Let me be as gentle as I know how to be - D'ya need to be hit with a brick
OK, sorry, I'll be serious. You and this woman are not meant to be. All the signs that this relationship is not for you right now are staring right at you. Certainly, you can continue to pursue this and, yes, you can make it happen too. That doesn't mean that it's right for you. From the way you describe things, there is no flow, no fluidity - just rocks and crags and brambles.
Are you not, subconciously, using this woman so as to prouve to yourself your heterosexuality? You certainly wouldn't be the first man to do such a thing, which is why I ask.
every time I try entering a relationship with this woman I feel vulnerable and beat down. Having sex seems to completely demoralize me until eventually I want to hide, I have no motivation
This should tell you everything that you need to hear.
On the Gay thing. Gay is not about sex. Gay is all
of the aspects that make up a hetero relationship, and sex just being one of those aspects.
So here's my question: Can you picture yourself setting up house with a man? All sex aside, can you see yourself making a comitment to the right guy and honoring that comitment? Sorry, that was two questions.
Now here's the part that you're not gonna like. Finally laying to rest or, if you will, sorting out the issues around our sexuality is accomplished in end stage recovery. We, formerly abused boys, are hyper-sexualized and it becomes 'our normal' to relate everything back to sex.
However, there are so many more important issues to address firstly. The reason, I believe, that the issues surrounding our sexuality as well as discovering healthy sexuality are dealt with in end stage recovery is that this is the least important of the issues we have to deal with. Not unimportant, just way down there on the list..............
Geez, man, I'm sorry - I wish that I could be more upbeat here.