what is my problem?...as said above, to me I think, nothing at all!
I can only tell you how I felt and feel now. It took me many years to understand my own thoughts and feelings, just who I was. I was so very confused for much of my life, my sexuality. I always felt so bad about myself when I had thoughts and feeling, sexually, and otherwise towards guys and men. "You can't feel that way Ken" "You have 7 siblings that are all straight" "You are expected to get married, have kids and live happily ever after like the rest of your family and friends" I prayed to God daily to take away from me these feelings and "evil" thoughts. This was not me feeling these thoughts, it was someone else doing this to me.
Only after my nightmares started and I could no longer keep my secret of CSA to myself, did I begin to understand just who I was. Through almost 2 years now of my journey of CSA do I now know that I am a gay man and that it is absolutely OK. My thoughts and feelings were and are ME. When I finally came to Peace with myself to just who I am, did I finally feel the relief inside of me that was and still is overwhelming.
What I still am having anxiety with is not everyone, friends and famiy, know about my sexual preference. But with the help of my therapist and group, I am understanding that I don't have to "come out" to anyone. I don't have to wave a banner or proclaim to everyone I feel close to, who I am.
They will figure it out by my actions that I no longer try to hide from others. My partner and I Love each other so very much, and as friends and family see us together, they will either accept me as who I really am or they will not>>>> That to me is their choice to make. AS I said at the beginning, This is their problem, not MINE.
It is not easy to be a survivor of CSA nor is it easy to be gay in a very religious family. Part of my family have disowned me as their brother. They don't "get it". My perp. brother takes no responsibility to how he "hurt" me. It is very sad for me, but I try to understand them and their feelings. My family and others have made their choice. I am who I am and I am true to myself. I feel at peace within my heart and soul. And I know God still loves me. He is the only TRUE friend I will ever need.
Thanks for listening
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN
From the Movie: Antwone Fisher
***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***