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#280158 - 03/20/09 11:33 AM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: myboyhoodfears]
nomansanisland Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/09
Posts: 156
Loc: NM
myboyhood fears...too awesome...you have hit the nail on the head..for myself i dont want to be in either world... both have their drawbacks. I hate being so pissy, live and let live isnt' how the world is anymore...i have to commend you on your honesty. blessings , nomansanisland

_________________________
" If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drum. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away." Henry David Thoreau

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#280161 - 03/20/09 12:05 PM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: nomansanisland]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
yea, me 3.

my attractions are toward males [ie i dream about relationships with a person with a functioning penis].

i have one female friend that i am absolutely head over heels in deep admiration of; her spirit is just so precious, but i don't think of trying to please her sexually. i could however live with her as a partner, totally faithful.

i'm just not sure whether it's the penis or the person. i don't know yet.

at least i'm not degrading myself for not having the answer. at least i am open to possibility. my own fear of wrongly using a person as an experiment for solving my own open questions about my sexuality keep me hesitant about initiating any type of relationship. i would not want to hurt them, or use them just to satisfy my own curiosity.

all i know is it does not matter if i met and entered a relationship with a male or a female; certain criteria would have to be in place for me to ensure that i was being authentic.

there would have to be complete disclosure. there would have to be emotional attraction. there would have to be a desire to allow the relationship to define us and transform us into who were were meant to be. i would have to be clear that i was not trying to gain my mother's good graces, or my perp brother's affection.

i wonder if this makes sense to people.

thanks,

ron

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  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#280482 - 03/23/09 01:31 PM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: Sans Logos]
myboyhoodfears Offline


Registered: 03/13/09
Posts: 457
.




Edited by myboyhoodfears (08/31/09 10:47 AM)
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#280528 - 03/23/09 09:23 PM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: myboyhoodfears]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
I know the question was directed toward bisexuals but I just wanted to share my two cents. This is something I'm struggling with in my life at the moment. Am I gay, am I bi, am I straight? I just don't know.

I so agree with Ron and others about not wanting to hurt others feelings or use them to figure out my needs. But I think that is part of what the dating scene helps us find those answers. Aren't we essentially trying people on to see if they fit? I don't mean to sound crude or degrading but we try on clothes at the store to see if they fit.

This may not be the best analogy but I think it works for what we are trying to understand.

I've often allowed this question regarding my sexuality to run my life and I get into the "what ifs?"

Ideally I'd like to be with someone but I don't necessarily know if I would need the sex. I assume though that the sex is important.

I'm also scared myself away from other for just the plain fears of STDs and how rampant they are in our society.

I know the old adage "if it ain't broke don't fix it" could apply to my life. I mean masturbation works for me but I've wondered about the pleasures of intimacy with another individual involved.

Thank you all for allowing me to rant and run on about this topic. Thank you also for starting this topic.

This website seems to be offering me more help than all 3 therapists I used. Thanks guys.

Charlie.


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#280812 - 03/25/09 09:36 PM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: Charlie24]
brother2none Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/30/09
Posts: 262
Loc: Undisclosed
+1 for me also, I agree with this comment...This website seems to be offering me more help than all 3 therapists I used...

But I am aware that I am putting more of myself into my contact with others on MS. Way more honesty and truth that I was willing to do face to face in therapy. I get out what I put in. And I was lying to myself, and hurting myself in the process.


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#283057 - 04/10/09 07:29 AM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: nonchalant]
zenobius1025 Offline


Registered: 04/08/09
Posts: 2
My heart goes out to those men who identify as "bisexual". I know it is hard for you because I went through the "i'm not gay, I'm bisexual" phase of my own coming out process. Admittedly, I do have some bisexual issues of my own. The main thing, is that you have to determine which gender is your "primary" and which is your "secondary." In terms of a marital relationship, I believe that bisexuals do best with an opposite gender bisexual whose "primary" and "secondary" are a match. I have observed that this seems to be the only real sense of balance for bisexuals so that no one gets hurt. From my own experiences, women are really only a turn on to me sexually when I'm doing them with another man. One on one, they are usually repulsive to me but the majority of my closest most intimate friends have almost always been women. I've never understood this and it is something that I have never dealt with with a therapist over the years. One should strive for "balance and harmony" however one may define that for oneself.


