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#270431 - 01/08/09 08:44 PM Please help!
sadwife11 Offline


Registered: 01/08/09
Posts: 9
I am drastically looking for info. I really don't know if this is the right place to go for help, and if not, I apologize in advance. I have recently discovered/figured out/realized that my husband is gay. I don't think anyone knows. I found some gay porn sites on our compute and some sites that solicit male sex. I have no idea if he has ever "done anything". I doubt it because he is home with us all the time. I have done some research and our lack of intimacy, distant sex life, and the gay porn I found really seem pretty clear. I have tried to strength our intimacy with love, attraction and sex, and this never goes anywhere. I feel like I am his roommate. I cried myself to sleep on our honeymoon since we had sex like once. So many nights I have done the same...our bed feels cold, he never reaches for me. I love him so much and need help from anyone who can counsel me on what I need to know about confronting him. PLEASE HELP!! I love him so much and want for us to figure out what to do together...I want him to be happy, but I know that I can't survive the intimate distance we have and it's worse now that I know why it exists. Does anyone have any experience in dealing with this? We've been married just over a year and he adopted my 5 yr old and I just delivered twin sons on 10/17/08...I feel like my life is over...


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#270432 - 01/08/09 08:54 PM Re: Please help! [Re: sadwife11]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Sadwife,

For as odd as this will sound, none of what you state affirms that your husband is Gay. I agree with that it may seem to indicate that he is, but we the men of MS know all to well what it is to experience, well into adulthood, sexual identity confusion. I AM NOT implying that your husband may be a former CSA victim. I am only telling you that the lack of sexual intimacy and Gay porn on the computer can quite easily be attributed to sexual identity confusion which in itself could have any number of multiple causes.

The only way you going to know for sure what is going on with him and why it is that he does not respond to your advances is to talk to him. None of us can speak in his stead.

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#270433 - 01/08/09 09:14 PM Re: Please help! [Re: joelRT]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 862
Loc: washington
Sadwife,

There is not alot I can add to what Joel said, other than agree with his position.

On the how to confront...(Disclaimer:I'm not a therapist)...but I would say slow, steady and compassionate would be my approach when discussing this with husband.

Best of luck with this.

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#270434 - 01/08/09 09:18 PM Re: Please help! [Re: joelRT]
sadwife11 Offline


Registered: 01/08/09
Posts: 9
Do you have any insight on how I should approach this delicate subject with him? I know how painful this is. I truly want him to know I won't judge...we just have so much happening and I need honesty about this...my heart has been so sad due to our lack of intimacy and if it is all for nothing because he is fantasizing about men...I don't know how to move forward with that. I have always felt he was "shy" but in light of our year of marriage and deteriorating sex life and now finding 8 porn sites on the computer that were set up as password protected...what can I think? I don't know how to help him...

I really appreciate your reply...I really don't want to be a trigger for anyone...truly I mean that...I just can't keep pretending everything is ok. I have chosen tomorrow night to confront him and I want some honest opinions on how I can do it gently, with love so he feels safe.


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#270435 - 01/08/09 09:19 PM Re: Please help! [Re: sadwife11]
sadwife11 Offline


Registered: 01/08/09
Posts: 9
thanks for that, island....that's all I have to go on at this point and I really want it to be that way...I am so afraid he will get freaked out and defensive...


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#270443 - 01/08/09 10:19 PM Re: Please help! [Re: sadwife11]
riz Offline


Registered: 10/07/08
Posts: 123
hi sadwife,

have you read through the posts on this website? there is one in "family and friend" written not too long ago about possible reasons for your husband looking at gay porn.

when my husband told me he had been abused as a child i thought that was horrible and i felt very bad for him. i did not know about this website, nor did i have any information at all on the subject.

the next few months were awful. he was feeling awful, probably totally scared and confused because of the realization that he had been abused. he completely withdrew, hardly speaking to me, or angry, impossible to reason with. i had no idea what was going on so i would try everything i knew to get him to open up. this made it worse because he didn't even really know what was going on with himself, never mind trying to explain it to me. i was crying all the time and he felt even worse because he saw how terrible i was feeling and he was in no condition to help me.

learn as much as you can from this website before you speak to him. please don't think you are going to sit down tomorrow night and have a nice, rational discussion with him and get this "all figured out". i guess that might happen (i hope so) but if he has been abused and has not admitted it, or has not even realized it, you are right. it is very possible he will get freaked out. he may not be ready to talk about it. he may deny it.

whatever you do or say, i would be very careful to not sound like you are accusing him or blaming him, only telling him your concerns and giving him an opportunity to talk if he wants to. maybe someone else has a better idea of how to go about it. my best advice is to inform yourself as much as possible.

advice that i'm sure you will see over and over in the other posts is to consider findng a therapist for yourself. regardless of what's happening with your husband, YOU seem very unhappy and it might benefit you to have support.

my best to you and your family,

riz


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#270444 - 01/08/09 10:23 PM Re: Please help! [Re: riz]
sadwife11 Offline


Registered: 01/08/09
Posts: 9
can you tell me what post you are referring to? I really want as much info as I can get, here, but I feel like I am the one hiding something now being at home with all of this flying around in my head, pretending everything is ok.

i am hoping that perhaps my husband and i can go to counseling together...but i feel at a loss of finding a counselor that could help us with this delicate situation...


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#270450 - 01/08/09 10:36 PM Re: Please help! [Re: riz]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
Hi Sad:

I'm not going to add much to what has already been said. Its good advice. I do wish to add however that years ago, my wife asked me if I was abused or assaulted. I denied it because I wasn't yet ready to admit to myself, let alone anyone else, including my wife, that I was in fact abused or assaulted. I wasn't ready. She knows now, and its such a relief. I just wish I could have been more honest with her way back when.

Just so you know. Hang in there.
Jim

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

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#270452 - 01/08/09 10:57 PM Re: Please help! [Re: Geeders]
riz Offline


Registered: 10/07/08
Posts: 123
hi again,

the post was "he says he's not gay", under family and friends.

i'm so sorry you are feeling alone in this. please keep coming back to this site. trust me i know what it is like to suddenly not have the person closest to you that you can confide in. you may not have him for an ally right now, so you must find ways to take care of yourself. coming here is a good first step.

riz


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#270453 - 01/08/09 11:05 PM Re: Please help! [Re: riz]
sadwife11 Offline


Registered: 01/08/09
Posts: 9
thank you so much for your encouragement and support. I feel like everything i thought I knew is gone...I really want to understand...and I love him so much...I just can't fathom losing him...but on the same note, if he needs something I can't give, and I need something from him that he doesn't possess for me then we are both getting cheated out of happiness... I really hope I can find the strength and the wisdom to talk to him for my sanity, and that he can open up to me to try and rescue himself...He is the greatest guy to me and my sons.


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