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#270743 - 01/11/09 12:27 AM new member
sula Offline


Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 24
Loc: USA

Iíve been reading some of the postings here for a few months now. It has really helped at times to feel Iím not alone.

So, what has led me to write today? Iíve been involved with an Al-Anon group since September, even got a sponsor who I met with each week. But it was just Ďthe next best thingí. At the moment, I am waiting for a CSA group to start which is open to men. It could be soon, but it is not certain yet.

Anyway, I increasingly felt more and more isolated in the Al-Anon group because what I really need to talk about is CSA. I found myself trying to adjust what I would say to fit that context. There were some benefits for a while, but then I hit a wall with it a few weeks ago and realized I was beginning to feel more isolated by going to the group than if I just stayed home.

Iím also afraid of starting something and having it end, or finding it doesnít really fit. And perhaps Iím also afraid of taking another step in my recovery. And probably on some level I donít want to face more.

I do have a wonderful therapist who has plenty of experience working with CSA, which is very fortunate because that is not the reason I initially began to see her. Iíve been seeing her for a few years now and I didnít begin having memories of CSA until about a year ago. I touched on another layer of abuse a few months ago, but it only surfaced briefly. Iím trying to be patient with the process, but it seems unreal most of the time.

I can see now that Iíve been trying to run from, escape, transcend or avoid it for years through a number ways. I donít know what the hell Iím doing, but I know I am still very unhealthy/sick/depressed/etc. Iíve been unable to work for about six years. I was utterly devoted to a spiritual group and pushed myself so hard that my body just shut down Ė chronic fatigue. Then, because I soon ran out of money, I tried to go back to work and had a severe psychological breakdown. After another go around the same sort of path and my second major breakdown, I committed to not trying to work again, even if I had to live in the streets. Thankfully, and through lots of challenges, my SSDI was accepted.

Itís still hard to not feel able to work. I feel like something has got me and is holding me down. I canít run anymoreÖbut I feel alone most of the time Ė not just feel alone, but spend most of my time alone. Along with Al-Anon loosing its usefulness for me, two of my four friends have moved recently. Iím hoping that beginning to post messages and stay up to date with threads here will help a bit.

Thanks,
Brian


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#270746 - 01/11/09 12:59 AM Re: new member [Re: sula]
G5 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/12/04
Posts: 203
Loc: New Jersey
Welcome Brian......read when you can, post when you have questions or thoughts. We're all here for you.

B-well,

Chris

_________________________
WoR Kirkridge '08
WoR Alta Advanced '09
International Conference '10, '12
Oprah 200
PA Support Group
WoR Alta Advanced '12
"Silence Buster"

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#270751 - 01/11/09 01:35 AM Re: new member [Re: G5]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi Brian, and welcome to MS. I'm glad you found your way here, as I feel it can help you. I know it takes a lot of courage to make that first post, and hit that Submit button. Good for you! I'm also glad you have a good therapist that you feel comfortable with. That's really important, so sounds like you're making good progress there.

Talk as much as you want, we'll listen to whatever you need to say. As you know, you're not alone in this.

_________________________
Eddie

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#270759 - 01/11/09 02:26 AM Re: new member [Re: sula]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Quťbec, Canada
First Brian, welcome to MS. I usually say to the new members, take your time and look around 'till you feel comfortable, but, well, you've already done that. Kinda takes the wind outta my sails laugh

Second, I hear you loud and clear when express how you feel right now about the recovery process. The beginning stages are, for most everyone) very difficult to come to terms with. We all wish that we didn't have to face up to our past, that we somehow skirt to whole issue and still somehow be well. However, as you yourself intimated that is not a viable option.

You well know by now that we, the men of MS, are all here to assist you in any that it is possible for us to offer you.

My hope for you is that your experience here mirrors my own in that you make fast friends with men that you relate well with and through who's support finally gives you to feel no longer alone in your struggle to wellness.

