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#270431 - 01/08/09 08:44 PM Please help!
sadwife11 Offline


Registered: 01/08/09
Posts: 9
I am drastically looking for info. I really don't know if this is the right place to go for help, and if not, I apologize in advance. I have recently discovered/figured out/realized that my husband is gay. I don't think anyone knows. I found some gay porn sites on our compute and some sites that solicit male sex. I have no idea if he has ever "done anything". I doubt it because he is home with us all the time. I have done some research and our lack of intimacy, distant sex life, and the gay porn I found really seem pretty clear. I have tried to strength our intimacy with love, attraction and sex, and this never goes anywhere. I feel like I am his roommate. I cried myself to sleep on our honeymoon since we had sex like once. So many nights I have done the same...our bed feels cold, he never reaches for me. I love him so much and need help from anyone who can counsel me on what I need to know about confronting him. PLEASE HELP!! I love him so much and want for us to figure out what to do together...I want him to be happy, but I know that I can't survive the intimate distance we have and it's worse now that I know why it exists. Does anyone have any experience in dealing with this? We've been married just over a year and he adopted my 5 yr old and I just delivered twin sons on 10/17/08...I feel like my life is over...


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#270432 - 01/08/09 08:54 PM Re: Please help! [Re: sadwife11]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Sadwife,

For as odd as this will sound, none of what you state affirms that your husband is Gay. I agree with that it may seem to indicate that he is, but we the men of MS know all to well what it is to experience, well into adulthood, sexual identity confusion. I AM NOT implying that your husband may be a former CSA victim. I am only telling you that the lack of sexual intimacy and Gay porn on the computer can quite easily be attributed to sexual identity confusion which in itself could have any number of multiple causes.

The only way you going to know for sure what is going on with him and why it is that he does not respond to your advances is to talk to him. None of us can speak in his stead.

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#270433 - 01/08/09 09:14 PM Re: Please help! [Re: joelRT]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 866
Loc: washington
Sadwife,

There is not alot I can add to what Joel said, other than agree with his position.

On the how to confront...(Disclaimer:I'm not a therapist)...but I would say slow, steady and compassionate would be my approach when discussing this with husband.

Best of luck with this.

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#270434 - 01/08/09 09:18 PM Re: Please help! [Re: joelRT]
sadwife11 Offline


Registered: 01/08/09
Posts: 9
Do you have any insight on how I should approach this delicate subject with him? I know how painful this is. I truly want him to know I won't judge...we just have so much happening and I need honesty about this...my heart has been so sad due to our lack of intimacy and if it is all for nothing because he is fantasizing about men...I don't know how to move forward with that. I have always felt he was "shy" but in light of our year of marriage and deteriorating sex life and now finding 8 porn sites on the computer that were set up as password protected...what can I think? I don't know how to help him...

I really appreciate your reply...I really don't want to be a trigger for anyone...truly I mean that...I just can't keep pretending everything is ok. I have chosen tomorrow night to confront him and I want some honest opinions on how I can do it gently, with love so he feels safe.


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#270435 - 01/08/09 09:19 PM Re: Please help! [Re: sadwife11]
sadwife11 Offline


Registered: 01/08/09
Posts: 9
thanks for that, island....that's all I have to go on at this point and I really want it to be that way...I am so afraid he will get freaked out and defensive...


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#270443 - 01/08/09 10:19 PM Re: Please help! [Re: sadwife11]
riz Offline


Registered: 10/07/08
Posts: 123
hi sadwife,

have you read through the posts on this website? there is one in "family and friend" written not too long ago about possible reasons for your husband looking at gay porn.

when my husband told me he had been abused as a child i thought that was horrible and i felt very bad for him. i did not know about this website, nor did i have any information at all on the subject.

