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#272231 - 01/21/09 08:08 PM What happens when God isn't enough?
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
I don't ever have the expected reaction to all the things in the Bible. Jesus died for my sins and I can accept that point blank... pretty simple concept to me but it's like okay what else? What happened to Jesus and what was done to Him doesn't fill me with hope or faith. I don't see how what He went through trumps the things that I went through and have to go through now. Nobody knows what to tell me other than the text book answers and those answers don't have any influence over me.

Since God don't seem to appear in my life I get all of the residual effects, the judgement of people, the destruction of what little faith I do have, blame, questioning my salvation, etc. I don't care much about heaven or rewards and the other beni's and not really scared of hell. Heaven sounds great but if hell's where I get sent after this mess of a life then God's plainly hated me. I already know what it means by weeping and nashing of teeth.... where the worm does not die and thirst never quenched. I've spent my whole life separated from God by His choice. I ask all the right questions, at church multiple times a week, study, pray, everything, but in the end I am alone and the torture continues.

I can't say honestly that God's done anything to have me believe in Him, I really should hate Him for my life. I guess I take credit for having any kind of faith too. I was taught that I was evil, God's hate for me, and plenty of other bad stuff. Now all of what is said and what is taught just feeds into that more and more.

Sometimes it's like there are clauses... He'll never leave or forsake me? I make that out to be true only if He was never with me in the first place... otherwise it's a lie. God's not supposed to lie so then I'm just evil. Like there are only so many degrees of separation to find that I am hated and abandoned. I'm sure paying for a number of others sins so where does Jesus really fit within my life? I never get any closer and He just gets further away.

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

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#272232 - 01/21/09 08:28 PM Re: What happens when God isn't enough? [Re: usmc97]
nathan555 Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 230
Loc: Australia
usmc
I was painfully sexualy abused at the age of two
I asure you what I am about to say is not religuos platitudes
but how Jesus is healing my catastrophic memories

you may have heard the song "He took my place, a people undesirving"

man from the debths of my heart
Ifelt God giving me permission to hear
"He took my pain"

time and time again I felt my pain and felt He took my pain as He endured His pain

I cried
I creid
and I cried

time and time agaiin as He shows me His pain
I see as the nail pierced His hand
I felt the piercing pain I was subjects to when i was raped
yes I said raped and I was two

you know what came to my mind when my experience of rape surfaced?

I thanked God for the love of my grandmother who looved god with all her heart
I remembered singing in Sunday Schol
"Jesus loves me"

yes me (crying)

shit - me

I understand the pain of men who feel abondoned by God
or who were abused in a Church
(I was once sexually harassed in a church so I undestand shit)

I too have heard empty words from well meaning Christians
well meaning caring Pastors

but man

Jesus suffering was for me
and may I speak out of my pain
Jesus suffered for you

I pray according to Isaiah 61
may He heal your broken heart as He is mine

I am still walking this journey
and you see from my posts I am not perfect
and I work through my shit

but by God's grace
dam it I aint giving up

Nathan 5

_________________________
5 depending on God's grace gives hope
6 my dark side , my hurt inner being my struggle
8 looking to the day of overcomming

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#272251 - 01/22/09 01:29 AM Re: What happens when God isn't enough? [Re: nathan555]
1love4christ Offline


Registered: 12/18/08
Posts: 46
Loc: ca, usa
I hurt for your pain and confusion. I experience this at times and have had help recently about it. The author in his book called, "The Wounded Heart: Hope for adult victims of childhood sexual abuse," by the name of Dr. Dan B. Allender said it very clearly to bring light to the issue that many suffer from. You my friend are courageous for admitting to your feelings. Trust me when I tell you that many feel the same way but deny their feelings.

