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#27012 - 12/09/02 12:15 AM Are we alike, you and I?
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
I cannot explain anything. I want to be loved – but that is just saying it mildly. I ache so badly that I feel I am going to melt. My whole body feels like it is slumping. My muscles, fat and skin are falling off the bone, while my brain swells against the inside of my skull. My throat is dry and sore and my eyes are vibrating angrily.

Can’t I just let it all go? If I could just stop the pain, I would be fine, or at least I would not be in pain, and that has to bear at least a resemblance to fine.

Normal. I deserve normal. But for me, nothing feels like it I understand it. Even if I find an angle on some portion of life as a human, it will be dispelled before I can incorporate it into my being. Maybe the uncertainty of life is a reward for living. Or maybe it is the torture that my unconscious life has inflicted upon me.

I should, I ought to, I wish, I should have, I might have. I have been a bundle of possibilities lost, or squandered.

My third grade report card should have read - “James has potential, but it is alternately fucked, then ignored out of him.”

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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#27013 - 12/09/02 04:22 AM Re: Are we alike, you and I?
Harry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/09/01
Posts: 118
Loc: California
James,

Are we alike, you and I? After reading your post, I'd say yes, but then I thought that telling you so might imply that you were also like me, and I wouldn't want to insult you like that.

Anyways, I can identify with lots of people's posts, but it's a lot harder to believe people when they try to identify with mine. Probably just cause when I make an initial post, I pour out my thoughts freely, and when someone says "ditto", I find it as comforting and empathetic as my reflection in the mirror.

But hey, I feel exactly like you when you said:
"Can’t I just let it all go? If I could just stop the pain, I would be fine, or at least I would not be in pain, and that has to bear at least a resemblance to fine.
Normal. I deserve normal. But for me, nothing feels like it I understand it. Even if I find an angle on some portion of life as a human, it will be dispelled before I can incorporate it into my being."

I'm struggling with not letting go a lot more than I ever have before now. Maybe if I was "normal" I'd have more reason to hang on. Humanity, and the virtues thereof, are not friends of mine; I wish they were. I strive not to strive for the depths of my desperation, but this downhill slope is slick, and climbing is for those stronger-willed than me.

I wish I had some advice for you. All I have is empathy. Enjoy it for what it's worth. My apologies if the fact that someone you don't know shares a similar desperate disposition, or any comfort you might derive from that fact, isn't worth the time you spent reading this reply.

John_

_________________________
In the name of the Anger, and of the Sadness, and of the Unholy Fear. Amen.

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#27014 - 12/09/02 10:54 AM Re: Are we alike, you and I?
JamesMichael Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/24/02
Posts: 134
James,

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. Safe hug.


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#27015 - 12/09/02 12:49 PM Re: Are we alike, you and I?
Chey-Wy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 241
Loc: Cheyenne, WY
Quote:


I want to be loved – but that is just saying it mildly.
Boy can I realte. I was talking to a friend last night. He asked me when was the last time I was in a relationship. I asked him " relationship or steady sex partner" .... there is a difference. I told him that I thought it had been 7 years since I had been in a relationship ( and that was not a 50/50 relationship ... I gave and gave ..... and he took and took) And while I am ashamed to admit it ... I haven't had a steady sex partner for probably 5 years. I want someone to love me. As I used to argue with another member in chat about ... There is a difference between "making love and having sex"

The other day I had a disagrement with my mother. Two years ago we ( mom owns the building and I manage it) hired a furnace contractor to put a new a new furnaces in all of the apartments in the building I live in. It has been two years and, while I have heat, my furnace still is not completly conected. Mom has sympathy for the contractor because he was diagnosed 8 months ago with M S ... and feels that we should "give him a break" I argued with her that I am sick too ..... there just aren't any visable signs. .... her argument back was ... "YOU NEED TO GET OVER IT"

Quote:
I should, I ought to, I wish, I should have, I might have. I have been a bundle of possibilities lost, or squandered.
I look back on my life. I was between my Junior and Senior year of college when my first two S A's occured. Things were going great. I had a new car that I had paid cash for. I was in a partnership with my parents and owned a two unit apartment house. Things were going great.

Well after the S A it took me two years to finally graduate from college. I had to sell the house. I drove that car for 8 years until the repair bills every month were more than a car payment would have been. Now I live in a small two bedroom apartment ... I drive an 8 year old pickup with 111,000 miles. My meds., therapy, and Pshchiatrist cost me close to $1,000/ month.

Oh the would's, should's, could's, The IF's.

Yes we are alike. It is amazing how something can change your life.... Change your life forever.

Wishing all my brothers the best,

John

_________________________
From the Song MOUNTAINS by Lonestar.

Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains,
So we could learn how to climb

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#27016 - 12/09/02 05:00 PM Re: Are we alike, you and I?
Don-NY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/06/02
Posts: 546
Loc: Long Island, NY
Cement,
James,

We are alike. It's true. But does this help?

I recently gave this advice to a young man (24) who was in a car accident and has permanent injuries. I couldn't have, if I didn't beleive it about my self.

"Your life wasn't ruined, it was altered."

We talked more, and we both cried, but I left him feeling that he could go on.

Just as we will go on.

Whether by Divine plan, or random chance, the one thing, maybe the only thing any of us can truly depend on and beleive in is Life.

I have thought about this for decades, and I have decided that God is Life, and I have total Faith in Life.

The uncertainty of Life is not a reward or a torture. It is, ironically, probably the only certainty of Life. That and the fact that someday it will be over.

Until then, you can think of Life as a Joy or a Job. A gift or a test. The feelings go back and forth. When I feel that it is a job or a test, then that is when my Faith is strongest.

Emerson, Lake, and Palmer once sang:
Quote:
You see it's all clear,
You were meant to be here.
I hope this helps somehow.

Donald

_________________________
If you understand everything, some things are just as they are. If you understand nothing, things are still just as they are.

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#27017 - 12/09/02 06:07 PM Re: Are we alike, you and I?
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
Thaks, yoou guys. I will write more when I can think a little better.

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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