the next few months were awful. he was feeling awful, probably totally scared and confused because of the realization that he had been abused. he completely withdrew, hardly speaking to me, or angry, impossible to reason with. i had no idea what was going on so i would try everything i knew to get him to open up. this made it worse because he didn't even really know what was going on with himself, never mind trying to explain it to me. i was crying all the time and he felt even worse because he saw how terrible i was feeling and he was in no condition to help me.

learn as much as you can from this website before you speak to him. please don't think you are going to sit down tomorrow night and have a nice, rational discussion with him and get this "all figured out". i guess that might happen (i hope so) but if he has been abused and has not admitted it, or has not even realized it, you are right. it is very possible he will get freaked out. he may not be ready to talk about it. he may deny it.

whatever you do or say, i would be very careful to not sound like you are accusing him or blaming him, only telling him your concerns and giving him an opportunity to talk if he wants to. maybe someone else has a better idea of how to go about it. my best advice is to inform yourself as much as possible.

advice that i'm sure you will see over and over in the other posts is to consider findng a therapist for yourself. regardless of what's happening with your husband, YOU seem very unhappy and it might benefit you to have support.

my best to you and your family,

riz


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#270444 - 01/08/09 10:23 PM Re: Please help! [Re: riz]
sadwife11 Offline


Registered: 01/08/09
Posts: 9
can you tell me what post you are referring to? I really want as much info as I can get, here, but I feel like I am the one hiding something now being at home with all of this flying around in my head, pretending everything is ok.

i am hoping that perhaps my husband and i can go to counseling together...but i feel at a loss of finding a counselor that could help us with this delicate situation...


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#270450 - 01/08/09 10:36 PM Re: Please help! [Re: riz]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
Hi Sad:

I'm not going to add much to what has already been said. Its good advice. I do wish to add however that years ago, my wife asked me if I was abused or assaulted. I denied it because I wasn't yet ready to admit to myself, let alone anyone else, including my wife, that I was in fact abused or assaulted. I wasn't ready. She knows now, and its such a relief. I just wish I could have been more honest with her way back when.

Just so you know. Hang in there.
Jim

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

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#270452 - 01/08/09 10:57 PM Re: Please help! [Re: Geeders]
riz Offline


Registered: 10/07/08
Posts: 123
hi again,

the post was "he says he's not gay", under family and friends.

i'm so sorry you are feeling alone in this. please keep coming back to this site. trust me i know what it is like to suddenly not have the person closest to you that you can confide in. you may not have him for an ally right now, so you must find ways to take care of yourself. coming here is a good first step.

riz


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#270453 - 01/08/09 11:05 PM Re: Please help! [Re: riz]
sadwife11 Offline


Registered: 01/08/09
Posts: 9
thank you so much for your encouragement and support. I feel like everything i thought I knew is gone...I really want to understand...and I love him so much...I just can't fathom losing him...but on the same note, if he needs something I can't give, and I need something from him that he doesn't possess for me then we are both getting cheated out of happiness... I really hope I can find the strength and the wisdom to talk to him for my sanity, and that he can open up to me to try and rescue himself...He is the greatest guy to me and my sons.


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#270482 - 01/09/09 04:17 AM Re: Please help! [Re: sadwife11]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
You say
Quote:
I know how painful this is. I truly want him to know I won't judge

Well, kindly, no you don't know how painfull this is to him nor can you begin to 'get' the why of it. Please don't misunderstand me, I am not at all questioning your intelligence. I simply saying that only another man can know how painfull this is to him.

If you want him to know that you won't pass judgement on him, then tell him so, simply and directly. Which brings me to next point. What if as opposed to confronting him you were to engage him in a discussion about your concerns? Confrontation almost always leads to conflict. That won't resolve anything.

You say
Quote:
I don't know how to help him
and I ask you : Has he asked you for help? Because if he hasn't, well........

Lastly, ALL porn sites are password protected whether the consumer wants that or not - he didn't set them up that way.

