Hey Guys,


I have been dealing with the full effects of CSA since August 2007 and sexuality confusion since November 2007. I have since been attracted to both men and women at various times. My erotic thoughts are of women, I have used gay pornography and straight for that matter. I developed a fear of the female genitals about the same time I started doubting my sexuality. All these feelings led me to think that I was gay. I was in therapy for some time and I have just finished about 2 weeks ago.

I have been friends with a woman whom I attempted to date on 2 occasions only to see it end due to my fear and doubts of my orientation. She has supported me repeatedly throughout this process and has assured me she will see me through.

I followed the advice of a brother here at MS and decided that sexuality should not be the focal point of my recovery. I made progress in therapy and felt I could brave the world. I accepted my attractions for what they were and did accord much importance to them.

I was continuously hanging out with the woman and she makes me happy and makes me smile. I have felt attracted to her on more than one occasion. The feelings I had for her were consistent enough for me to act on them. I got sexual with her this past Friday and Sunday. Since then my self esteem has been in shambles. I am nervous and anxious, I doubt everything and yes of course my sexuaity yet again.

I am tired of this constant struggle, every time I try entering a relationship with this woman I feel vulnerable and beat down. Having sex seems to completely demoralize me until eventually I want to hide, I have no motivation, I can't sleep, I can't eat and sex is the last thing on my mind.

I just don't understand what is happening, it felt so right to pursue more with this woman but now all I could think of is I am gay just deal with it and come out. These feelings predominate my thoughts these last few days and they will not stop. Am I doomed like this forever? I don't know if this a sign that I am gay or just fear of a new relationship. Any perspective would greatly be appreciated. I feel permanently triggered here and I hate it to no end. I want to live a normal life!

Letourski,

Let me be as gentle as I know how to be - D'ya need to be hit with a brick?

OK, sorry, I'll be serious. You and this woman are not meant to be. All the signs that this relationship is not for you right now are staring right at you. Certainly, you can continue to pursue this and, yes, you can make it happen too. That doesn't mean that it's right for you. From the way you describe things, there is no flow, no fluidity - just rocks and crags and brambles.

Are you not, subconciously, using this woman so as to prouve to yourself your heterosexuality? You certainly wouldn't be the first man to do such a thing, which is why I ask.

You said:
This should tell you everything that you need to hear.

On the Gay thing. Gay is not about sex. Gay is all of the aspects that make up a hetero relationship, and sex just being one of those aspects.

So here's my question: Can you picture yourself setting up house with a man? All sex aside, can you see yourself making a comitment to the right guy and honoring that comitment? Sorry, that was two questions.

Now here's the part that you're not gonna like. Finally laying to rest or, if you will, sorting out the issues around our sexuality is accomplished in end stage recovery. We, formerly abused boys, are hyper-sexualized and it becomes 'our normal' to relate everything back to sex.

However, there are so many more important issues to address firstly. The reason, I believe, that the issues surrounding our sexuality as well as discovering healthy sexuality are dealt with in end stage recovery is that this is the least important of the issues we have to deal with. Not unimportant, just way down there on the list..............

Geez, man, I'm sorry - I wish that I could be more upbeat here.

Thank you for the honesty,

I believe healing the wounds of CSA definitely has to be dealt with before we can begin to untangle the question of sexuality.

I want to know where to start? I have been in therapy for 1 1/2 years and I have recently decided to move on without therapy as I feel I have come a long way.

When I am not in a relationship I am merely witnessing my emotions as they come and go. I do not feel the need to act on impulses whether they be with women or men.

As for answering the questions that were posed, I have a difficult time imagining any type of relationship, male or female. I just got out of a 6 year relationship about 1 year ago.
I do not know where to begin with any of this to be quite honest, I am not motivated either way when I am alone. I am quite happy being alone. Any insight would be great.

Hey friend,

Let me start at the bottom of your post as, for me, it is the most important. You said :
I find it very worrisome that you would make a statement like that. I used to think the same way - actually I thought that way for years. By nature the human being is a gregarious creature - in order to survive and be happy he needs to be surrounded by creatures like himself.

No one is happy alone. Wounded boys like you & me learned that is was not always possible to be happy in the presence of others because others were unsafe. We compensated for the lack of safe people around us with whom to interact by finding comfort in our own company. As a child that coping mechanism works, as an adult - not so much.

There is a great difference between being alone and being on my own.

To be alone is to be isolated, cut off, invisible. To be on my own, however, is to be fully engaged in my life and that life can only happen around other people.

Now, let me ask you another question : If you're so happy alone then what motivated this reaching out today? You sure don't sound happy.

You were in therapy for one & a half years. Go back! Find a different therapist - do a week-end workshop - go on a desert retreat or some such. You cannot recover from CSA all by yourself. Many have tried it and all have failed. I've been at recovery for twenty + years and I can only now say that I believe that I am in end stage recovery.

Remember this: It's people who messed us up and it's going to take people to help us heal.