I been reading some of the posts and keep going to another tab because of a mix of triggers and relating.
In August 1997 I entered a SLAA meeting for the first time and did not find a room of trench coats and the swill of society but found men and woman like myself.
I started therapy that same month and told someone for the first time I was sexually abused. I self Injure, I can not stop myself from acting out sexually. That plus even thou I am a leader and well like by many at work if I were to see the same people in a social setting I am terrified.
My name is Joe and I am a married man with two adult daughters. My sexual activities are heterosexual but in SLAA I have learned that does not matter much. Acting out is acting out. Alone with a pro or in a public park men or woman it does not really matter.
My most difficult feeling is being abandoned. This feeling alone provides the drive for many of my issues.
My father died when I was 5 years old
My brother Steve was taken away the day of my dads funeral to live with my fathers brother
My sister Linda was involved with my brother Steve being taken away
My mom just let it happen
I never say my father, Steve and Linda again.
Linda is still alive and when I contacted her to ask where I could find my brother Steve to reunite I was told Steve Died.
Linda is still alive and my hatred for her has significantly lessened but I have no desire to ever see her. Linda was only 18 at the time and had just lost her father. She was close to her mother and felt her Father cheated with my mom while her mom was dying. My mom was pregnant with me while her mom was still alive. Once Linda and Steve's mom died they were moved from NY to live with us. I can understand her feelings toward my mom and had seen it. Steve on the other hand would play with me a lot and I miss him.
I have another sister and brother who lived at home with us. They were the mom's children from her first marriage. Their father abandoned them when they were 3 and 1. My sister Chris was married at 18 a year after my father died but is probably my closest sibling as she has remained in my life even if it was infrequent. We would see her a couple times a year. My brother Dave moved in with his boyfriend shortly after my sister married and he too is still around but mostly I never saw him. A funny and a sad thing with these too siblings was all of us are in our first committed relationships still. from almost 40 years to myself 22 years. Also each of us had been sexually abused at various points in each of our lives as children.
Today I have no real friends that are not work friends only. Not anyone to call, hang out with, do stuff with. Even when I had one as an adult I did not work to keep things going as I seemed to be making the only effort to get together. The other friend I did have when I went into recovery would never call me. I did all of the calling thou mostly to whine about cravings and self hatred that lessened over time. I finally decided that if my friend did not want to make the effort to contact me sometimes she was not a friend really and I deserved better. No one was better then someone who did not appear to me to even want to be my friend by reaching out to me sometime or want to do anything with me.
I have placed many labels upon myself and I and going to challenge each of these in the workplace.
I have labeled myself a Sex Addict. Am I?
I have labeled myself a perv Am I?
I have labeled myself a Good Father Am I
I have labeled myself a Great computer guy Am I?
I have labeled myself unlovable if people knew me Am I?
I have labeled myself bad Am I?
I have labeled myself ugly Am I?
When I was in the 7th grade I had a friend a few years older then me. One night we were hanging out at his sisters house when he gave me some porn and he had a few beers there. I never drank a whole beer before but I had almost three that night. At that point things got weird with him. Bullying me. Threatening me with the fact his uncle was cop and that If I did not do as he said I would be arrested and his uncle would listen to him not me. I was lead into the bed room and he started touching me then oraled me. I was dizzy and laying there as he did that but he stopped and forced me to do the same to him. This was the beginning of what lasted almost a year. I was groomed by him I see now leading up to this. It ended when he attempted to do the same to another boy while I was present like the obedient pussy I became. That boy said know and freaked out and something changed in me. I learned that no was a choice and there was nothing he could do. While the Self Injury predated this time it got way worse during and afterward. That was also the last time I allowed a male to do anything to me again. Only once feeling abandoned and desperate In my head I was preparing myself if that was demanded of me to do what was necessary not to be abandoned but that guy was a real friend of mine and never asked anything of me sexually.
Years later I learned an assistant scout master in the troop was caught and pleaded guilty as a pedophile after an incident with another of the boys.
I have to stop at this point as I have 2 weeks without acting out behaviours and want to keep it that way.