My T took me down the road of worthlessness this week, trying to help me explore the way the feelings from my CSA still impact me today. I actually wrote this last month, not sure why, but it seemed fitting to share now.

-----

You worthless piece of shit,
That’s what he said to me.
And then he struck my face.
I fell down on one knee.

I felt the burning in my cheek,
It wasn’t his first hit.
But this one hurt the hardest,
Red blood ran through my spit.

He slapped my head again,
Making sure that I stayed down.
I felt my neck start hurting,
The pain forced me to the ground.

Get up, you worthless ass,
Take it like a man.
I closed my eyes and tasted,
I wish I would have ran.

He hit my head again,
Then made me face the wall.
I felt his hand again on me,
I wanted just to ball.

My pain would soon be over,
I told myself inside.
Instead he wanted more,
To take me for a ride.

I bit down hard on my tongue,
And prayed he wouldn’t get
The thrill he so hard sought,
My jaw was firmly set.

He pushed his hardest,
Then whaled on me again.
He said he planned to take me
Where I'd never been.

And then at last it stopped,
All I could do was sit.
And think of how he called me,
A worthless piece of shit.

So long you piece of shit,
He said, turning then to leave.
He left me there alone,
At last to mourn and grieve.

lars3229
December 2008

lars,


Thank you...that, is very cool.

Thank you for sharing it, I am glad you brought it back.

Because my experiences seem similiar, may I ask, how able were we to mourn and grieve? Knowing at any moment he would come back?

Thank you...that is great...


Dave

Whoa, that touches a deep chord. Thanks for sharing that Lars.

A month back... interesting, that was when I fell into the "pit of despair" (thx Princess Bride), where I wallowed in self hatred and felt truly valueless. Thank God for guiding me out of it.

Love and best wishes;

Your brother, Wes

Ken,

That's a powerful piece of work - I hope it helped you. I remember how bad it sucked working on the worthlessness issue with my T. What turned the corner for me was when she asked me, "Larry, can you imagine such a thing as a worthless child?"

Much love,
Larry

Larry, Dave, Wes,

Thanks for your thoughts. It does suck to explore the feeling of worthlessness so in-depth, but the poem and the session homework are helping immensely.
There are days, like today, where that feeling is overwhelming, but I can only try to keep plugging along.
Dave, I can't answer your question. I still fear he will come back someday, just for kicks, even though its been 22 years.

lars

wow! here is recovery at it's most intense! thanks for sharing, for bringing us back to our own feelings, so we can check them again, and maybe prune a little bit more of these ruthless creeping vines that insidiously silently choke our very lives.

ron

lars,

Your poem hit a tender spot in me. You are a courageous man my friend.

Darrel

It's amazing how these feelings come flooding back after such a wonderful weekend. I spent a lot of time healing over the past several days, really felt good about myself, but then just like that, with no warning, the feelings come rushing back in.
It's not easy, but it really is two steps forward, one step back.
Thanks for the words of support guys.

lars

I keep coming back to this poem, it seems to really speak to so many things in my life lately.
I am amazed how many feelings are wrapped up in "worthlessness" and how easy it is to fall into a trap of thinking I'm worthless just because something isn't the way I want it to be, or someone's unhappy with me, or I said the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong person.
Worthless. Hmmm. Still working on this one.

lars

Wow. Just wow. Thanks.