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#270485 - 01/09/09 05:42 AM Re: Please help! [Re: joelRT]
sadwife11 Offline


Registered: 01/08/09
Posts: 9
first of what I meant is that I know this is a painful process for him to go through, with or without me, in no way do I pretend to be able to relate...I never implied that I could relate.
And in trying to confront him, i only plan to try to open up communication about what is going on for him regarding what he feels he has to hide from me. I am sure it is terrible weight to bear...again, i think you are getting semantics all wrong.
As for the password issue, what I was referring to is that on your computer you can set up your browser options to "remember your passwords to particular sites" or set up a specific list of "exceptions" you want to NEVER have your computer remember. This is the list of the sites I have found...9 gay porn sites that include how to contact men for sex.

sorry my wording is not perfect on these things but my brain is dealing with emotions lately , not the english language on paper.


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#270657 - 01/10/09 07:46 AM Re: Please help! [Re: sadwife11]
riz Offline


Registered: 10/07/08
Posts: 123
hi sadwife,

i've been thinking about you and your family. how's it going?

riz


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#270658 - 01/10/09 08:20 AM Re: Please help! [Re: riz]
nathan555 Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 230
Loc: Australia
Sadwife
just encourage him on the journey
and assure him of your support
that will be so releasing and empowering

my wife empowered me

but he does need to talk with men who understand

Nathan

_________________________
5 depending on God's grace gives hope
6 my dark side , my hurt inner being my struggle
8 looking to the day of overcomming

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#270678 - 01/10/09 10:44 AM Re: Please help! [Re: nathan555]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 866
Loc: washington
sadwife,

I'll have to agree with what Joel said. Notice I chose my words carefully and didn't use the word confront in my reply (as it is a HARD word).

I believe there is more to resolve other than the nine porn sites. (lack of intimacy for one).

I remember how fragile I was with my ex wife (she was so unsupportive and toxic to my recovery-but I digress)

I'm sure discussing this isn't going to be easy. I feel that (the fact that your his wife) you deserve answers. At the same time (I feel) if you come in with a demanding stance, I believe he will just shut down.

I hope it goes well and am glad you are so supportive. (as is my new girlfriend).

As a side note: I look at my recovery as more of a marathon and less of a sprint. (I set the pace - I'm sure you can see why).


Toy Soldiers (Martika)

island









Edited by 1islandboy (01/10/09 08:26 PM)
Edit Reason: more random thoughts
_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#270835 - 01/11/09 03:58 PM Re: Please help! [Re: 1islandboy]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16268
sadwife,

Just a word of caution if I may. Many wives and partners find it difficult to distinguish between being supportive and trying to manage their husbands recovery. Support is good and desirable. Attempted management on the other hand is pretty much always a bad plan and eventually terribly resented by the survivor.

A couple of examples from my personal experience if I may.

Early in my recovery, even before I had been to a therapist, my wife and I found ourselves stopping alongside the road at a Motel 6 in Petaluma California in the middle of the night. It had been a long day of traveling and we were to exhausted to look for a more upscale place to stay. We slept hard and in the morning as we were lying in bed the enormity of my loss due to the sexual abuse. I began to weep uncontrollably. It was loud, wet, and extended. She held me and whispered soothingly to me the while. When I finally wound down she said something like this to me:

"I don't understand the the grief but I recognize that it's very real. I just want you to know I believe you and love you for who you are no matter what's happened."

As time progressed I understandably turned inward while I processed the overload of emotions and information flooding my being. She began to feel alone and neglected due to the fact that I was hardly able to take care of myself let alone try to meet her needs as well.

Understandably this caused her a good deal of frustration which manifested itself in such things as being very critical of me in our couples counseling sessions, pushing me to read books at a pace I was unable to absorb the content, and setting a timetable for my recovery.

She thought she was being helpful, I think, in some of this activity but it only served to drive a wedge between us for quite some time. Many couple find their relationship falling on the rocks and breaking up when this happens. Thankfully our relationship has been strong enough to this point to withstand the storm.

