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#272354 - 01/23/09 02:06 AM CSA effects on sexual identity
myshoeisonfire Offline


Registered: 06/25/08
Posts: 17
Loc: Portland, OR
Does anyone have any insight on this? has there been any link between CSA, and people having a same sex attraction? This is a devistating thought as I am realizing it definatly could be true in my situation. Parents, Friends, Nobody Could possibly understand what this is like! how can it be discussed, when mentioning it will get you thrown under the bus!?!

I guess im wondering if theres anyone else out there that feels their CSA may have had an impact on them having an attraction to the same sex... or somehow had an effect on sexual orientation all together!
I want to place blame on the person who did this to me, but I dont know! im pretty sure i would not have this attraction if it wernt for the CSA
any thoughts?


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#272355 - 01/23/09 02:31 AM Re: CSA effects on sexual identity [Re: myshoeisonfire]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6815
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: myshoeisonfire
im wondering if theres anyone else out there that feels their CSA may have had an impact on them having an attraction to the same sex... or somehow had an effect on sexual orientation all together!


It is true for me. I had a crush on a boy in high school. I started the recovery process years later. I had a lot of counseling, and EMDR. Then I found that the boy was a look-alike of my perp when I was 10 years old. I was projecting feelings on to him from my own abuse. His abuse of me had left that kind of a scar in my brain.

Now after all this counseling and EMDR I find I am being attracted to the female form and appearance. I never thought it would happen, but it did.

Allen

pufferfish whistle


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#272358 - 01/23/09 04:17 AM Re: CSA effects on sexual identity [Re: pufferfish]
behindthewall Offline


Registered: 07/28/08
Posts: 126
Loc: US
I'm bi. My family is gererational satanic cult practioners, so I was abused pretty much since birth sexually..physically.

I find that the men I am attracted to are ones like what I experienced in childhood. My sexual preferences are extreme (bdsm, get off on pain and such). I like guys that dominate. With females tho, its not the same. I dont like dominate females, nor do I want to dominate them. With them, I want it on equal ground I guess.

I don't think I'd be like this if it wasn't for the abuse I went through as a kid. For me I think it had an impact, not sayin thats true for everyone tho.


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#272368 - 01/23/09 09:16 AM Re: CSA effects on sexual identity [Re: behindthewall]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
I have had the opposite effect. I am gay by orientation, but my early sexual abuse and the guilt and shame that was placed on me made my attraction to men repulsive to me. I found that sex with a woman was not triggering in the same way, but my attraction was only emotional. I love my wife as a wonderful friend - a person that shares my goals and ideals. A person I like spending time with. But the sex was always "fine".

After 2 years of intense work, I now identify as gay and am in a wonderful relationship with a great man - but my abuse caused so much confusion, I am just discovering who I am.

I think the affects of sexual abuse are profound in all areas of our lives. I think there are many men who are confused about their orientation - but I think working on my issues from the abuse... ALL the issues, not just the sexual identity ones, lead me to have a clearer understanding of who I am sexually.

I think you will find a lot of guys in the same boat, some that will end up identifying as straight, some gay, and some bi - but for me, I needed to accept myself as a PERSON before I could move on the finer points of who that person is.

Welcome to the site - I have found that you can get a lot of support here no matter what. There is no judgement here.. just good guys who understand.

Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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#272381 - 01/23/09 11:23 AM Re: CSA effects on sexual identity [Re: dannym]
wes-b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 438
Loc: Western, Canada
Ye of the burning shoe, my brother :-)

there is certainly a link... many of us have suffered the affects of this. For me it was a great relief when I learned that the confusion I had had it's roots in my being sexually abused... there was still some work to connect with my true orientation; it is good, very good. One source is Joe Kort, and his website straitguise which is dedicated to this subject. Peruse MS and you will find many resources, links and pointers on this subject and more... Being an incest survivor I know that these aberrant experiences wounded my sexuality deeply, and confusion about my orientation was only part of it...

