front of your house.
• Crawling on floor because there was chance of being shot
• Having a gun on my back being robbed.
• Being scared of going to the street to the point that I had to take pills to calm down
• Having catastrophic thoughts
• Having had symptoms of schizophrenia and no one cared. As I was moving my eyes abnormally, dad told me that if I keep doing so, there would not be xmas gifts for me anymore
• My sister wanting to kill herself because she feels pointless
• My sister writing things on her skin with a blade
• My sister taking overdoses of painkillers to kill herself
• My sister becoming bisexual or gay at a very young age
• My sister’s girlfriend parents want to kill her or have my sister leave her and in order to do so, they’d hurt my sister or her family (that is, us) as a punishment… so I was in danger in the streets
• Being scared all the time because of my sister
• My parents are going to separate
• My father left the house for some days
• My grandmother saying that mom was born of a cursed womb
• Doing a great effort telling a friend about my case and he didn’t care
• Not having a therapist for 13 years. Why? – NO REASON
• Going to psychology sessions and finding out they didn’t work
• Coping with people that encourage me to be in a relationship and/or to see women as sexual objects. Fuck that! I have plenty of things to think about already!
• Coping with people that tell me I am ok and that I do not have anything to worry about
• Looking at people my age that are happy, in a relationship, fully identified with no fears or catastrophic thoughts, dysfunctional parents etc.
• Having difficulty to breathe because of depression and anxiety
• Taking pills to feel better. Stimulate serotonin secretion in my brain
• Being hit and grounded by my dad for stupid things. I had to take a ladder to the backyard to reach a window to be able to talk to some friends
• Being hit by a baseball bat on a side of my head. It was so strong that my left hand was numb for hours.
• Not being able to talk with friends openly about my problems
• Being TIRED of my 13yr-long fake smile. Let’s face it, I am not happy
• Being TIRED of my 13yr-long fake sympathy
• I am tired of being a printed paper with excellent grades, making people think I am that productive because I am internally ok… That’s a LIE!
• Realizing that I have very low self esteem
• Thinking that very probably I wouldn’t be a good father in the future. In case of having a son, would I be a good-enough masculine figure that he could use as a motivation and identification? In case of a girl, would I be good as a figure of complementation?
• Thinking that I shouldn’t marry and have kids for the future because I don’t want to make this “curse” a neverending story. I wouldn’t like my kids to write things like this or to have a depressed, lost inside father.
• It’s absurd the fact that people think “Oh he’s got excellent grades, hence, he is an example for today’s youth and bla bla…” while inside I am NOT ok. People don’t realize that study is for me like a shield, a resource to flee from society. Then What? I think I should’ve been a paranoid or crazy hyper to let them know I was PROBABLY not ok.
• Being considered among my family and friends as the COLDEST and emotionless person they ever met. Every time they have problems they cry, they can express their feelings and so on… I CAN NOT cry, my grandma died and I was feeling very bad inside and could not cry. I feel a knot inside my throat and that’s it. Sometimes it’s hard for me to breathe.
• Going to stress management class and not being able to tell my “problems”. I have to pretend I am stressed for another reason. What about telling everyone: “Hey, I am a survivor of sexual victimization for no reason, threatened, and no one cared for 13 years, plus, all the college stress and the fact that I live alone etc…?
• Going to the doctor and tell this entire story to get an appointment to the psychologist; go to the psychologist and tell this entire story to get a once-a-month (luckily) appointment to the psychiatrist. Therapist information in my country? None. Would a psychiatrist work?
• Telling mom all this and she was blaming herself of leaving me alone all this time, then she was crying, walking on the street.
• Finding another item for this list every day.
• Writing a tale (that no one reads) in which I live together with my inner child, and I end with the conclusion that I want to kill him
• My grandmother telling my sister about all MY case.
• Going to the doctor at age 7 to see If I was affected by the abuse. Horrible
• My dad telling his mom about all the problems he has. Isn’t he capable enough to handle family issues by himself of at least with professional aid? By the way, he hates whatever kind of psychologists, therapists, etc. My mother’s mom does not know anything. Mom takes care of her and her family problems by herself and she asks for professional aid when needed. Dad can’t do that.
• Not wanting to be like my dad. No matter what we’re talking about
• My dad telling me that the family is screwed up because of him on the last xmas day. And that he was going to kill himself that day.

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Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. ~Josh Billings.
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