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#269937 - 01/05/09 10:17 AM Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it?
nonchalant Offline


Registered: 11/17/08
Posts: 42
Loc: Northern Ireland, UK
After a year of constant debate over my sexuality, i am now virtually certain that i am bisexual. A lot of people have told me how bisexuality is a gift and gives you the ability to judge people on their inner selves instead of whether they have a penis or a vagina, but to me it is almost like a scizophrenia of the mind. It is like i have 2 personalities and i just do not know how to live a normal life

I constantly debate over what way i should live my life. Should i repress my homosexual side and live solely as heterosexual? Should i repress my hetero side and live as a gay man? How can i have relationships when i might begin to crave the other sex and really hurt my partner? I feel like a complete misfit who isn't straight enough to be straight but isn't gay enough to be gay. I also have the usual "what if bisexual doesn't exist and i'm actually gay?" thoughts quite frequently, but i know i am attracted to women in a much more substantial way than just finding them aesthetically attractive or whatever

So to any bisexuals reading this, how did you learn to cope and integrate it into your life? It seems virtually impossible for me. I have been in a heterosexual relationship for a year and love her incredibly, so i have no wish to end this relationship



Edited by nonchalant (01/05/09 10:18 AM)

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#269941 - 01/05/09 11:15 AM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: nonchalant]
Juni Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 12/10/08
Posts: 502
Loc: Florida, WPB
Hi nonchalant,

I have battled this question for years and I know I am bisexual. However, I choose to live as a heterosexual because I met someone who is incredible and I love.

Because we have an affinity for both sexes it is not unusual to be torn between the two, but it is no different than a heterosexual who will be attracted to someone else he meets, we just have attractions to both sexes.

It boils down to choice. We make a choice and stick with it. It does not matter if you are gay, bi, or hetero, we have the potential to be faithful or not. Just because we are bi does not mean it gives us the right to be unfaithful. Remember life is about relationships and if we care about someone we guard that relationship and honor it by being faithful, the same as everyone else.

We can and will forever play the what if game, but if we are true to our partners and ourselves our life will be a bit easier. If our partners know we are bisexual then they will know how to please us and what to guard against. My wife knows and thus makes an effort to please me that "special way," she also knows not to trust a man or woman that may seem overly interested in me. I can be strong but have my weak moments so this has helped me and I know she loves me when she helps me to be strong.

It was not easy to come out to my wife. It happened a bit at a time as I asked her to make some adjustments in our sexual activity. It was well worth it. Otherwise you can just imagine the havoc it would cause if I was caught acting out on my impulses.

I hope some of this helps.

Juni





Edited by Juni (01/05/09 11:19 AM)
_________________________
Today I'm O.K.
One day at a time I make the journey.

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#270170 - 01/06/09 10:42 PM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: Juni]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
Thanks Juni, that helped me too. I understand Nonchalant's point. Sometimes I read things from bisexuals, and they make bisexuality sound like the best thing ever, the bee's knees: Men offer certain pleasures, women offer certain pleasures: Why go through life with one hand tied behind your back?

Unfortunately, that has not been my experience. For example, I'm strongly attracted to a woman in my office. Some days we're so close. It feels almost magical. Some days, I resent her. I feel like I can't be with her, so what's the point of even talking to her. I'm angry because she has a boyfriend, and I wonder if she's only flirting with me because she likes to tease me. I'm angry at myself, because I'm making her think I like her, when I don't believe it will work. She notices. Yesterday, she slapped me on the back of the head and yelled at me for avoiding her.

Bisexuality has provided me far more torment than happiness. When I'm talking to a man, I wish I were talking to a woman. When I'm talking to woman, I have no faith that a relationship would be successful.

I also question the enthusiasm of some bisexuals. I met one at a bar who proudly extolled the virtues of bisexuality. However, he looked and sounded like a complete sleaze. He belonged to a social group for people who don't believe in monogamy. I met two other "proud" bisexuals, and both were drug addicts.

But you make your marriage sound like any other. There are obstacles, but you overcome them together. You adjust. You accept each other. You know it's important to be faithful. Thanks for giving me some hope. Of course, I named myself after a David Bowie song (The Bewlay Brothers) so I always knew there were a few cool bisexuals out there.


