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#270386 - 01/08/09 02:23 PM The Cave
lars3229 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/03/08
Posts: 800
Loc: Iowa
The cave

I used to think it was a place,
To take a break and hide.
A place to just relax and take
A deep breath inside.

My cave has always been there
When I just could not deal,
With all the stuff bottled up,
When life just wasnít real.

Iíve learned so much, though,
Since last I was there,
Itís really just my true home,
To live in true despair.

Every time I open up,
Let my feelings flow,
I push away those I love,
Give them nowhere to go.

Iím tired of being such a burden,
Something they want to ignore.
And so into my cave Iíll go,
To bother them no more.

I hate this life Iím living in,
The hand that Iíve been dealt.
How could he take so much away?
He hit below the belt.

I try to talk, to let it out,
But when I do I see,
All I do is hurt my friends,
Theyíre glad they arenít me.

I know this pain I have inside,
Hurts me so much more,
But harm a friend once again?
My pain Iíll instead ignore.

Iím sick of talking, sick of crying,
Healing just plain sucks.
I just canít seem to find a way,
To not just run amuck.

For 20 years Iíve stayed inside,
Hiding from reality,
Whatís 20 more all alone?
Itís just where I should be.

And so, my friends, I bid farewell,
To memories galore,
Back to my cave I will go,
To burden you no more.

lars3229
January 09

_________________________
You may trod me
in the very dirt
But still,
like dust,
I'll rise.

-Maya Angelou

"I quite often remember to forget these sorts of things."
-Winnie the Pooh, The Tigger Movie

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#270420 - 01/08/09 07:48 PM Re: The Cave [Re: lars3229]
Happy Birthday Derdlecar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1314
Loc: Ogden Utah, USA
Lars,

You are not a burden to me.

Darrel

_________________________
If a man would get his life on track, he must first go back to the place where it was derailed.

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#270425 - 01/08/09 08:05 PM Re: The Cave [Re: Derdlecar]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11046
Loc: Denver, CO
I encourage you to stick around, Lars. You are in good company. As for "healing sucks," it can in some ways. But without feeling the pain of the hurt, how can healing progress? Why not hurt with others who understand that hurt?

Andy

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#270451 - 01/08/09 10:52 PM Re: The Cave [Re: lars3229]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
If you go, Lars (K), I'll miss you.

Please, reconsider.

I have a question before you go, if you insist on going.

Who is the little one on your shoulder, and has their hand healed ok? I hope who ever it is, he or she is feeling better.

I hope you feel better soon. I really do. I see so much of me in you. You've helped me to not feel so alone. Thanks.

Jim

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

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#270491 - 01/09/09 07:43 AM Re: The Cave [Re: Geeders]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Ken,

So many guys here will understand exactly how you feel, my friend. But isn't that the point? You aren't alone, and the problem is sure to be an abuse issue and not a personal flaw of character unique to you.

I can tell you from my own long experience that isolating doesn't help. The decision of whether to stay or go is of course yours, but I'm with Andy. Why not hang around with others who know what you're feeling, guys you can talk to and know you won't be judged?

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#270529 - 01/09/09 01:54 PM Re: The Cave [Re: roadrunner]
GentleSoul Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/05/07
Posts: 236
Loc: Manhattan
Great poem Lars. I agree with the guys here. Stick around for a bit. Don't take off yet. Dude, you have so much to offer man! Like I mean you can be a good help to others and stuff... Besides, if you're going to a cave, I'd like to come too. At least you won't be alone and we can go exploring and stuff!! Yeah!!! We can build a fort or a base or maybe even a bat cave! I'll be Batman and you can be Robin or Alfred. But dude, that would be so awesome!

_________________________
I can finally admit I pretend to say and do nice things so people will think I'm a standout guy.

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#270901 - 01/11/09 11:13 PM Re: The Cave [Re: GentleSoul]
lars3229 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/03/08
Posts: 800
Loc: Iowa
Thank you all for the support.
I'm in a difficult point of my recovery right now and need some time to think. It's not easy recovering alone and for me, right now, that's the situation I am in. Not by anyone's doing but my own, but nonetheless, a difficult place for me.
There are no support groups here (that I or my T have found), no friends to turn to and a lack of a real support network.
So for me, isolation isn't necessarily a choice, rather the hand I have to play the game with.

_________________________
You may trod me
in the very dirt
But still,
like dust,
I'll rise.

-Maya Angelou

"I quite often remember to forget these sorts of things."
-Winnie the Pooh, The Tigger Movie

Top
#270914 - 01/12/09 12:27 AM Re: The Cave [Re: lars3229]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
Sorry we couldn't connect up earlier. I do hope you are ok.

Your poem really got to me. It speaks of lonliness, and despair. God awful, heart wrenching pain and despair. Feelings I am all too familiar with. The pits we find ourselves in, too often they are devouring us. The blackness, all encompassing.Never seeming to surface for air. The suffocation of silence is deafening. That silent cry. Jesus, I wish I had no familiarity with the feelings. But I do.

I really do hope you are ok Lars, (K).

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

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#271133 - 01/13/09 05:24 PM Re: The Cave [Re: Geeders]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Lars,

Please don't go.

I know exactly how you feel.I too know that feeling of total isolation and loniliness. That as much as I put my hand out there for help. In the end all I find is that I am grasping at air.
That is why I have been posting alot lately about why is there not more support for us survivors. Where are those who have come before us? Where is the hope? Where is the help?
It is as if we all ship wreck survivors just trying to stay afloat not wanting to be alone but just don't get too close.
How can we heal if we won't get close. Where is the hug? Where is the touch? Where are the others so we can have some hope.

I too am questioning as you are now seem to have decided if M/S is the place to heal. But as I look about what other choice is there but here.

Lars you are not alone.
I am here.
I sure could use a friend.

Mike




Edited by michael banks (01/13/09 05:42 PM)
_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#271623 - 01/16/09 09:25 PM Re: The Cave [Re: michael banks]
christianfather Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/04/08
Posts: 116
Loc: TN
This is exactly how I have felt for the past 6 months and haven't been able to find the words to say it. Beautiful poem.


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#271849 - 01/18/09 08:36 PM Re: The Cave [Re: christianfather]
lars3229 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/03/08
Posts: 800
Loc: Iowa
I've had a long five-day weekend away from everything and really appreciate all your comments and words of support. The cave still is awfully inviting at times but I know it isn't the answer or solution to everything that's going on in my life right now. My life is upside down but I know it can be turned right-side up again. It's just going to take time, patience and a lot of hard work. Thanks again guys.

peace,

lars

_________________________
You may trod me
in the very dirt
But still,
like dust,
I'll rise.

-Maya Angelou

"I quite often remember to forget these sorts of things."
-Winnie the Pooh, The Tigger Movie

Top
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