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#271698 - 01/17/09 10:53 AM Question
user2007 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 346
I really don't think it's right to hate your own family. But sometimes it happens, and the ones you love turn against you. The ones that you love, don't love you.

I've had this feeling. It seems like nothing ever is enough, not either all the blows I take neither what I endure. The screams I never let escape out of my throat, neither back then and neither now. But it's not enough. So they hate everything, including my life.

I just wanted to sit in silence. To have one of my parents cradle me in their arms. I never needed either questions of how am I doing or words of cheer coming from their mouth.

Just needed them to hold me. In the silence. To care.

I wanted to feel that at least part of them loved me in the silence. So I could just be.

I just need a moment when I don't need to stand. I don't need to smile. I don't need to speak. I need a moment where I'm safe. But they don't care. And why don't they? I've tried to look for a logic conclusion to this matter for ten years or so but never came up with an answer.

So scratching at the walls I want to crawl out of my skin. But I can't, even though it's too much for my broken body to hold inside. And everything seems cold but everything feels like burning too. Every part he's ever touched.

Why is it that sometimes the last thing you want comes in first and the first thing you want doesn't ever come?

_________________________
"Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded by
All this pavement"

~ John Mayer



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#271717 - 01/17/09 02:17 PM Re: Question [Re: user2007]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Hey my man,

Just to let you know that all of us here at MS do care about you. What you parents do or don't do is a bit of a tough subject because you are underage, though neglect and abuse are offenses with legal consequences in most of the modern world. It would be nice if your parents recognized what you have been looking for at least in some small way. Perhaps we need to find a way to communicate your desires/needs to your parents or find a way to make them more aware of the issues that you are dealing with, while there is still time to begin to repair the damage it has caused you. If you weren't able to afford a copy, I would send my 2nd copy of Mic Hunter's ABUSED BOYS to you if there was anywhere that you felt safe enough to receive it, or another book that I found helpful, John Bradshaw's THE FAMILY. One other thing that many of us here could probably do is sponsor you to a full membership here also, just to show you how much we care when one of our youngest members is hurting.

Growing beyond our parent's abuse or neglect of us when we are kids is something that many of us have had to deal with. Please know that you are not alone in this regard, my young friend. Leaving the confines of your parents house and growing into adulthood is easier if we have our parent's support. But even without the support of your folk's, you will always have ours.

You are not alone,

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#271745 - 01/17/09 06:19 PM Re: Question [Re: Trucker51]
user2007 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 346
My body may be young but my mind has lived so many lifetimes that it's tired. I can't keep track of anything anymore.

Thinking about it know, I didn't know abuse and neglect and all this has left me so shattered. It's sucked my youth and made my life seem so futile. To the point I can't stop myself from thinking why the hell am I alive. Natural selection should have killed me long ago.

I was glad to meet the expectations of the people I loved by suppresing the chaos without dropping my mask. But the expectation kept growing, and it became a monster. The joy transformed into the fear of letting them down, of breaking down. I just didn't understand after a while the reason I'm still enduring things for.

Because they betray me, they break my heart, they break my body and I still accept. I accept because I'm still hoping that if I do the things the way they want, then their parental feelings will kick in and they'll magically love me. And magically stop things from happening to me. And magically start caring.

That's idiot, right? But that's how it is. If you're not welcomed in your home where are you welcomed? If people that should love you and protect you throw you to the wolves, how can you expect anyone else to care? Everybody that I ever got connected to disappeared somehow. In different ways, some of them politely enough but they all disappeared.

And I have been through so many shite in my life. And because of that I already ran away, I already tried to commit suicide, I already tried to press charges. I panicked, I lied, I disobbeyed, I yelled, I screamed to myself, I bumped myself against the walls, I cut, I cried whole nights and days. I did so many things and none of them gave me an answer.

I honestly don't know what I'm doing. I honestly don't know where or how to find help. And I'm sorry for whining.

_________________________
"Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded by
All this pavement"

~ John Mayer



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#271748 - 01/17/09 06:46 PM Re: Question [Re: user2007]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Whining? I don't hear whining. I hear the legitimate expression of pain.

I am now only fifty one years old, but my spirit - my essence - feels like it's a thousand going on ten thousand. I don't ever recall feeling young. I remember traversing from six to seven to eight to nine and so on but I don't think I have ever known what it is to be that age. I have heard many survivors make the same statement "I was born old".

If only it had just been my body that was beaten, abused, raped. Then maybe I would have stood a chance at some expression of childhood sponteneity, joy. But the fact is that it was my spirit that took a beating, the essence of me that was mis-used, my soul that was assaulted. I am older than I should be, older than I care to be, older than any one man should live to be. This is all perfectly unnatural because my experience of life is not what normal human evolution was meant to be. And yet in a sense I am normal - 6107 members tell me that I am normal.

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#271799 - 01/18/09 11:32 AM Re: Question [Re: user2007]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2435
Loc: TEXAS
Hi J_McCormick,
I'll add my answer as posted by Mark, and Joel. You might want to check out the site Born Old. Heal well my friend/brother.
Pete (Irishmoose)

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#271802 - 01/18/09 12:14 PM Re: Question [Re: petercorbett]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Here's the link to the thread that Pete is refrering to
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showthreaded&Number=268354

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#271846 - 01/18/09 07:16 PM Re: Question [Re: joelRT]
user2007 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 346
Originally Posted By: joelRT
If only it had just been my body that was beaten, abused, raped. Then maybe I would have stood a chance at some expression of childhood sponteneity, joy. But the fact is that it was my spirit that took a beating, the essence of me that was mis-used, my soul that was assaulted.


That's what it feels like. It seems like the blows and the abuse and the rage go deep inside, in a way so deep that it's impossible to get rid of them. They're inside and there's no way to put a band-aid.

Maybe it's true that I was born old. I don't remember ever being a happy kid, there are no pictures of me smiling. For that reason when I watched the trailer for that film The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, it felt so real. It seems like an old man in the body of a child, but the sad part is that as time passes I'm not getting any younger.

I'll check the topic. Thanks my friends.

_________________________
"Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded by
All this pavement"

~ John Mayer



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