The point is that you're a victim of our abusers as well. It's not an easy road you travel and it's fraught with unseen dangers you have no idea how to negotiate. Certainly if you can do some work with a qualified, competent therapist it would not hurt, but make sure you're with one who's committed to working with you within the parameters of your relationship rather than one who is a divorce facilitator. While I'll acknowledge there are times when divorce is the right course of action, there are many counselors out there who seem to be working out their own relationship frustrations through their clients. Be careful!



_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#271594 - 01/16/09 03:33 PM Re: Please help! [Re: WalkingSouth]
sadwife11 Offline


Registered: 01/08/09
Posts: 9
Wow, thank you all so much for what you've shared...I didn't look at this site for several days because I was aggravated the last time i posted.

Today is the big day...I understand the word "confront" is a bad trigger and has the wrong connotations. I certainly always knew despite my emotions about all of the "evidence" i have found, I knew I wanted to approach him safely and with love because the reason I am so hurt is purely because I love him so much, I feel betrayed, and I fear losing our life together too. But this week I sought out a grueling therapy session for myself and I can't say it was helpful,yet, but what I did get out of it was that maybe writing down my feelings in a letter would help, whether I gave it to him or not. Well I decided to do that and figured that if i used a letter to reach out to my husband he could read it in private, have some time to react, and then we could face eachother and go from there. My letter was about our intimacy issues and about the evidence of his attraction for men. Nonjudging and open to talking together. Well, today is that day. I left it in his car, He read it and called me scared and frantic, fearful I was leaving him...I told him to be calm, I loved him and that I wasn't going anywhere.

I know as his wife, I have rights to know what I know and I have suffered a betrayal, the depths of which I don't know but the reality looks pretty bad right now. (i invested in spyware and found emails from my husband to men on craigslist and gay porn meet up sites soliciting sexual acts back and forth. these are all dated from 11/05 right up until the month we met in 3/07 . It's pretty incriminating and if he is attracted to men and has been with men in the past, I don't know how we'll be able to recover from that.)

Anyway, now I wait to talk and cry with him face to face later, hopeful we can find a path through this to walk on together...


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#271596 - 01/16/09 04:18 PM Re: Please help! [Re: sadwife11]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Congratulations to you! You've had a major breakthrough, you must be very proud. And if by chance you aren't, you should be.

I'm not sure if I recommended this site to you or not http://jimhopper.com/

It's a lengthy read to be sure, but well worth it. It describes in detail some of the common impacts of male CSA and why many heterosexual men act out with other men.

I don't know your husband and I'm not making a judgement call here as you may very well be right in your fears about his true sexual orientation, however if we were to poll the membership here (which we won't) as to how many of the guys have battled or are still battling same sex attraction while knowing full well that they are not homosexual, approximately seven out of ten would raise their hand. It is a common adult sympton of male childhood sexual abuse.

So why the lack of intimacy if he knows himself to be heterosexual? Amongst other reasons is that of feeling so unworthy, unclean, of the woman he loves that he would prefer to avoid her than to face what he perceives to be his own inadequacy.

If your husband looks you in the eye and affirms his heterosexuality, you can believe him.

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#271625 - 01/16/09 09:47 PM Re: Please help! [Re: joelRT]
sadwife11 Offline


Registered: 01/08/09
Posts: 9
Wow Joel,

I must tell you...your email has brought me more peace and more hope than you could ever know....your email may have been the sole reason I found myself here at all. This has been the hardest week of my life and your email has brought a "light in the darkness." I can't know yet, but I hope my husband and I can find it together because I know his darkness right this minute must seem bleak as well.

Reading this now, and planning to go home to face my husband in an hour and a half, I have a renewed sense of purpose and strength...

Thank you so much for that...your insight has been so helpful you cannot know...