Stick around my brother, and as my dear bother Pete(IrishMoose) says "heal well".

Love from the frozen north, Wes



Edited by wes-b (01/23/09 11:24 AM)
_________________________
Happy to be a recovering survivor. :-)

Continuing to meet more of my fellows as I "Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny".

My Story, 1st pass

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#272383 - 01/23/09 11:40 AM Re: CSA effects on sexual identity [Re: wes-b]
kb4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/20/09
Posts: 43
Loc: Saskatchewan,Canada
I too experienced the confusion.As As I would come closer to other men, Alarms would go off and I would be confused about the feelings.I realize now it was the csa.For this reason although I have lots of freinds I have few close ones.I now know why I missed alot of good people along the way and I regret that becuase of csa.


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#272406 - 01/23/09 07:05 PM Re: CSA effects on sexual identity [Re: kb4]
myshoeisonfire Offline


Registered: 06/25/08
Posts: 17
Loc: Portland, OR
The CSA for me happened when i was about 7 or 8 years old, too early for me to remeber any sort of sexual orientation, plus thats an early age - I dont think most kids understand what thats all about at that point anyways. There is definatly an attraction to the male figure though, and im almost positive its a direct result of the CSA. There have been far more times that I have been out in public, and the sight of a certian male figure cast its attraction powers over me, than the same for women. Most of my friends kinda wonder whats up with me - they may not say anything, but I can tell. Never had a girlfriend, and am usually totally oblivious to any flirting that girls try on me. "So hey - no girlfriend yet?( and in jest) whats the matter, you GAY?" I know they arent meaning anything by that, just something people tend to joke about in my experience, but to me, those comments have an effect on my mental state.. they start me thinking about my situation, and my ongoing quest for finding out who I am, and what I identify with sexually.

I am not sexually active, nor have ever been - (other than the CSA - but i dont count that... or should I?) Also, eventually when I end up in some sort of situation that begs for sexual acitvity, I dont know how ill respond! I feel like I would immediatly jump back to the CSA in my mind, and its unclear at this point if it would cloud my mind in such a way as to prohibit me from engauging in any sort of sexual activity...

Basically I feel like I have been robbed of a dating life, and also robbed of "normal" sexual-id development as well. I have just plain never been interested in women, or in having any sort of relationship beyond just a good friend!

problem is - the drive is definatly there! there's no escaping from that!! I feel like a 16 year old,(from what im told) and its all I can think about! its crazy!

...these are just things constantly going thru my mind!

I was also on medication all thru middle, and high school, and there is a large block of 6-7 years I DONT REMEMBER AT ALL!

I am seeing a therapist on a regular basis... but as we all know, its a LONG process.

when I first came to the realization in therapy that I was in fact VERY attracted to the male form, and accepted that, it explained a log of things. but at the same time, that was the worst week of my life. SO many questions raging thru my head. I have a religious christian upbringing, and all the associated thoughts relating to this.. "why would god have this happen" "if we were designed in such a way as to allow this to happen, maybe its not wrong!" I felt inferior, and I felt like I was of no use. I had become the very thing that is the representation all evil! for a short time, I felt I was not needed anymore in this life! I never had thoughts of suicide, but thats just me. I quickly realized I needed to get a handle on this - QUICK!!

I systematically looked at everything in my brain at that moment.. ok - Gay = sin (from my church) god knows this happened to me. God knows i didnt deserve it. God also knows the desires it left with me. then in a split second - it hit me.. DAMMIT EVERYONG ELSE IS WRONG!! ALL OF THEM!!

I settled on the fact of my belief, that god knows everything, and designed everything. I dont beleve he is responsible for everything that happens, and there are a lot of people that credit god for a lot of good, and bad things that happen. but I believe he setup everything the way it is, and we are free to do whatever we want.

God is not wrong! .