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#270309 - 01/07/09 09:51 PM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: Bewlayb1]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 858
Loc: washington
Nonchalant,

The problem is if your not into polymory and desire to be with someone in a commited relationship it can get complicated fast.For instance, when should the tweener topic come up?

I am told that CSA does not effect your sexual orientation,i.e changing you from being straight to gay and vice versa. I might buy into that...but am not at all firmly convinced that it doesn't somehow throw you into "the middle of altered states".Obviously I cannot prove how I feel,because my sexuality has been short circuited from normal development.

HOW does one integrate or cope? My answer is going to be Honest,Open and Willing...(which is my answer to almost anything).

Can you see, The Real Me? (Wasp)

island



_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#271761 - 01/17/09 10:20 PM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: Bewlayb1]
nevragan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/22/08
Posts: 907
Loc: NC
I understand where you are coming from. I have a strong attraction to women but haven't figured out what to do with them when they get close enough. I feel like a dog that got a new bone and has no idea what to do with it. I have had women flirt with me and have been completely oblivious to what was going on. Sometimes I'll be aware it is happening but don't have a clue as to what to do at that point. I have also had guys flirt but have had that red flag go up immediately like this is not going to work. It's confusing to me. I feel like I was meant for the third sex that doesn't exist. Women are confusing to me and men seem to be out of the question as to anything happening. It's really frustrating to see other people enjoying a relationship together and feeling like your on a different level. If this makes no sense to anyone, now you have an idea how I feel. I would like to believe I will find someone but the other part of me wants to run away, stay single and not even think about it. I know being raped had an effect on being close or trying to be close to people. For now, I'll just put it on the back burner again.


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#271806 - 01/18/09 12:49 PM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: nevragan]
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Hey guys,

I have felt mant aspects of sexuality over the last year or so and I truly understand why there is no black and white here. I was with a woman on Friday and felt extremely attracted to her, I have been for awhile and even dated her for awhile. I have had realtions with this woman before and that night we did also. It seems that whenever I do act on my sexual feelings for this girl shortly after maybe 1 to 3 days I get the feeling that I should create distance between us. I have been friends with her for some time and on so many occasions I have felt the need for more between us but when I do act I feel overwhelmed with emotion the days after and I begin to question my sexuality all over again.

The feeling I get is exactly what Bewlayb1 explained, like it won't work so I must end it quickly and go back to doing nothing. It feels as though I am bound to being a witness to my own feelings.

I like this girl alot and I want things to work but at the same time I don't want to live with a feeling of dread hanging over me. Taking action and following my feelings leads to confusion in this area. I can so identify with what has been said her.

_________________________
I am the warrior.

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#271838 - 01/18/09 05:54 PM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: Letourski]
nathan555 Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 230
Loc: Australia
personally bi just explains my confused feelings
I don't want to go there
but find it describes the pulls on my emotions

I am struggling to deal with it

my understanding is

it was attractive to compatmentalise my hetro side and my dark side
but that failed as the dark side just spilt all over everything

I believe I was created for hetro sex

but messed up by abuse and its insane and evil triggers

that take me where I do not want to go

to places I am drawn buy denied in the past it was gay sexual desire

and which I regret

but still struggling with it

as my sexuality is raw from sa

so I don't enjoy any sex

I am just too raw

too much conflict between pain and pleasure

both triggered at once

Nathan 5

_________________________
5 depending on God's grace gives hope
6 my dark side , my hurt inner being my struggle
8 looking to the day of overcomming

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#276083 - 02/19/09 05:02 PM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: nathan555]
siranthonysghost Offline


Registered: 11/16/08
Posts: 24
Loc: Hawaii
Haven't posted in a while, but this particular thread was one that really poked me in the ribs so to speak. I have wrestled with the my sexual identity for the better part of a decade and I have only just recently been able to accept the fact that I am sexually attracted to both sexes.

I spent a lot of time acting out and trying to recreate my SA from when I was a child (which was always with older males) So for the longest time I thought the feelings I had were a result of the abuse. each time I would act out would be both comforting and familiar as well as triggering painful memories and causing me to sink deeper into that black pit of shame and self hatred. Any feelings I ever had towards other men as I grew up were things I feared and tried to reject. I sometimes felt that I had to force myself into heterosexual relationships and make them work just so I could prove to myself that I wasn't "a gay".