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#272834 - 01/27/09 06:25 AM Re: Please help! [Re: sadwife11]
roxanne Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/22/08
Posts: 16
I agree with what Joel said, that you can believe him if he says he is heterosexual. You can also believe him if he says he loves you and your kids. However, he may never stop the behaviours: seeking out men for sex, porn etc. Or he might. He may lie to you about his activities and continue them. This is the part that every wife has to look at: I love him, he loves me, but can I live with his choices?


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#272927 - 01/27/09 06:42 PM Re: Please help! [Re: roxanne]
Kathryn Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 303
And I don't think it's just about living with choices -- but everything that goes into how we make choices.

Now, perhaps "choices" isn't a good word -- compulsion might be better, and I'm not sure there's much freedom of choice when it comes to compulsions. There is, however, some freedom of choice when it comes to how people deal with their compulsions.

And it seems to me that people who act upon compulsions that can severely harm others are able to do so, in part, because they lack certain pretty important feelings in regard to those with whom they're intimate: like feelings of protectiveness.

It's a bit confusing to figure out what love means when it doesn't include feelings of protectiveness....

So it's not just a matter of living with "his choices" it seems to me, but also living with the ways in which he loves or not -- like loving with limited feelings of protectiveness....

And sadwife, please make sure you protect your physical health, apparently your husband is unable to at this time, so it's up to you.

Good luck with the road ahead, hopefully with time and healing we can all learn to love better.

Take care,
Katie


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#273071 - 01/29/09 01:38 AM Re: Please help! [Re: Kathryn]
cstjude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Sadwife,

The only thing I can add to the good advice advanced here is to urge you to find a counsellor of your own and build yourself a good support structure. You cannot change, control, fix, or otherwise alleviate your husband's experience. But it is obviously having a major impact on your peace of mind, self-esteem, and emotional state. An objective opinion from your own counsellor (in addition to any joint-therapy you may pursue with your husband) and the chance to talk exclusively about yourself and your situation can be cathartic and grounding especially if life feels like it is spiralling out of control.

It is so hard not to take aspects of his behaviour as rejection of you or your love. When we love someone who has compelling emotional issues (I won't call it childhood sexual abuse yet because we don't know if that is your husband's experience), we have to come to grips with the fact that we are playing by different emotional rule books. The usual rules about emotional interaction and responses go right out the window. It is possible (even likely) that the behaviour you are interpreting as rejection of you, your body, your personality, the strength of your love, is really generated by his feelings of overwhelming fear, self-loathing, unworthiness, sexual identity confusion, panic, or a host of other emotional storms.

Be good to yourself. Find a good therapist. Keep coming back here. Find some good reading material to give you somewhere concrete to go when life seems too confusing. If it turns out that your husband is, indeed, a CSA survivor, then the best resource I can recommend (other than this site) is Browne and Browne's "If the Man You Love Was Abused." It's like a roadmap through this smetimes crazy-making, extraordinary experience of buiding a loving relationship with a survivor.

C.

_________________________
C.
Female, Friends & Family Forum Fan

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#273083 - 01/29/09 04:44 AM Re: Please help! [Re: cstjude]
lovehimso Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/20/09
Posts: 10
Loc: CA, USA
I am new to this site , and new to the news of my husbands CSA. I have a question and hopefully someone can guide me to the right thoughts. Is it normal as the partner of a CSA survivor to be so resentful? I am so angry at what was at this point stolen from both of us , our children..... the happiness and content we could have known. I in no means want to diminish the devastation my husband has been through. He has always been my hero , and he has always asked me why i felt that way . I never really had words to explain myself until he told me of his abuse, then I knew. Somehow I want to believe that my subconscious must have connected in someway to the little boy I have always seen in his eyes. I want to have an emotionally balanced me , so that I can be there for support for him . I just know right now .... I am more hurtful than supportive . Please help me ..... I have started seeing a T who has 15 plus years of experience dealing with men as CSA survivors ....and their spouses, 2nd visit is tomorrow . It is always most helpful when you find out that the feelings you are feeling arent just experienced by you alone but that others know exactly what you are going through.


