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#272324 - 01/22/09 10:46 PM Not so much identity as a general sexuality ??
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 303
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
Before I start, this could be triggering to some people.




Alright, so I had been thinking about this the other day and it made me wonder. I remember back a few years ago this girl who was my girlfriend at the time and I were having sex for like the second time. We had lost our virginities to each other. I remember I was really excited about the whole thing, and for a while we were just doing a lot kissing etc., and she commented that I was shaking. Sure enough I realized I was shaking all over, and not just a little bit, a lot. Although my abuse was certainly coercive, I never remember it being violent, but would it make me shake years later out of some fear or body memory? On top of that, for a 21 year old I've notice that I chase after people for sex FAR less than all of peers, in fact there are some times when I downright avoid it, and I don't really know what to make of that. Any thoughts?


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#272336 - 01/22/09 11:47 PM Re: Not so much identity as a general sexuality ?? [Re: AndyS87]
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Hey Andy,

My awareness during sex has allowed me to identify the shaking as well, at first I thought it was muscle twitches but as I continued I saw it was much more than that. You have just introduced the concept of body memory to me and now I can clearly see the link. Being sexualized at a young age does have this effect and we are hard wired to process these feelings in a variety of ways. The intense sensations felt during sex can definitely trigger body memories.

As far as pursuing sex, there are many factors that determine one's sex drive and when you throw in CSA it complicates the situation even further. I don't know the specifics of your situation but I can tell you that for me sex has taken second place to my recovery. I feel I need to heal the wounds of the past in order to recover a healthy sex life. It's not easy by any means but a necessary step in my journey. I can safely say that sex drive and a healthy sex life will be the last step in my recovery. Sex for us has been twisted and convoluted, it's not a surprise that it takes center stage in our road to recovery.

_________________________
I am the warrior.

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#272342 - 01/23/09 12:22 AM Re: Not so much identity as a general sexuality ?? [Re: Letourski]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1971
Andy,

I remembered the abuse stuff at the end of my freshman year in college. That next year I actually was sexual with a few girls that I liked and found attractive; I was able to repress enough of what I remembered to still be outgoing like that. Unfortunately for me I slipped into a depression again and then tried to escape it in a manic fashion and then got depressed again (not true manic depression; just an attempt at escape - realization I can't escape cycle I was caught up in). Anyway, I think I sort of scared people off and I was much more screwed up inside. It was not that I didn't have sexual feelings, I was just too afraid and scared of intimacy and what was going on in my head. I certainly know the avoiding thing; I had some opportunities after all this that I ignored because I was scared of intimacy and full of fears.

Just keep dealing with things and stay open and honest. You are still young and facing this now is a good thing. I certainly don't see anything wrong with you in regards to this. Seems normal to me for anyone who had their notions of intimacy messed up at a young age. The more you face things and deal with stuff, the easier it should be for you to just be yourself and at that point things will seem much more natural. It took me a longer time to get to the point of dealing with this stuff (not that I didn't try to reach out once at 23 but was silenced!!), so it seems it is a lot more work involved. But I am trying to regain a healthy sense of sexuality myself.

Eric


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#272376 - 01/23/09 10:41 AM Re: Not so much identity as a general sexuality ?? [Re: ericc]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 303
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
Thanks a bunch guys!


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#274471 - 02/08/09 03:08 PM Re: Not so much identity as a general sexuality ?? [Re: AndyS87]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Andy,

When I am intensy arousal during sex I too will shake.
I thought it was just it was part of being arousal. There were no ill effects from it in fact I enjoy it so does my wife. To me no big deal.

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#274491 - 02/08/09 05:50 PM Re: Not so much identity as a general sexuality ?? [Re: michael banks]
Barney Offline


Registered: 07/31/06
Posts: 236
Loc: Southern Utah/Northern Arizon
I have experienced shaking when I was about to become involved in sex with a man, which happens very infrequently. The thought, anticipation, excitement has been intense and led to the shaking. Not the same when experiencing normal sexual activity.

Who knows why.


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#274508 - 02/08/09 08:53 PM Re: Not so much identity as a general sexuality ?? [Re: Barney]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 862
Loc: washington
I had an incident (that I believe I posted on a while back)

My partner at the time was biting me around the neck region, and she checked in with me and asked, "Are you o.k. and do you want me to stop."

...The answer is probably pretty obvious, as it was a full body type of intense.

I look at this as, a reclaiming my sexuality in a healthy...be it perhaps in a bizarre direction.


I feel the Earth Move (Martika)


island



_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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