A few months back my T asked me to practice accepting myself completely. I told him I didn't think that was possible because there were aspects of my sexuality that I didn't think were healthy, specifically the sexual attraction I had for men I felt was a byproduct of my SA. And I concede that they still might be, but there is not much I can do about it now but take back my sexual identity and learn to love it for what it is. I guess this way it takes the hurtful power away from the abuse and allows me to enjoy who I am.

I agree 100% with what Juni said about it boiling down to choice. I am married to the most incredible woman I have ever met, she is my best friend and we are building a more deep and meaningful relationship now that I have been seeking help for my SA issues. I think the "Aha!" moment for me was when I could finally admit to myself that I could probably have a deep, meaningful and happy relationship with another man as well. this was something that always both exhilarated and terrified me.

I think I was always more afraid of pursuing a same sex relation ship more because of the negative social stigmas that are attached to it (my family is very religious and would have a hard time accepting it). My wife and I had a serious talk a while back about whether or not I would be happier in a same sex relationship. I had to give it some brutally honest thought and after carefully examining my feelings I knew that my relationship with her would bring me the most happiness in life. We chose to stay together and work things out. I can honestly say that without taking the time to ask myself the 'hard questions' we would never be able to progress together, it would always be the unanswered question that was hanging in the air.

So how to deal with it? I think we each have to find our own way of finding the joy in our sexuality and taking it back for ourselves. Our SA experiences have robbed us of that and I think it's high time we take it back for ourselves. If you are bi-sexual, then celebrate it! Do the same if you are homosexual or heterosexual. Sexuality is a wonderful gift, and since I have discovered my identity and learned to accept it, and eventually love it I have never felt so free and happy. Isn't that the ultimate "revenge" we can reap on our perps? I almost feel like I am saying to both of them
"You may have caused me to doubt myself, you may have caused me pain and agony and caused me to be ashamed of myself, but no more! I am going to accept myself for who I am today, regardless of what made me that way and be happy! so fuck you! :)"

Sorry this is long, this has been a gigantic step in my road to healing. I don't know if this will be helpful to anyone or not, but i needed to get it out I guess. thanks.


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#276156 - 02/19/09 10:21 PM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: siranthonysghost]
brother2none Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/30/09
Posts: 264
Loc: Undisclosed
It was helpful to me, I am struggling with the same circumstances.

One huge plus for me was when I accepted myself for who I am, part of that was sifting through what is me and what was put on me by others, and what I put on myself wrongly.

I still struggle deeply with the complicity issues of being abused.

So + 1 for me also, for what siranthonysghost has said above.


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#276175 - 02/20/09 01:34 AM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: brother2none]
siranthonysghost Offline


Registered: 11/16/08
Posts: 24
Loc: Hawaii
To go one step further, I decided I was spending too much time thinking about the "what if's" of the past. "what if I had done more to stop it?" "what if I had spoken up?". the what if's would keep me up at night. Learning to let go of them is extremely difficult. But what has happened has happened and can never be changed. I have had to shift my energy from constantly going over the "what if's" and focus on the "what now's"


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#276282 - 02/20/09 10:40 PM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: siranthonysghost]
riveerboy Offline


Registered: 02/04/09
Posts: 84
Loc: Indiana
I have recently gone through some personal things. Bisexuality was a part of it. I feel that I was basically born hetro, but, family and csa had it's energies interjected early. There is no doubt about it.

I came out when I was in my 20s. It was much easier to pursue a gay life style than try to get into the opposite sex, where I had negligible experience. To try to pursue bisexuality was too difficult a thing for me at that time. Just keep to one sex and the relationships have been good.

We survive in this life as best we can at times. I have pursued a healing, more than the opposite sex. Who knows what is in the future.

Good Luck.


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#276508 - 02/21/09 09:54 PM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: riveerboy]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
siranthonysghost,

Glad you are here on MS. Sometimes I think that some of the confusion people feel about their sexuality is tied to their CSA. Working on recovery can alleviate some of that confusion. I know of others who have had that experience where they found that they were attracted to one sex and their attraction to the other was more about their sexual confusion over the abuse suffered at the hands of the other sex.

Keep talking, keep working on recovery.

Peace and love...

