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#270227 - 01/07/09 11:18 AM Worthless *possible triggers*
lars3229 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/03/08
Posts: 800
Loc: Iowa
My T took me down the road of worthlessness this week, trying to help me explore the way the feelings from my CSA still impact me today. I actually wrote this last month, not sure why, but it seemed fitting to share now.

-----

You worthless piece of shit,
That’s what he said to me.
And then he struck my face.
I fell down on one knee.

I felt the burning in my cheek,
It wasn’t his first hit.
But this one hurt the hardest,
Red blood ran through my spit.

He slapped my head again,
Making sure that I stayed down.
I felt my neck start hurting,
The pain forced me to the ground.

Get up, you worthless ass,
Take it like a man.
I closed my eyes and tasted,
I wish I would have ran.

He hit my head again,
Then made me face the wall.
I felt his hand again on me,
I wanted just to ball.

My pain would soon be over,
I told myself inside.
Instead he wanted more,
To take me for a ride.

I bit down hard on my tongue,
And prayed he wouldn’t get
The thrill he so hard sought,
My jaw was firmly set.

He pushed his hardest,
Then whaled on me again.
He said he planned to take me
Where I'd never been.

And then at last it stopped,
All I could do was sit.
And think of how he called me,
A worthless piece of shit.

So long you piece of shit,
He said, turning then to leave.
He left me there alone,
At last to mourn and grieve.

lars3229
December 2008

_________________________
You may trod me
in the very dirt
But still,
like dust,
I'll rise.

-Maya Angelou

"I quite often remember to forget these sorts of things."
-Winnie the Pooh, The Tigger Movie

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#270229 - 01/07/09 11:32 AM Re: Worthless *possible triggers* [Re: lars3229]
ttoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 977
lars,


Thank you...that, is very cool.

Thank you for sharing it, I am glad you brought it back. smile

Because my experiences seem similiar, may I ask, how able were we to mourn and grieve? Knowing at any moment he would come back?

Thank you...that is great...


Dave

_________________________
checkin out for a few weeks... whistle
02/07/09

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#270242 - 01/07/09 01:38 PM Re: Worthless *possible triggers* [Re: ttoon]
wes-b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 438
Loc: Western, Canada

Whoa, that touches a deep chord. Thanks for sharing that Lars.

A month back... interesting, that was when I fell into the "pit of despair" (thx Princess Bride), where I wallowed in self hatred and felt truly valueless. Thank God for guiding me out of it.

Love and best wishes;

Your brother, Wes

_________________________
Happy to be a recovering survivor. :-)

Continuing to meet more of my fellows as I "Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny".

My Story, 1st pass

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#270319 - 01/07/09 10:22 PM Re: Worthless *possible triggers* [Re: wes-b]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Ken,

That's a powerful piece of work - I hope it helped you. I remember how bad it sucked working on the worthlessness issue with my T. What turned the corner for me was when she asked me, "Larry, can you imagine such a thing as a worthless child?"

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#270366 - 01/08/09 09:31 AM Re: Worthless *possible triggers* [Re: roadrunner]
lars3229 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/03/08
Posts: 800
Loc: Iowa
Larry, Dave, Wes,

Thanks for your thoughts. It does suck to explore the feeling of worthlessness so in-depth, but the poem and the session homework are helping immensely.
There are days, like today, where that feeling is overwhelming, but I can only try to keep plugging along.
Dave, I can't answer your question. I still fear he will come back someday, just for kicks, even though its been 22 years.

lars

_________________________
You may trod me
in the very dirt
But still,
like dust,
I'll rise.

-Maya Angelou

"I quite often remember to forget these sorts of things."
-Winnie the Pooh, The Tigger Movie

Top
#270373 - 01/08/09 10:50 AM Re: Worthless *possible triggers* [Re: lars3229]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
wow! here is recovery at it's most intense! thanks for sharing, for bringing us back to our own feelings, so we can check them again, and maybe prune a little bit more of these ruthless creeping vines that insidiously silently choke our very lives.

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#270418 - 01/08/09 07:30 PM Re: Worthless *possible triggers* [Re: Sans Logos]
Derdlecar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1314
Loc: Ogden Utah, USA
lars,

Your poem hit a tender spot in me. You are a courageous man my friend.

Darrel

_________________________
If a man would get his life on track, he must first go back to the place where it was derailed.

