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#270482 - 01/09/09 04:17 AM Re: Please help! [Re: sadwife11]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
You say
Quote:
I know how painful this is. I truly want him to know I won't judge

Well, kindly, no you don't know how painfull this is to him nor can you begin to 'get' the why of it. Please don't misunderstand me, I am not at all questioning your intelligence. I simply saying that only another man can know how painfull this is to him.

If you want him to know that you won't pass judgement on him, then tell him so, simply and directly. Which brings me to next point. What if as opposed to confronting him you were to engage him in a discussion about your concerns? Confrontation almost always leads to conflict. That won't resolve anything.

You say
Quote:
I don't know how to help him
and I ask you : Has he asked you for help? Because if he hasn't, well........

Lastly, ALL porn sites are password protected whether the consumer wants that or not - he didn't set them up that way.

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#270485 - 01/09/09 05:42 AM Re: Please help! [Re: joelRT]
sadwife11 Offline


Registered: 01/08/09
Posts: 9
first of what I meant is that I know this is a painful process for him to go through, with or without me, in no way do I pretend to be able to relate...I never implied that I could relate.
And in trying to confront him, i only plan to try to open up communication about what is going on for him regarding what he feels he has to hide from me. I am sure it is terrible weight to bear...again, i think you are getting semantics all wrong.
As for the password issue, what I was referring to is that on your computer you can set up your browser options to "remember your passwords to particular sites" or set up a specific list of "exceptions" you want to NEVER have your computer remember. This is the list of the sites I have found...9 gay porn sites that include how to contact men for sex.

sorry my wording is not perfect on these things but my brain is dealing with emotions lately , not the english language on paper.


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#270657 - 01/10/09 07:46 AM Re: Please help! [Re: sadwife11]
riz Offline


Registered: 10/07/08
Posts: 123
hi sadwife,

i've been thinking about you and your family. how's it going?

riz


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#270658 - 01/10/09 08:20 AM Re: Please help! [Re: riz]
nathan555 Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 230
Loc: Australia
Sadwife
just encourage him on the journey
and assure him of your support
that will be so releasing and empowering

my wife empowered me

but he does need to talk with men who understand

Nathan

_________________________
5 depending on God's grace gives hope
6 my dark side , my hurt inner being my struggle
8 looking to the day of overcomming

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#270678 - 01/10/09 10:44 AM Re: Please help! [Re: nathan555]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 858
Loc: washington
sadwife,

I'll have to agree with what Joel said. Notice I chose my words carefully and didn't use the word confront in my reply (as it is a HARD word).

I believe there is more to resolve other than the nine porn sites. (lack of intimacy for one).

I remember how fragile I was with my ex wife (she was so unsupportive and toxic to my recovery-but I digress)

I'm sure discussing this isn't going to be easy. I feel that (the fact that your his wife) you deserve answers. At the same time (I feel) if you come in with a demanding stance, I believe he will just shut down.

I hope it goes well and am glad you are so supportive. (as is my new girlfriend).

As a side note: I look at my recovery as more of a marathon and less of a sprint. (I set the pace - I'm sure you can see why).


Toy Soldiers (Martika)

island









Edited by 1islandboy (01/10/09 08:26 PM)
Edit Reason: more random thoughts
_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#270835 - 01/11/09 03:58 PM Re: Please help! [Re: 1islandboy]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
sadwife,

Just a word of caution if I may. Many wives and partners find it difficult to distinguish between being supportive and trying to manage their husbands recovery. Support is good and desirable. Attempted management on the other hand is pretty much always a bad plan and eventually terribly resented by the survivor.

A couple of examples from my personal experience if I may.

Early in my recovery, even before I had been to a therapist, my wife and I found ourselves stopping alongside the road at a Motel 6 in Petaluma California in the middle of the night. It had been a long day of traveling and we were to exhausted to look for a more upscale place to stay. We slept hard and in the morning as we were lying in bed the enormity of my loss due to the sexual abuse. I began to weep uncontrollably. It was loud, wet, and extended. She held me and whispered soothingly to me the while. When I finally wound down she said something like this to me:

"I don't understand the the grief but I recognize that it's very real. I just want you to know I believe you and love you for who you are no matter what's happened."

As time progressed I understandably turned inward while I processed the overload of emotions and information flooding my being. She began to feel alone and neglected due to the fact that I was hardly able to take care of myself let alone try to meet her needs as well.

Understandably this caused her a good deal of frustration which manifested itself in such things as being very critical of me in our couples counseling sessions, pushing me to read books at a pace I was unable to absorb the content, and setting a timetable for my recovery.

