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#272773 - 01/26/09 09:23 PM New members thoughts feelings. May trigger.
timothyrecovery1 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/19/09
Posts: 31
Loc: Pennsylvania
I swear that becoming a member of this group is key to my recovery. I am talking as much as possibble and have been trying to expose sick but exciting feelings. I have read and related to many of the stories etx. The site so far has been like a double edge sword. It feels good to know that I am not the only one with these feelings. Some of the stories actually excited me. I also am freaked out and depressed. I am so up and down. One thing is that I have not had any more dreams of preforming oral sex on children mostly boys since I joined. I do have a love of children that cannot be explained. I love children so much which makes me sick of the udescribable feelings toward them. I would never think of acting out. This is all in my mind but it makes me feel sick to my stomach and like a pervert. I would appreciate your thoughts. I do believe that God has brought me to this site.

_________________________
Timothyrecovery

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#272777 - 01/26/09 09:51 PM Re: New members thoughts feelings. May trigger. [Re: timothyrecovery1]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Hey friend,

In all kindness I say to you that if you do not yet have a therapist - then get one! Now!

You are having very dangerous & confused feelings toward children that MS and its fellowship cannot keep from acting out upon.

I am certain that at least most us here believe you when you say that you have no intention of acting out with children - most perps start out where you are are now. The more familiar you become with the pictures in your head (fantasies) the more you will feel the need to escalate your feelings of excitement.

Please don't misunderstand what I am saying to you, I am not calling you a pervert. What I am saying is that by your own admission, you are on a very slippery slope.

Consult the home page here at MS for a qualified therapist in your area - please don't wait until you have harmed a child and find yourself in jail.

Your desires will not go away through the fellowship you find at MS.

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#272779 - 01/26/09 10:11 PM Re: New members thoughts feelings. May trigger. [Re: joelRT]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Tim,

I really appreciate your honesty in regards to your feelings and thoughts. It takes alot of courage to be so open with these things.
Also glad how helpful coming to this site is for you. But there are times and issues in our recovery when we need to look for more professional help. I too believe as Joel does that you are now at this crossroads.
I feel with a therapist and M/S you will find progress in your recovery happening at a greater pace. Most if not all of us from time to time seek such help with difficult issues.

Best Wishs.

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#272822 - 01/27/09 02:00 AM Re: New members thoughts feelings. May trigger. [Re: michael banks]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2439
Loc: TEXAS
Hi Tim,

I'll add my dittos to above.
Please get yourself professional help now.
You still have my compassion, understanding and love.
Heal well, Tim.
Heal well my brothers/friends.
Pete (Irishmoose)

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#272853 - 01/27/09 08:54 AM Re: New members thoughts feelings. May trigger. [Re: timothyrecovery1]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
hi timothy! good to hear from you again, and i am so sorry to know that you are living with this fear of perpetrating. it is a tremendous weight to carry all on your own. i hope you still have a therapist; most likely without any support system to help you navigate a healing path, there will be little hope for success. so says i sleep

my older brother began abusing me at around the age of 13ish and since i felt so alone and isolated emotionally in my years prior to that, his attention became the most important event of my life. imagine that! 13 years worth of days, hours and minutes, uncountable experiences, and that the years of being his 'concubine' eclipsed every single joy that i had ever known in the gamut of my perceptual repertoire up to that point. sad sad sad truth.

but, it left me with something that i could not shake for about 20 years. it glued me to that moment, because it met all the needs i had for 13 years that had not gotten met; the rejection and abandonment of my parents due to circumstances beyond their ken to remedy, being a gay child in a culture which had no clue how to validate essentially, full of deeply hidden fear and self-loathing.

until i got into therapy and 12 step groups in my early 30's i was stuck on pause, like you are now, always wanting to relive the situation that brought me so much comfort; but i could only do that in my fantasy world. my older brother had since died, but not before he rejected our relationship, leaving me like an abandoned dog on the side of the road. i was stuck with the broken dreams and fantasies of a 13 year old who had been tremendously psychologically and emotionally damaged. all i wanted to do was recapture the comfort and safety of a point in time, a set a circumstances that seemed to give me the deepest sense and source of nurture.

i have the sneaking suspicion that you don't have much of a recovery pre>
_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#272862 - 01/27/09 10:08 AM Re: New members thoughts feelings. May trigger. [Re: timothyrecovery1]
ttoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 977
Tim,


While attending a seminar on dreams, the speaker suggested that having sex with someone in a dream suggested that there was something that we "wanted" from that person. A physical or personality attribute, perhaps. Sometimes it could be less subtle and simply be the guy next door's lawn tractor. laugh

Dreams are dreams and interpretating them is subjective, at best. And, your honesty by throwing it out there in a community of survivors is certainly refreshing. If not a bit unsettling, I would imagine, to some.

Since you've stated that the dreams have not returned since being on the site and, if our speaker is remotely right, it might be that the expression of what is going on for you has helped. If your interpretation of being a child is that they are able to express what they are feeling openly and honestly, in a healthy environment, that would certainly make sense.

Men, in a general sort of way, tend to be goal oriented, I think. As in, "See it, want it and or do it." A very high percentage of the posts on the site include difficulties with "acting out," and is a valid concern by many. Our histories include being sexualized and our boundaries have been grievously violated.

I would offer that a therapist would most certainly help to sort it out. Together, you can find some level of resolve with what is going on, perhaps find some peace with it.

Thank you for you post, Tim!

laugh

Dave

_________________________
checkin out for a few weeks... whistle
02/07/09

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