Michael


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#276810 - 02/23/09 07:49 PM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: siranthonysghost]
nevragan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/22/08
Posts: 907
Loc: NC
I would like to say that I find more in depth, thoughtful material posted in this forum than in the others. It may be because of people here being more aware of their feelings and are able to express them in a better sense. Anyway, with that said, back to the subject.
I don't classify myself as straight, bi or gay; I'm just me and fit in the middle with everyone else. I'm have had a change in view of others and myself after my T explained her opinion of labels and orientation. She explained to me that we are all on a continuum and are all virtually in the middle. Being gay or straight maybe considered opposites and seen in black and white for some but in reality there really isn't a fine line or wide line to cross to be on one side or the other. There is lots of grey in between which is where the majority of people are. My own opinion is that you be what you feel you are and accept it. Changing it is like working against the grain even if the label makers of society don't like it. I still think that no matter how "straight" one may claim that they are, they most likely have had an attraction to same sex at some point in their life.
For myself, I prefer women but won't lie that I have been attracted to other men. I feel that it is something that is built into us some how. Look at animals for instance and how they are hardwired. Humans aren't too far off in our behavior. I'm not calling all people animals even though sometimes we act like them. To sum it up, labels suck and nobody needs them. Hope some of this made sense, now I'm feeling confused, again.confused


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#276924 - 02/24/09 11:45 AM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: nevragan]
MichaeldR Offline


Registered: 12/02/08
Posts: 36
Loc: South Carolina
Nevragan wrote: I'm just me and fit in the middle with everyone else.

Well, I have never been in the middle. On the Kinsey scale I'm a 6, entirely attracted and entirely experienced only with those of the same gender.

If I were bisexual, I would probably just be single for long enough to get my head together, but be open, kind, and generous to those around me. If and when someone showed interest, if I was attracted to them as well, I would pursue a more intimate relationship with that person. "Love the one you're with".

Best regards,

_________________________
Mike

My mantras:

Easy Does I - - - - - - L o il y a la vie il y a l'espoir.
One Day At A Time - - - L o il y a l'espoir: la vie.
First Things First- - - Where there's life there's hope.
LIVE and Let Live - - - Where there is hope: life.

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#277308 - 02/26/09 01:27 PM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: nonchalant]
overcomer4life Offline


Registered: 02/25/09
Posts: 198
Originally Posted By: nonchalant
I feel like a complete misfit who isn't straight enough to be straight but isn't gay enough to be gay.



MAN....BROTHER.....why do we share the exact same life story!? WOW!


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#277353 - 02/26/09 08:05 PM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: overcomer4life]
nevragan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/22/08
Posts: 907
Loc: NC
This quote makes the most sense to me. It seems to nail the subject on the head. confused


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#277411 - 02/27/09 11:00 AM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: nevragan]
overcomer4life Offline


Registered: 02/25/09
Posts: 198
dude...we have walked in each other's shoes! wow!!!!!!!


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#278121 - 03/03/09 07:56 PM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: siranthonysghost]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 838
Loc: Kc,Mo
all i can say is to be honest with your girlfriend. i am married to my wife and she knows every single thing about me. even my attraction to males. but she supports me and i would not cheat on her with male/or female . the thing is i have been honest from the get go. that way it does not come back to bite you in the ass.
after i told her about the abuse as a kid,i told her about my attraction to other males . she has always supported me from than on. because what is the point in being in a relationship if you can not be yourself or if you can not be honest with each other. good luck man and try not to beat yourself up. bless you man

_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-uYCAfpxrY
TRIGGER WARNING
Video of me telling my story
you are not alone never were
WRITTEN FORM
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=339159#Post339159
Why i hate Religion but love Jesus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDGYlpqY

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#280142 - 03/20/09 01:37 AM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: nonchalant]
ramp2 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/11/04
Posts: 1
Loc: Boston
I'm not sure this helps your situation nonchalant, but I've found that bisexual women, if you can find them, can be incredibly healing. They understand the predicament and together you can fully accept your desires.

For about a year now I've been spending time, as friends and lovers, with a wonderfully bisexual, open woman who just gets it, and through our conversations and intimacy I've been able to not only accept, but embrace and find joy in both sides. I'm not fully together, but am on the right path.


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#280145 - 03/20/09 06:08 AM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: ramp2]
myboyhoodfears Offline


Registered: 03/13/09
Posts: 457
.