She thought she was being helpful, I think, in some of this activity but it only served to drive a wedge between us for quite some time. Many couple find their relationship falling on the rocks and breaking up when this happens. Thankfully our relationship has been strong enough to this point to withstand the storm.

The point is that you're a victim of our abusers as well. It's not an easy road you travel and it's fraught with unseen dangers you have no idea how to negotiate. Certainly if you can do some work with a qualified, competent therapist it would not hurt, but make sure you're with one who's committed to working with you within the parameters of your relationship rather than one who is a divorce facilitator. While I'll acknowledge there are times when divorce is the right course of action, there are many counselors out there who seem to be working out their own relationship frustrations through their clients. Be careful!



_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#271594 - 01/16/09 03:33 PM Re: Please help! [Re: WalkingSouth]
sadwife11 Offline


Registered: 01/08/09
Posts: 9
Wow, thank you all so much for what you've shared...I didn't look at this site for several days because I was aggravated the last time i posted.

Today is the big day...I understand the word "confront" is a bad trigger and has the wrong connotations. I certainly always knew despite my emotions about all of the "evidence" i have found, I knew I wanted to approach him safely and with love because the reason I am so hurt is purely because I love him so much, I feel betrayed, and I fear losing our life together too. But this week I sought out a grueling therapy session for myself and I can't say it was helpful,yet, but what I did get out of it was that maybe writing down my feelings in a letter would help, whether I gave it to him or not. Well I decided to do that and figured that if i used a letter to reach out to my husband he could read it in private, have some time to react, and then we could face eachother and go from there. My letter was about our intimacy issues and about the evidence of his attraction for men. Nonjudging and open to talking together. Well, today is that day. I left it in his car, He read it and called me scared and frantic, fearful I was leaving him...I told him to be calm, I loved him and that I wasn't going anywhere.

I know as his wife, I have rights to know what I know and I have suffered a betrayal, the depths of which I don't know but the reality looks pretty bad right now. (i invested in spyware and found emails from my husband to men on craigslist and gay porn meet up sites soliciting sexual acts back and forth. these are all dated from 11/05 right up until the month we met in 3/07 . It's pretty incriminating and if he is attracted to men and has been with men in the past, I don't know how we'll be able to recover from that.)

Anyway, now I wait to talk and cry with him face to face later, hopeful we can find a path through this to walk on together...


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#271596 - 01/16/09 04:18 PM Re: Please help! [Re: sadwife11]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Congratulations to you! You've had a major breakthrough, you must be very proud. And if by chance you aren't, you should be.

I'm not sure if I recommended this site to you or not http://jimhopper.com/

It's a lengthy read to be sure, but well worth it. It describes in detail some of the common impacts of male CSA and why many heterosexual men act out with other men.

I don't know your husband and I'm not making a judgement call here as you may very well be right in your fears about his true sexual orientation, however if we were to poll the membership here (which we won't) as to how many of the guys have battled or are still battling same sex attraction while knowing full well that they are not homosexual, approximately seven out of ten would raise their hand. It is a common adult sympton of male childhood sexual abuse.

So why the lack of intimacy if he knows himself to be heterosexual? Amongst other reasons is that of feeling so unworthy, unclean, of the woman he loves that he would prefer to avoid her than to face what he perceives to be his own inadequacy.

If your husband looks you in the eye and affirms his heterosexuality, you can believe him.

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#271625 - 01/16/09 09:47 PM Re: Please help! [Re: joelRT]
sadwife11 Offline


Registered: 01/08/09
Posts: 9
Wow Joel,

I must tell you...your email has brought me more peace and more hope than you could ever know....your email may have been the sole reason I found myself here at all. This has been the hardest week of my life and your email has brought a "light in the darkness." I can't know yet, but I hope my husband and I can find it together because I know his darkness right this minute must seem bleak as well.

Reading this now, and planning to go home to face my husband in an hour and a half, I have a renewed sense of purpose and strength...

Thank you so much for that...your insight has been so helpful you cannot know...


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#272834 - 01/27/09 06:25 AM Re: Please help! [Re: sadwife11]
roxanne Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/22/08
Posts: 16
I agree with what Joel said, that you can believe him if he says he is heterosexual. You can also believe him if he says he loves you and your kids. However, he may never stop the behaviours: seeking out men for sex, porn etc. Or he might. He may lie to you about his activities and continue them. This is the part that every wife has to look at: I love him, he loves me, but can I live with his choices?


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