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#271601 - 01/16/09 05:34 PM Why Did I Do This - Again
loody76 Offline


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 2
Loc: California
Hello to whoever reads this.

I am a survivor of abuse for most of my child and teen years. With that I have been very hesitant about relationships - not that I haven't had any but I always sabotage them because they get to close. I'm gay and 32 yrs old and i know its a pattern with me and I just did it again. Ruined a relationship that was going somewhere and I screwed it up. The past comes up and I can't forget it. I have had counseling and it has helped to some degree (not wreckless anymore) and I know I can't let in run my life anymore. I am working on this and I hope by joining this site I will learn from others.

I just wanted to write it out that way I know I am ready for this challenge. Thanks!

_________________________
Aaron

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#271602 - 01/16/09 05:42 PM Re: Why Did I Do This - Again [Re: loody76]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
hey loody, nice to see you here with us. look forward to having you share your struggles with the rest of us. it's tough to deal with, but so much easier when the load is carried with others.

keep in touch,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#271605 - 01/16/09 06:37 PM Re: Why Did I Do This - Again [Re: Sans Logos]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Quťbec, Canada
Hi loudy,

Welcome to MS. May you find here everything that you are seeking.

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#271620 - 01/16/09 08:16 PM Re: Why Did I Do This - Again [Re: loody76]
nathan555 Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 230
Loc: Australia
Aaron
yeah I read about sabotage

it can be so frustrating

Nathan 5

_________________________
5 depending on God's grace gives hope
6 my dark side , my hurt inner being my struggle
8 looking to the day of overcomming

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#271622 - 01/16/09 09:21 PM Re: Why Did I Do This - Again [Re: nathan555]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 243
Loc: NYC
Hi Loody,

I have a habit of sabotaging relationships too. I'm curious what happened. With me, I usually mess up things with people who feel conflicted anyway. Of course, there have been a few times where it was ninety percent me.

When I was stuck in a bad relationship, I found myself purposefully sabotaging it, stealthily provoking fights, etc. I'm just wondering how you perceive you ruined the relationship. Maybe the best way to break that pattern is to understand it as fully as possible. I wish you luck. I still have a lot of work to do in that area.


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#271672 - 01/17/09 02:52 AM Re: Why Did I Do This - Again [Re: Bewlayb1]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi Loody, and welcome to the MS site. Glad you have made it here to help with your recovery. I think sabotage is somewhat common in that as survivors we become nervous in relationships, thinking we're going to screw it up, and the more we try not to, we end up doing. It's kind of like someone telling you not to think about pink elephants over and over. Well, try as you might, it's going to be real hard not to think about pink elephants! Can you see a pattern where you feel that relationships start going bad?

Again, welcome, good to have you here.

_________________________
Eddie

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#275833 - 02/18/09 01:44 PM Re: Why Did I Do This - Again [Re: EGL]
loody76 Offline


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 2
Loc: California
I'd like to thank those who given their support and understanding. I greatly appreciate it and I feel welcomed, that helps the most.

_________________________
Aaron

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#275841 - 02/18/09 02:40 PM Re: Why Did I Do This - Again [Re: loody76]
wes-b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 438
Loc: Western, Canada

Hey there Brother Loody76.

Glad you have joined the fray :-)

The talk of sabotage took me to the day I committed "Emotional Suicide" and asked to be saved. I was always too fearful to end a relationship, I would just disappear. So when I married and had a family and lived a double life... --"white picket fence with the dark sinister addiction under the cover of darkness"-- I eventually found, or was led to realize that I could no longer live like that, so I disclosed to my wife. My disclosure was an emotional suicide event, I dumped the horrors of my behaviors on my wife... as I see it now it was a grandiose expression of polar opposites "Please destroy me, Please save me".

From this pit I was brought to many places of healing and know that the pains of healing are nothing when I compare to living my previous life of terror.

BTW, it took over a year before it was clear to me that I had lived for decades in terror.