Edited by myboyhoodfears (08/31/09 03:59 AM)
_________________________
Post Nubilia Pheobus

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#280158 - 03/20/09 11:33 AM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: myboyhoodfears]
nomansanisland Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/09
Posts: 156
Loc: NM
myboyhood fears...too awesome...you have hit the nail on the head..for myself i dont want to be in either world... both have their drawbacks. I hate being so pissy, live and let live isnt' how the world is anymore...i have to commend you on your honesty. blessings , nomansanisland

_________________________
" If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drum. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away." Henry David Thoreau

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#280161 - 03/20/09 12:05 PM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: nomansanisland]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
yea, me 3.

my attractions are toward males [ie i dream about relationships with a person with a functioning penis].

i have one female friend that i am absolutely head over heels in deep admiration of; her spirit is just so precious, but i don't think of trying to please her sexually. i could however live with her as a partner, totally faithful.

i'm just not sure whether it's the penis or the person. i don't know yet.

at least i'm not degrading myself for not having the answer. at least i am open to possibility. my own fear of wrongly using a person as an experiment for solving my own open questions about my sexuality keep me hesitant about initiating any type of relationship. i would not want to hurt them, or use them just to satisfy my own curiosity.

all i know is it does not matter if i met and entered a relationship with a male or a female; certain criteria would have to be in place for me to ensure that i was being authentic.

there would have to be complete disclosure. there would have to be emotional attraction. there would have to be a desire to allow the relationship to define us and transform us into who were were meant to be. i would have to be clear that i was not trying to gain my mother's good graces, or my perp brother's affection.

i wonder if this makes sense to people.

thanks,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#280482 - 03/23/09 01:31 PM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: Sans Logos]
myboyhoodfears Offline


Registered: 03/13/09
Posts: 457
.




Edited by myboyhoodfears (08/31/09 10:47 AM)
_________________________
Post Nubilia Pheobus

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#280528 - 03/23/09 09:23 PM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: myboyhoodfears]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
I know the question was directed toward bisexuals but I just wanted to share my two cents. This is something I'm struggling with in my life at the moment. Am I gay, am I bi, am I straight? I just don't know.

I so agree with Ron and others about not wanting to hurt others feelings or use them to figure out my needs. But I think that is part of what the dating scene helps us find those answers. Aren't we essentially trying people on to see if they fit? I don't mean to sound crude or degrading but we try on clothes at the store to see if they fit.

This may not be the best analogy but I think it works for what we are trying to understand.

I've often allowed this question regarding my sexuality to run my life and I get into the "what ifs?"

Ideally I'd like to be with someone but I don't necessarily know if I would need the sex. I assume though that the sex is important.

I'm also scared myself away from other for just the plain fears of STDs and how rampant they are in our society.

I know the old adage "if it ain't broke don't fix it" could apply to my life. I mean masturbation works for me but I've wondered about the pleasures of intimacy with another individual involved.

Thank you all for allowing me to rant and run on about this topic. Thank you also for starting this topic.

This website seems to be offering me more help than all 3 therapists I used. Thanks guys.

Charlie.


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#280812 - 03/25/09 09:36 PM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: Charlie24]
brother2none Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/30/09
Posts: 264
Loc: Undisclosed
+1 for me also, I agree with this comment...This website seems to be offering me more help than all 3 therapists I used...

But I am aware that I am putting more of myself into my contact with others on MS. Way more honesty and truth that I was willing to do face to face in therapy. I get out what I put in. And I was lying to myself, and hurting myself in the process.


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#283057 - 04/10/09 07:29 AM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: nonchalant]
zenobius1025 Offline


Registered: 04/08/09
Posts: 2
My heart goes out to those men who identify as "bisexual". I know it is hard for you because I went through the "i'm not gay, I'm bisexual" phase of my own coming out process. Admittedly, I do have some bisexual issues of my own. The main thing, is that you have to determine which gender is your "primary" and which is your "secondary." In terms of a marital relationship, I believe that bisexuals do best with an opposite gender bisexual whose "primary" and "secondary" are a match. I have observed that this seems to be the only real sense of balance for bisexuals so that no one gets hurt. From my own experiences, women are really only a turn on to me sexually when I'm doing them with another man. One on one, they are usually repulsive to me but the majority of my closest most intimate friends have almost always been women. I've never understood this and it is something that I have never dealt with with a therapist over the years. One should strive for "balance and harmony" however one may define that for oneself.