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#273087 - 01/29/09 07:48 AM Re: Please help! [Re: lovehimso]
fromtoday Offline


Registered: 10/04/08
Posts: 74
Loc: UK
Hi lovehimso,
Welcome to the site, you may get more of a response if you put you request as a topic as then all will see.
I have a great deal of resentment towards my husbands family, they are unaware, we think, of my husbands abuse, and I find it difficult to deal with a times.
I'm often resentful, even towards my husband, because of his reluctance to deal with things for such a long period of time.
For years we've both been hurting in a big way and to some extent thats affected our children too, and relationships outside our family unit, how could you not feel resentful.
I'm furious at my husbands perp, not only for comitting the most evil offences against a little boy, but I also feel as though he's hurt me personally as well, and consequently our children, he's dead, but I think I suffer from the same fantasies as my husband does if I could get my hands on him.
When you speak to your therapist be totally honest about how you are feeling, if you are off balance it's their job to bring you back in line, but for sure partners of CSA survivors have suffered an injustice too, it's just making sure that you lay the blame at the right feet.
Good luck.

_________________________
Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide,
No escape from reality
Open your eyes, Look up to the skies and see.....
_________________________________________________
Queen, Bohemian Rhapsody

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#273151 - 01/29/09 03:54 PM Re: Please help! [Re: fromtoday]
sadwife11 Offline


Registered: 01/08/09
Posts: 9
Hello all,

Just wanting to drop in to bring you up to date on my topic. My H and I are trying hard to figure things out...My H describes the internet thing as a "compulsive addiction" that surfaces every few months. and he does feel conflicted about why he finds male sex acts a turn on but assures me he has not acted on it that it was only email fantasy...He emphatically declared that he would never have risked us/my health and would never violate our marriage vows. We have sought out therapy together and that has been cathartic for me to have a safe place to talk to him about my concerns, feelings of betrayal, etc...the therapist seems qualified and my H will be pursuing his own private therapy as well...We feel there may be underlying issues here that need dealing with and I want him to be able to do what he needs and know I will be there if he wants and not there if that is more what he needs. He should feel safe with this guy, I will only be involved with his solo T if he chooses to bring me in. I am reserved about our future but I will not rush into separating...we are trying, he is trying hard to be available for me regarding our intimacy issues...I do fear there is something else there preventing him being truly who he could be with me. I hope time and T will help. If it's sexual orientation/past abuse, I can ONLY hope therapy can help... I know I may never know for sure. I can't pretend my trust isn't shaken and he knows that and wants me to keep an open mind...he wants to do anything and all to keep our life together...Thanks again so much for the insights in your posts...you all have lent me such an important perspective...thank you so much.


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#273163 - 01/29/09 04:45 PM Re: Please help! [Re: sadwife11]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Sadwife,

Great to hear from you and thanks so much for the update. Recovery from CSA, and especialy for men, takes a lot of time - it's often a start and restart process at the beginning but it sounds like the two of you are now on the right track.

I don't know whether you have seen the October 2008 issue of O Magazine, so I provided the following link. The article pertains directly to heterosexual couples dealing with male CSA and I'm sure you would gain valuable insights here that will help you along.

http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/200810_omag_sexual_abuse

Please stay in touch and let us know how you're getting along, and of course if you have any questions, well..........

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#273178 - 01/29/09 06:30 PM Re: Please help! [Re: joelRT]
Kathryn Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 303
Hey sadwife,

Glad to hear things are moving in the right direction. Hope you keep in touch.

Joel,

Thanks for the Oprah link, I think I'll send it on to others.

K.


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#273203 - 01/29/09 09:59 PM Re: Please help! [Re: Kathryn]
Kathryn Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 303


P.S.

I like the line in the Oprah article -- "allergic to relationships" -- yep.

I'm tired of being allergic.

K.


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