Love from the land of ice and snow :-)

Wes

_________________________
Happy to be a recovering survivor. :-)

Continuing to meet more of my fellows as I "Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny".

My Story, 1st pass

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#276503 - 02/21/09 09:16 PM Re: Why Did I Do This - Again [Re: wes-b]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Loody76,

Wow, I've totally been all over the sabotaging of relationships, as well as my professional career, other personal relationship, etc.

MaleSurvivor should be a big help to you (it was for me) but so was therapy. It will be a very important part of your recovery. Have you contacted anyone or begun therapy?

Peace and love,

Michael


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#279521 - 03/15/09 11:14 AM Re: Why Did I Do This - Again [Re: loody76]
Nahuel Offline


Registered: 03/15/09
Posts: 1
Loc: Netherlands
Today I joint this group. Little about me 50yrs., father of two and in a sort of stable relationship. The most difficult part is the issue of intimacy and sexuality. It has been the biggest problem for the last 9 years and Iím still not able to fix. Last year a started therapy again, which means again digging on my past, my shit. Sometimes it feels unbearable. For the outside world I am successful, a good job, lovely kids and a good relationship with their mother. But inside me itís a turmoil. Itís easy to talk but for me itís difficult to share my inner emotions, feelings and thoughts. I love my partner dearly but keep on pushing him away and at the same time terrified of losing him. Heís very loyal, honest and trustworthy. But strangely, that makes it even more difficult. I feel guilty when I hurt, but I become a emotional fortress when I let him come close. I have no question in particular but hope that some of can shed some light on this. Sorry for my English, itís not my native language. Nahuel


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#279528 - 03/15/09 12:21 PM Re: Why Did I Do This - Again [Re: Nahuel]
nevragan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/22/08
Posts: 907
Loc: NC
I have found that I do the same thing with relationships. I seek to be close to someone but then when they start getting too close too fast, I push them away or screw it up completely. Friendship and intimacy have been a major issue that I can't get past. I know about your inner turmoil feeling. In comparison, I feel like a rotten tomato that looks good on the outside till you find out the inside is dead and rotten. Funny part is that I hate tomatoes but you get the jist of what I am saying hopefully. All I can suggest is that you tell your mate that you need some understanding and that it he isn't the problem. I would let him know that you are struggling to cope with how to make the relationship work with intimacy and that you ask that he just be patient, understanding and take it with a grain of salt as things happen.


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#279557 - 03/15/09 02:19 PM Re: Why Did I Do This - Again [Re: Nahuel]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
nahuel, what a beautiful name....what does it mean?

you are doing just great with your english!

welcome to the organization! so glad you that you found us, though not for the circumstances that brought you here.

i have done this all my life. everytime i had gotten involved in a relationship i get the sense that i am imprisoned. i mean, i would go to any lengths to 'catch' a partner, but then once in a relationship with them, i would go to any lengths to avoid them. first it's 'touch me, touch me!" then it's 'don't do that'. how crazy that must seem to someone who has not been abused.

but here we are today, stuck with the results of having had a 'relationship' imposed on us by someone who could not care less about us, or our boundaries.

they just came in close as close can be, and gave us no option for refusing them. we were forced to comply.

and now, everytime we get into a relationship today, we re-enact our role for the relationship set up by the abuser.

make sense?

so, even though we know our current partners are not trying to force us; they just have no idea that they are being mistaken for another person, the perp.

learning how to work through those kinds of questions is why many of us are here.

since you've just joined us, maybe think about telling us more about yourself and post your story in the survivors stories forum.

again, welcome!

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#279637 - 03/16/09 06:07 AM ... [Re: Nahuel]
St3v3n Offline


Registered: 11/26/08
Posts: 102
...


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#279938 - 03/18/09 11:54 AM Re: Why Did I Do This - Again [Re: St3v3n]
myboyhoodfears Offline


Registered: 03/13/09
Posts: 457
.



Edited by myboyhoodfears (08/31/09 03:24 AM)
_________________________
Post Nubilia Pheobus

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