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#285656 - 04/28/09 09:39 PM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: nonchalant]
Whicker Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/03
Posts: 117
Loc: Pastures of Oregon
Nonchalant,

I was brought up VERY 'Old School' by all the male 'Father Figures' I had. I was taught all the bad things being gay meant. Being sexually abused starting as a young child (and in some ways I'm not nearly brave enough to share, for fear of the reaction it will cause), by 'Males', made this even more confusing to me.
While I've since learned that physically reacting to the abuse (getting an erection, and sometimes climaxing (dry as a child, regular as an adult), had nothing to do about MY being aroused, that also made me very confused about my sexuality for a long, long time.

I believe I secretly orientated to bisexuality as an adolescent, before I ever knew what that word was ('Sex Ed.' certainly didn't mention anything outside heterosexuality when "I" was in HS!). While I did go on dates with girls, I was never really attracted to either gender, intimately (from the 'Bad' experiences with sex)...

"A lot of people have told me how bisexuality is a gift and gives you the ability to judge people on their inner selves instead of whether they have a penis or a vagina,..."


To me, 'Loving' someone didn't mean a restriction on their gender. It meant loving a person for being themselves. This, along with many other revelations, drew me onto the Pagan Path of Theology I continue to follow (though I study Religion on a regular basis, and find other perspectives enlightening, and fascinating!).

Such a simple definition, but oh, how the majority of the world rails against such things! :: coughcoughhypocritescoughcough::

"It is like i have 2 personalities and i just do not know how to live a normal life"

I would say 'Two Perspectives', and certainly wouldn't degrade, or deny having a 'Normal' life because of it! :-)

"I constantly debate over what way i should live my life. Should i repress my homosexual side and live solely as heterosexual? Should i repress my hetero side and live as a gay man? How can i have relationships when i might begin to crave the other sex and really hurt my partner? I feel like a complete misfit who isn't straight enough to be straight but isn't gay enough to be gay. I also have the usual "what if bisexual doesn't exist and i'm actually gay?" thoughts quite frequently, but i know i am attracted to women in a much more substantial way than just finding them aesthetically attractive or whatever"

Aha!
I've heard that most people who enter into polyamorous relationships (male/male/female, female/female/male), often run into the trouble with jealousy.
All I know is, I just cannot be with a 'Man' in a sexual way, after what happened to me. Yet there are aspects of such contact that I cannot deny.
Here was/is my strategy, for what it might be worth. I dated the female gender growing up and throughout my adult life (the social stigma's of being 'gay/bi' still hobble(d) me, double for the SA endured), but enjoyed fanstasizing about having a Bi relationship. I knew I had found my true SoulMate, when we began to get serious, and I opened-up to her about EVERYTHING... I felt I had to. I didn't want her to become further involved with 'Damaged Goods', as I often thought of myself...
It was the scariest, most stressful moment of my voluntary life.
And she opened-up, and our histories were so similar it was, unreal!
So, we enjoyed each other. We explored, had fun, and when we wanted to 'Fantasize', that was perfectly o.k., too!

I hope this might help you? As scary as it might be, talking with your female Companion openly and honestly is what I would recommend. If she accepts you for 'You', then the two of you have a very special Bond, and hopefully nothing but happiness and sexual freedom will follow?

Whicker

_________________________
Esse Quam Videri
(To be, rather than to seem)

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#285660 - 04/28/09 10:21 PM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: Whicker]
Barney Offline


Registered: 07/31/06
Posts: 236
Loc: Southern Utah/Northern Arizon
Wow, loved this posting. Thought you really clearly stated some of the dynamics many of us face who have similar thoughts and feelings about being bi. Great job. What I also like is that you have connected with your "soul mate" and are experiencing some very significant levels of intimacy and acceptance. Glad for you, gives us lots of hope.

