troy, so sorry you find yourself in this place of misery. but isn't it ironic that we can be empty and full at the same time? full of emptiness? painful as it is, and empty as it is, it is still pregnant with possibility. sometimes that awful empty silence inside screams to be embraced. it's like hugging a leper.
as gay survivors we have a unique set of challenges, and often it's hard to find the understanding and commiseration that is needed to assuage our pain. but, some things are beyond comprehension, and need to be experienced in the realm of feeling, a language prior to thought concepts.
crying is good, blocking out the world is valid temporary vacation from the issues that give us grief. sometimes we need to 'go there' and be with that pain. whoever said life was supposed to be painless anyway?
honor your process without apology; feel the feelings then get back on the horse and ride.
i am glad you shared your moment of suffering. please know that you are not alone.
with hope for your brighter today,