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#270762 - 01/11/09 03:45 AM Re: new member [Re: joelRT]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2439
Loc: TEXAS
Welcome Brian, welcome aboard, welcome to hell too. Welcome to your first day on that long and (at times) dangerous road to recovery. Yes it took me a very long time to figure out that trying to drown that lost boy in alcohol, and trying to run away from him, that it didn't work. Why? Because he was ME. Brian here you will find compassion, understanding and love, from REAL friends/brothers in recovery. We all have been in the depths of hell and into our very souls. Here I get the help for me to make it through another day, to take another step to finding me, and that lost boy in a mans skin. Take whatever help from those of us that you can. You can pick and choose what's best for you. As you can see that we bare our very souls to each other. They hear my cries for help. The pain is great. But they keep telling me that eventually it will turn to joy in moving from being a VICTIM to a SURVIVOR. But I personally have a very long road ahead. So Brian, welcome. Please consider me a friend/brother in healing. Heal well.
Pete (Irishmoose)

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#270766 - 01/11/09 06:25 AM Re: new member [Re: sula]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
hi brian, welcome to our survivor community. we are each here for various and unique reasons, but ultimately one purpose, to heal.

glad to have you on board here to make that trip with us.

all the best,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#270770 - 01/11/09 07:52 AM Re: new member [Re: Sans Logos]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Brian,

Welcome to the site - I'm glad you found us. I'm sure you will find a lot of support and understanding here.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#270772 - 01/11/09 08:15 AM Re: new member [Re: sula]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
Morning Brian:

And as the others have already said, welcome.

I hope that you will find what I have found here. Understanding, acceptance, belief in the good things in life, and the ability to finally shake off the bad. Finally!

Jim

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

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#270781 - 01/11/09 10:29 AM Re: new member [Re: Geeders]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 862
Loc: washington
Hello Brian,

I am in A.A.

...and even though a high pecentage can have abuse issues, it can be a hot topic (so I can totally relate to the alanon thing)
It's really the wrong forum.

I'm glad you can get into a CSA group (other than MS, I am isolated).

But one thing is for sure...You're not alone and neither am I.

Welcome...Welcome...


island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#270812 - 01/11/09 01:53 PM Re: new member [Re: 1islandboy]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Welcome Brian!

You'll find lots of guys here who can relate to the path you've found yourself on. We'll make this journey together from here on out. Glad you came out of the corner and introduced yourself!

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
ďLifeís journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ĎHoly ____Ö! What a ride!íĒ ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#270828 - 01/11/09 03:30 PM Re: new member [Re: WalkingSouth]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1970
Brian,

Welcome to MS. You are brave to face this stuff. I'll only speak from my own experiences, but running did not work. When I ran I slowly fell apart. As I face things I gain strength and a better understanding of who I am and why certain things happened the way they did in my life. As painful as facing this stuff is, it has been much better than trying to pretend it didn't happen (where really it is just lurking in the shadows anyway doing its damage). You will find a lot of understanding guys here on this site who can relate to what you are going through. Take a look around and share more when you are ready. Again, welcome.

Eric


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#270918 - 01/12/09 01:10 AM Re: new member [Re: ericc]
sula Offline


Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 24
Loc: USA
Thanks to everyone for the warm welcome!

Although it took me a while to post something, I think the much greater challenge for me is in sticking with it, especially to 'keep it real' and continue sharing what is really happening without minimizing or denying what I'm feeling.

I can't promise anything, but I'll give it a shot. It is hard to put into a few words what I feel right now and what I've been through to get here...

I guess what comes to mind first is how many things I've tried in the last 15 years (since a suicide attempt in my early twenties) and not wanting what I am doing now (i.e. with MS and CSA recovery) to result in the same feelings of loss, disappointment and confusion.

I miss the communities I've been so invloved in previously, and I also fully recognize they are not right for me now...and I need something!

Brian


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