Thanks for sharing

Ron


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#289372 - 05/29/09 12:02 PM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: siranthonysghost]
East Side Truman Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/01/07
Posts: 11
Loc: NYC
Hi All,
I haven't posted in a very long time but this topic speaks so much to the core of my issues. After my abuse ended (when I was almost 20), I started dating women. And lots of them! I thought I was free at last. There was the odd anonymous male encounter, but for the most part I was certain that I had gotten back to my core sexual preference - women. Then I met a woman and became very serious. We were together six years, planned to get married. But it wasn't working. For many reasons, mine and hers. Then I met a man and fell in love. We've been together for ten years. It's mostly great, but always there's that nagging doubt. The SA confuses everything and it makes me so ANGRY. If I was just left alone as an adolescent I would've figure this out. But now there's no hope of "figuring it out." All I can do is remain in the present.

Anyway...thanks for all your posts. I really appreciate the honesty.


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#289671 - 05/31/09 03:14 PM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: East Side Truman]
Roderick Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/29/05
Posts: 22
Loc: California
I haven't posted for awile, but this is a very powerful topic for SA survvors, and I can really relate to all of you.



Peace...


Edited by Roderick (10/30/12 04:38 PM)
_________________________

Roderick

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#291411 - 06/13/09 12:32 PM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: Roderick]
Jaifian Offline


Registered: 05/26/09
Posts: 220
Loc: washington state, USA
I think that abuse can easily become a handy reason to deny one's sexuality. You just say to yourself "Well, I'm not really gay or bi, I'm just confused because of the abuse."

I also think that as long as one is influenced by society's non-acceptance of homosexuality, it will be very difficult to know if that notion is based on fact or bias.

I don't believe that being bisexual means that you can't have a monogamous relationship if you desire one, but neither do I believe that a meaningful relationship necessarily has to be a monogamous one.

I would say that I am in two very meaningful non-monogamous relationships right now with an older man and a younger one and both are a cherished part of my life.

I just think it's bad to limit yourself. I feel that if we survivors in general could spend less time thinking of reasons why we can't have a healthy relationship and more time thinking of reasons we can, we might all do a lot better!--- and that goes for me as well.




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#291555 - 06/14/09 11:31 AM . [Re: siranthonysghost]
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
.


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 07:39 PM)

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#291767 - 06/15/09 08:41 PM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: myboyhoodfears]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 838
Loc: Kc,Mo
Originally Posted By: nonchalant
"I feel like a complete misfit who isn't straight enough to be straight but isn't gay enough to be gay."



this is how i feel right now !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Edited by nltsaved (06/15/09 08:43 PM)
_________________________
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#291937 - 06/16/09 07:45 PM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: nltsaved]
jimmy woods Offline


Registered: 06/15/09
Posts: 5
Loc: unitedstates N.C.
That is good what you said (Ithink its a bad to limit yourself)
that is so very true sexual orientation(Gay,Bi,striaght)is not the issue its what you said its bad to limit yourself if you want a relationship whatever the sex then it all comes down to how bad do you want that are you willing to sacrafice because no relationship is easy I know this from experience a failed one at that because I wanted my cake and to eat it to. Love and commitment comes with prices its 50 50 not80 20 I myself am Bi I have a child of 18 years old and he is in college as you can tell by my spelling that I was a drop out and worked all my life
2 halfs dont equal a whole like in math in realtionships 2 wholes equal 1 marriage if your not a whole person or the mate then the other is carrying part of your load and it might take 5,10 even 20 years but you have to committ all of you to all of them and them to make it life long thats true love which I dont happen to know personaly but Ive been around enough to know the equasion and where I failed that is just my opinion I hope thats allowed here and not to hurt anyone just answering the question the way I see it which is debatable I'm sure


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#292334 - 06/19/09 02:28 PM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: jimmy woods]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Labels are for cans

If we just look at what is attractive in an individual then things would be so much easier. "I'm not in love with guy, girl, bi, etc. Instead, I am in love and attracted to "insert name".

The label really is pointless at that point.

Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#453427 - 11/12/13 07:32 PM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: nonchalant]
jdsrip Offline


Registered: 06/07/12
Posts: 8
It still isnt easy for me. I cant imagine being able to be in a relationship where I cant be with either another man or a woman at the same time. However, I share this really not having made a full on commitment to date same sex (ie. men). I am trying to do this now and am hopeful that this will give me greater insight into who I am and what I want. The drawback is I have a gf I could still see myself with but she has to understand that I have to do this now. She is also heterosexual and cant understand what it means to be bisexual at all. Perspectives and value clash.

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