"Change is always a process. This truth cannot be over-emphasized. Many abuse victims feel their progress of change is taking too long. The assumption is that if god is involved, then the process will be brief and not too messy. If that were true, then why did God take forty years to teach moses humility and leadership skills in the sheep fields of Midian? Deep healing, super natural change, may take years of struggle, trial-an-error learning, and growing in strength to make the next significant move of faith. No one ought to judge another's growth timetable.

what surprises can an abused person expect if he or she chooses to cooperate with God's supernatural work? The process involves the surprising route of weakness, brokenness, poverty, and death. these words are apt to alienate, disgust, or frighten the honest person. the man or woman who has been abused already feels weak and broken (powerless), poor (powerless and betrayed), and dead (powerless, betrayed , and ambivalent). The thought that the cure is worse than the disease, or at least as bad make the prospect of a spiritual route seem totally undersirable." Pg 190

"what if trusting god and surrendering our all to him seems like the mockery to end all mockeries? First we need to consider again what is and is not biblical trust. most assume that trust is quiet, serene, selfless dependence on god. though there is an element of truth to that view of trust, more ofthen than not usch serene faith is a byproduct of wanting very little from god. it is frighteningly easy to appear trusting when in fact one is simply dead (in denial of the wounds, hunger, or struggle of the heart).

GENUINE TRUST INVOLVES ALLOWING ANOTHER TO MATTER AND HAVE AN IMPACT IN OUR LIVES. FOR THAT REASON, MANY WHO HATE AND DO BATTLE WITH GOD TRUST HIM MORE DEEPLY THAN THOSE WHOSE COMPLACENT FAITH PERMITS AN ABSTRACT AND MOTIONLESS STANCE BEFORE HIM.THOSE WHO TRUST GOD MOST ARE THOSE WHOSE FAITH PERMITS THEM TO RISK WRESTLING WITH HIM OVER THE DEEPEST QUESTIONS OF LIFE. GOOD HEARTS ARE CAPTURED IN A DIVINE WRESTLING MATCH; FEARFUL DOUBTING HEARTS STAY CLEAR OF THE MAT.

the wonder of the gospel that ultimately captures the wounded heart is that in spite of our hatred and rebellion toward god, christ died for us, and HIS SPIRIT PURSUES US TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH. HIS FAITHFUL PURSUIT IS NOT STYMIED BY OUR HATRED OR AMBIVALENCE, OUR LACK OF FAITH, OR OUR REFUSAL TO TRUST. IN FACT, HIS STEPS DOGGEDLY PURSUE EVEN WHEN WE ASSUME WE ARE MOST INCAPABLE OF RECIEVING OR EVEN DISIRING GRACE. at times his penchant to pursue in the present invokes even greater hatred than did his silence or inactivity in the midst of the past abuse: "why won't he just leave me alone?" pg. 191-192

I share this with you to let you know this, jesus still loves you and accepts you. he honors your pain and is grateful that you bring it to the light by admitting to it and acknowledging that something is wrong. there is people who can't even do this and remain in the dark. i've been sexually abused and knew everyone on earth let me down, but i gave god a chance even after blaming him. I knew he was just full of love and that by blaming him, i could have someone to point the finger, trust somebody who could really understand my feelings. and i say the same to you, go to jesus in your brokenness and hatefulness.

your post touched me and reminds me of myself. thanks for sharing, i hope we can rejoice and wipe away the tears.



Edited by 1love4christ (01/22/09 01:30 AM)
_________________________
nestor

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#272259 - 01/22/09 02:26 AM Re: What happens when God isn't enough? [Re: 1love4christ]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
I don't have reason to trust or believe that God has any love for me. I don't hate God, if anything He hates me for what reason nobody seems to know. I am sentenced to be raped and tortured multiple times a week for as long as I still breathe, not figuratively. Somehow I'm supposed to interpret that as God's love?

Jesus' sacrifice says nothing to what I have to go through... that is a big part of the problem. I'm supposed to be guilt ridden and thankful for how degrading and extreme his suffering was and I'm not. What he went through doesn't seem so much to me especially with Him being God, it being voluntary, and it only lasting for as long as it did for Him. He had a whole lot more than I ever did and He only sampled a life like mine.

A lot of what you quote from that book involves blame, that's the kind of stuff that I was talking about. There is nothing that I have done to make or keep me in the hands of those who hurt me.

