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#27291 - 04/24/02 11:27 PM Confronting?
TIM Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/24/02
Posts: 1
Loc: usa
Hello, I am completely new to this sight. I am member of SAA. Call me Tim.

I had something happen yesterday that I could use some strength and hope on. I passed a person on the street who looked like someone who I now consider as an abuser. (For 15 years I considered it as a consenting exchange of drugs for sex. In the last year I have had to reevaluate that, I was 17 he at least 7 or 8 years older and a former sports coach.) Anyways my initial thought was to say "hey, are you so-and-so?" and then just punch him in the head. Later I started thinking no wait, he's sick, I should be comapassionate, he's probably suffering too. However, I still need a little room to process this, no compassion yet. Now I am wondering how I should approach this person if I see him again, I realize punching him would probably not be in my best interest. (Part of me is also afraid of some kind of retaliation later.)

Have any of you dealt with a situation like this before? I would like to be prepared in case I do see this person again. I am thinking of saying something like "you know that was wrong, I consider you a child molester, I hope you have found help for that, you are sick, I am very angry about that situation, you took advantage of me, although I am not going to I would like to punch you, do not ever try to contact me."

Any input or suggestions?


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#27292 - 04/25/02 02:41 AM Re: Confronting?
fenics Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/25/02
Posts: 25
Loc: Midlands UK
Tim

Welcome to this place - I hope it helps you to get a few things straight in your head, it certainly helps me.

Anyway, I think about this a lot and I am planning on confronting my abuser in the next few weeks as soon as I feel ready.

The first thing to say is that at 17 there is no way you could have understood the implications of what was being done to you, even if there was some 'exchange'. The way that abuse fucks up your head and your heart has effects that change you forever. The only reason to confront is if it will do you some good, like letting you get past the fact of abuse and allowing you to deal with the consequences.

I started the 'confrontation' process by writing a letter to my abuser. I wrote down exactly what happened and my reactions to it, following the suggestions made in the example Newsletter (go back to the home page and click on 'Newsletter' under 'Member Benefits'). That has helped me to understand what happened and opened up some other questions which I want answered. My next move, I think, will be to phone him as I don't trust myself not to hit him. That is not going to be productive and is unlikely to help me in the long term. The stage I want to get to is where he means no more to me than a memory of stepping in a dog turd, where he is just something to despise but has no other power to affect my current or future life.

Confrontation can be good for you but take it slowly and give it lots of time and thought.

fenics


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#27293 - 04/25/02 09:51 AM Re: Confronting?
tjcowden Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/13/02
Posts: 8
Loc: North Carolina
Hey Tim,

My abuser was an older brother so I didn't have any choice but to see him. Even now I'm not comfortable being around him and I don't allow him to interact with my sons. I too wrote a letter (though I never sent it) but there was alot of healing that took place just by doing that. In my case, I also understand that abuse is a learned behavior and I actually feel bad for him because he has not attempted anything to come to terms with whatever happened to him. Suffice it to say, I forgave him in my letter - but that doesn't mean that I'm still not uncomfortable in his presence or that I will let my guard down when my boys are around him. Because of that I don't see what me confronting him will do other than providing a platform for him to deny his part in the abuse and listen to him blame me for it. So, for now, I'm satisfied with my letter.

I don't know if this helps at all. God bless and welcome.

tjames


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#27294 - 05/01/02 09:19 AM Re: Confronting?
contender Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/17/01
Posts: 58
Loc: New York
I think you should first make sure that this is the same person.

Then if it is try talking to him alone and see how it goes.

If it doesn't work and you still want to confront him do it where no one sees you.


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#27295 - 05/07/02 01:15 PM Re: Confronting?
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
Tim,

Welcome to the forum, i just want to say that i really liked what you came up with on your own, i think it addresses your feelings and the issues at hand, i really like it a lot.

The only thing i would add would be a few well placed four letter words, hehe, but thats just me.

As far as compassion, let him find that somewhere else, I dont think you need to take care of his feelings at all in this situation.

Again, welcome, I am glad your here.

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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#27296 - 05/07/02 02:34 PM Re: Confronting?
getteddie Offline
Member

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
Tim,
In my case I think that I see one of my abusers every few months..I check it out and find that they aren't! I was given drugs and SA from 11 to 14 by 12 to 20+ older boys and men..which was caused to continue by my parents not stopping it and my father even watching at times. It all stopped at 14 when I bought a gun and started shooting the abusers..."See how the run -like pigs from a gun"! Sure they tried to kill me but I was lucky or just faster..and had the 6th sence that abused kids sometimes get...they all moved away...I do go around checking on them and asking the people who knew them...they are still gone! Your abuser sounds like he was a teacher-care provider...there is no time limits for this in my state...You can get the bitch busted!!!!!! Or, like John said don't tell anyone his name...Comfront him where there is no one around...the idea is to stop him from SA other boys...they never stop unless someone stops them!!!!!!!! I don't think that there is room enough for any SA abuser and their survivor to live in the same town!! Welcome Tim...sorry that we are not a "fun-party" group...I consider everyone here a good brave man...someone that you could ride the long trail with!!!!!

Eddie


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#27297 - 05/08/02 07:12 AM Re: Confronting?
Neil Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/00
Posts: 81
Loc: Millersville, MD, USA
TIM...... Welcome to the site. I think you will find this a safe and comfortable place to share your feelings. I wanted to pass along a quick word of caution. If you do confront your abuser please be prepared for a response that you may not like. In most cases the abuser will either deny that it was abuse or try and put the blame on you. If you're not ready for those responses then I would recommend you not confront him. That could cause a setback in your recovery process. Make sure you're strong enough and prepared for anything. Remember..... a confrontation is for you to say what you need to say no matter how your abuser reacts. I'm still trying to find my abuser. He moved out of state and so far I haven't had much luck. I'm prepared though. I've tried to go over, in my head, every thing he might say to me and how I would handle it. Your healing is the most important thing. Don't set yourself up for disappointment. I believe very strongly in confronting the abusers........... just make sure you're ready. Take special care of YOU and again........ welcome.


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