Maybe the perspective of someone much older than you, who's been through a journey of trying to separate the effects of sexual abuse from whatever my sexuality is would be helpful.
This certainly could be different for you. But it's only until I really tried to recover what exactly happened to me, re-examine all the feelings and circumstances and reflect on how that's all effected me that I've come to feel better about myself sexually. And yes, a lot of my attraction to men has quite a lot to do with various abuses and traumas when I was young. A lot of what I thought for a long time was attraction to men has turned out to be not so. It's taken me a very long time to "figure out". In fact, I was pretty happily partnered with a man for 16 years. Gay relationships can be absolutely just as satisfying and meaningful as straight ones, but where do I feel "at home" and best? 30 years later I still have questions.
I say that abusive sex and my natural sexuality got put in a blender and mixed on high and now, I'm trying to separate the two out again. I may never completely. I'm sad about that, for sure, but I've come to feel good about all my relationships, same and opposite sex, tangled with abuse or not. I'm doing the best I can. And it's very important to NEVER FORGET...
It isn't my fault.
It isn't YOUR fault either.
Good luck to you sorting it all out. Getting help from professionals with training in abuse is a great idea in my opinion. Those people have helped me enormously. It's hard to figure out all on your own.
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you