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

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#272262 - 01/22/09 06:25 AM Re: What happens when God isn't enough? [Re: usmc97]
nathan555 Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 230
Loc: Australia
usmc
Sorry you are being raped - being raped - have you considered changing your situation - escaping

I am deeply sorry I triggered feeling of guilt.

shit no

be assured nothing was meant to reflect guilt

just His identification with our suffering
because He unconditionally loves us who were abused due to no fault of our own

I am truely sorry

Nathan


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#272280 - 01/22/09 11:03 AM Re: What happens when God isn't enough? [Re: nathan555]
wes-b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 438
Loc: Western, Canada

Brother usmc97...

It is my heartfelt desire that you find your path the peace, harmony, serenity and joy. I can relate to your quandary and the anger and frustration that I see in your posts.

Your presence and posting is a support to me.

May each day give you another piece of the puzzle that is life.

your brother, Wes

_________________________
Happy to be a recovering survivor. :-)

Continuing to meet more of my fellows as I "Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny".

My Story, 1st pass

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#272380 - 01/23/09 11:21 AM Re: What happens when God isn't enough? [Re: wes-b]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
Why does it get assumed that I am angry or in denial of something? I am not angry at God, I am confused. The one thing that is supposed to be flawless seems to do nothing but counter my existance and license people to blame me. The Bible is not supposed to be a weopon to make me feel worse and worse.

It's ment to give hope and show how God loves you. It don't do that with me and I don't understand why other than the things that I was taught. None of the things I was taught are supposed to be true but everything seems to support them. How can God be on their side? I spend everyday trying to understand.

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

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#272382 - 01/23/09 11:30 AM Re: What happens when God isn't enough? [Re: usmc97]
nathan555 Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 230
Loc: Australia
The Bible tells how like ought to be
but shit happens
the world deals out many blows

As I continue in my Christian journey
I get the condemnation and intimidation out of my head
it came from people messing with my head
putting me on THEIR guilt trip.

When God shows me a sin I confess and He releases me from its hold on me

I find this liberating

When I feel traped, condemned, etc I am seeing more and more it's not God or the Bible at all

man read my stuff
I am a broken man
flawed
doing stuff I ought not

but I am becoming free

5 is the Biblical number for grace

man I am depending on God's grace
I recommend it

I do not blame you

I release you to live life

and enjoy God's presence

Nathan

hey sometime I do hide in the dark

He comes and gently leads me out into the light
I do not fear with Him

_________________________
5 depending on God's grace gives hope
6 my dark side , my hurt inner being my struggle
8 looking to the day of overcomming

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#272437 - 01/24/09 01:58 AM Re: What happens when God isn't enough? [Re: nathan555]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
I don't get love, grace, or mercy in what I have to go through. There's no purpose in what happened to me or what happens to me. The stuff that I go through is ungodly by every means, I don't stop getting hurt and nobody understands what it is or how to stop it.

Being considered a Christian, I'm supposed to see God in some form of a good light. Truth is I don't... I just don't get any comfort from God. It makes it out for folks to just question if I am "saved".

Jesus went through a lot but he didn't go through the torture and degradation that I did and He also didn't go through what I have to go through now. That's supposed to be some form of blasphemy. That's where things are screwed, I only see His purpose of conquering sin and redemption through him. God's sacrifice of Jesus gives me very little if anything. Sin's taken care of but what of everything else?

I believe in God because I want to, I really don't have a reason to believe except for that one of these days He'd turn out to be who He says He is.

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

Top
#272446 - 01/24/09 08:51 AM Re: What happens when God isn't enough? [Re: usmc97]
Derdlecar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1314
Loc: Ogden Utah, USA
The god I learned about as a child is a lie. He does not exist and never did. The God I know today is quit a different story.

What I'm suggesting usmc is that maybe it is time to scrap everything you know about God and start over.

Just a thought.

Love ya
Darrel

_________________________
If a man would get his life on track, he must first go back to the place where it was derailed.

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