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#271857 - 01/18/09 09:20 PM Re: Worthless *possible triggers* [Re: Derdlecar]
lars3229 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/03/08
Posts: 800
Loc: Iowa
It's amazing how these feelings come flooding back after such a wonderful weekend. I spent a lot of time healing over the past several days, really felt good about myself, but then just like that, with no warning, the feelings come rushing back in.
It's not easy, but it really is two steps forward, one step back.
Thanks for the words of support guys.

lars

_________________________
You may trod me
in the very dirt
But still,
like dust,
I'll rise.

-Maya Angelou

"I quite often remember to forget these sorts of things."
-Winnie the Pooh, The Tigger Movie

Top
#273030 - 01/28/09 08:23 PM Re: Worthless *possible triggers* [Re: lars3229]
lars3229 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/03/08
Posts: 800
Loc: Iowa
I keep coming back to this poem, it seems to really speak to so many things in my life lately.
I am amazed how many feelings are wrapped up in "worthlessness" and how easy it is to fall into a trap of thinking I'm worthless just because something isn't the way I want it to be, or someone's unhappy with me, or I said the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong person.
Worthless. Hmmm. Still working on this one.

lars

_________________________
You may trod me
in the very dirt
But still,
like dust,
I'll rise.

-Maya Angelou

"I quite often remember to forget these sorts of things."
-Winnie the Pooh, The Tigger Movie

Top
#273293 - 01/30/09 07:33 PM Re: Worthless *possible triggers* [Re: roadrunner]
Survivinguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 310
Loc: Colorado
Originally Posted By: roadrunner
What turned the corner for me was when she asked me, "Larry, can you imagine such a thing as a worthless child?"


Wow. Just wow. Thanks.

_________________________
Survivinguy

============================================
I have to survive and I hope to thrive.

Alumni Dahlonega WoR May 2010
Alumni Sequoia WoR March 2012

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#273359 - 01/31/09 10:49 AM Re: Worthless *possible triggers* [Re: Survivinguy]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2435
Loc: TEXAS
Hi Guys,
Pretty powerful post. Yes I was also worthless, it was drilled into my head from the moment that I was born, until my 17th birthday and joined the Air Force. But and it took me until last August to realise that I wasn't worthless, as my T also gave me a list to work on.

I have made my comments on various posts about being worthless, etc.

But the thing that has stuck in my mind lately, is my past voices from hell. I got these messages in a flashback/dream. As I had heard from my sexual abusers that "see WE NEVER TOLD YOU THAT YOU WERE WORTHLESS" just your "mother" did.

And then I sent a letter to HELL,to my "mother".

No there isn't such a thing as a worthless boy, or another human being for that matter.
Heal well my brothers/friends.

Pete (Irishmoose)



Edited by petercorbett (01/31/09 11:07 AM)
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#275723 - 02/17/09 10:14 PM Re: Worthless *possible triggers* [Re: petercorbett]
lars3229 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/03/08
Posts: 800
Loc: Iowa
.



Edited by lars3229 (02/18/09 10:42 AM)
Edit Reason: nevermind
_________________________
You may trod me
in the very dirt
But still,
like dust,
I'll rise.

-Maya Angelou

"I quite often remember to forget these sorts of things."
-Winnie the Pooh, The Tigger Movie

Top
#275726 - 02/17/09 10:16 PM Re: Worthless *possible triggers* [Re: lars3229]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Talk to me - we're friends, no?

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#275831 - 02/18/09 01:27 PM Re: Worthless *possible triggers* [Re: joelRT]
lars3229 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/03/08
Posts: 800
Loc: Iowa
"What turned the corner for me was when she asked me, "Larry, can you imagine such a thing as a worthless child?"
Actually, yes, I can. I was one and still am.

_________________________
You may trod me
in the very dirt
But still,
like dust,
I'll rise.

-Maya Angelou

"I quite often remember to forget these sorts of things."
-Winnie the Pooh, The Tigger Movie

Top
#275836 - 02/18/09 02:11 PM Re: Worthless *possible triggers* [Re: lars3229]
Juni Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 12/10/08
Posts: 502
Loc: Florida, WPB
Lars,

Thank you for being there for me when I needed someone to be on my side.
Caring enough to share your experience and pick someone up even when you’re down yourself is awesome, kind, and self-sacrificing. There are few things more valuable then that.

You are a cool dude and a fine man.

From one damaged soul to another – hang in there, we need each other.

Juni

p.s. PM me anytime.





Edited by Juni (02/18/09 02:12 PM)
Edit Reason: p.s.
_________________________
Today I'm O.K.
One day at a time I make the journey.

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#275864 - 02/18/09 04:51 PM Re: Worthless *possible triggers* [Re: Juni]
lars3229 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/03/08
Posts: 800
Loc: Iowa
I'm glad to have helped. My own recovery, improvements, steps forward, however, are not worth anything -- to me or anyone else.

_________________________
You may trod me
in the very dirt
But still,
like dust,
I'll rise.

-Maya Angelou

"I quite often remember to forget these sorts of things."
-Winnie the Pooh, The Tigger Movie

Top
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