Think of it this way... we were all designed how we are, and If a child being abused by another man, leaves that child with a sexual desire for men, than thats the way we were designed! Its not my fault the abuse happened, and im not going to say my resulting sexual desires are a bad thing.
The churches I have been to would say well... any DESIRE for another man, is a sin. but wait a minute... god made us this way...
so who is wrong here? i sure know who isnt wrong!

I have gotten my peace in all of this from knowing that we were designed in such a way as to allow an infinate number of things to happen as they will. We can be manipulated in a number of ways, right or wrong, but our "programming" is still the same. I was manipulated. My programming hasnt changed. still the same person / body. god knew that when we were made, there were an infinate number of things we could do, and participate in, and have done to us - all with varying results, and long term effects. To say that my attraction to men is wrong, is to say that god gave us inferior programming. There are a lot of different things I could do with my urges... but whats right, or wrong, is how I deal with them. just as I would deal with anything else. anger, fustration, joy, ect...

So thats whats going on in my head, and how I rationalized my male attraction.

thats no end though! ive got a LOT of go thru still!

people are noticing that im not "normal" in such a way as to check out the ladies as they pass by, and a few of my friends are married and having kids! and a few poeple have cought me in a hypnotic trance, staring at giant posters on the walls in the mens underwear department! I am good at making excuses up on the spot... but im tired of this!!

I'm only 28!

Whats a good sexual outlet??? im soooooooo fustrated!!!!!


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#272418 - 01/23/09 10:41 PM Re: CSA effects on sexual identity [Re: myshoeisonfire]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 858
Loc: washington
Myshuisonfyre,

A link? Absolutely...!!!

I am sexually attracted to females, yet I believe I am physically attracted to having sex with males.

Am I making any sense?...or does this sound confusing? Right about now your probably wondering what my sexual orientation is.
Starting to get confused myself... Somedays I feel certain, other times I feel a coin toss might be more appropriate...

If I were to contribute or add insight to this missing link is that it has caused deffinite great personal confusion.

I visualize a short curcuit corresponding to my CSA (between the ages of 6 and 7 years old).

I have also come to a point in my life, where I am comfortable, not knowing all the answers, and am not comfortable listening to any organization or body that claims to have/has or knows all the answers.

I feel, each relationship is special and unique as the next. It is not good for my sanity to future trip or back track.

...So where will I end up? I have no idea. I guess I'll just cross that bridge when I come to it...and if there is a fork in the road...I'm looking for something to eat...!!!


island

p.s. If you don't own a washing machine...

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#272439 - 01/24/09 02:15 AM Re: CSA effects on sexual identity [Re: 1islandboy]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Hi all, Ok my 2 Euro cents worth. (2 Euro cents are worth more than 2 US cents).

Any one who has read any of my posts since the 1st of this year will understand me and my (then) confusion.Over sexual idenity.
However I am no longer confused, ta da after only 69 years on earth, see it is never too late for an old dog (me) to learn something new about himself.

Now (and I'm sure to get some ire from others on this statement) I don't give a damn what ever the churches teach about homosexuality or any other form of sexuality, be it masturbation, be it having sex male to male or female to female, as long as it is between 2 loving and consenting adults. Be it being legally same sex marriage or living in a loving and emotional union together.

And I sure don't give a damn on what society thinks about my lifestyle either. If I choose to love and share an emotional life with another male. Thats me.

If I am condemmed to hell, well that's ok too. Because in my (humble) opinion we boys whom were sexually, emotionally, physically and mentally abused. This is our HELL right here on earth. Nuff said.
Heal well my brothers/friends.
Pete (Irishmoose)

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#273288 - 01/30/09 04:54 PM Re: CSA effects on sexual identity [Re: petercorbett]
brother2none Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/30/09
Posts: 262
Loc: Undisclosed
I have struggled with almost everything already said before me here. This topic os precisely what I was looking to explore.

I'd like to offer my take: I am attracted to both women and men. For much of my adult life I wanted to know what the impact of being sexually abused was on my orientation and today I believe that it didn't influence my attraction. I'm feeling that I was always bi.


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