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#285656 - 04/28/09 09:39 PM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: nonchalant]
Whicker Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/03
Posts: 117
Loc: Pastures of Oregon
Nonchalant,

I was brought up VERY 'Old School' by all the male 'Father Figures' I had. I was taught all the bad things being gay meant. Being sexually abused starting as a young child (and in some ways I'm not nearly brave enough to share, for fear of the reaction it will cause), by 'Males', made this even more confusing to me.
While I've since learned that physically reacting to the abuse (getting an erection, and sometimes climaxing (dry as a child, regular as an adult), had nothing to do about MY being aroused, that also made me very confused about my sexuality for a long, long time.

I believe I secretly orientated to bisexuality as an adolescent, before I ever knew what that word was ('Sex Ed.' certainly didn't mention anything outside heterosexuality when "I" was in HS!). While I did go on dates with girls, I was never really attracted to either gender, intimately (from the 'Bad' experiences with sex)...

"A lot of people have told me how bisexuality is a gift and gives you the ability to judge people on their inner selves instead of whether they have a penis or a vagina,..."


To me, 'Loving' someone didn't mean a restriction on their gender. It meant loving a person for being themselves. This, along with many other revelations, drew me onto the Pagan Path of Theology I continue to follow (though I study Religion on a regular basis, and find other perspectives enlightening, and fascinating!).

Such a simple definition, but oh, how the majority of the world rails against such things! :: coughcoughhypocritescoughcough::

"It is like i have 2 personalities and i just do not know how to live a normal life"

I would say 'Two Perspectives', and certainly wouldn't degrade, or deny having a 'Normal' life because of it! :-)

"I constantly debate over what way i should live my life. Should i repress my homosexual side and live solely as heterosexual? Should i repress my hetero side and live as a gay man? How can i have relationships when i might begin to crave the other sex and really hurt my partner? I feel like a complete misfit who isn't straight enough to be straight but isn't gay enough to be gay. I also have the usual "what if bisexual doesn't exist and i'm actually gay?" thoughts quite frequently, but i know i am attracted to women in a much more substantial way than just finding them aesthetically attractive or whatever"

Aha!
I've heard that most people who enter into polyamorous relationships (male/male/female, female/female/male), often run into the trouble with jealousy.
All I know is, I just cannot be with a 'Man' in a sexual way, after what happened to me. Yet there are aspects of such contact that I cannot deny.
Here was/is my strategy, for what it might be worth. I dated the female gender growing up and throughout my adult life (the social stigma's of being 'gay/bi' still hobble(d) me, double for the SA endured), but enjoyed fanstasizing about having a Bi relationship. I knew I had found my true SoulMate, when we began to get serious, and I opened-up to her about EVERYTHING... I felt I had to. I didn't want her to become further involved with 'Damaged Goods', as I often thought of myself...
It was the scariest, most stressful moment of my voluntary life.
And she opened-up, and our histories were so similar it was, unreal!
So, we enjoyed each other. We explored, had fun, and when we wanted to 'Fantasize', that was perfectly o.k., too!

I hope this might help you? As scary as it might be, talking with your female Companion openly and honestly is what I would recommend. If she accepts you for 'You', then the two of you have a very special Bond, and hopefully nothing but happiness and sexual freedom will follow?

Whicker

_________________________
Esse Quam Videri
(To be, rather than to seem)

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#285660 - 04/28/09 10:21 PM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: Whicker]
Barney Offline


Registered: 07/31/06
Posts: 236
Loc: Southern Utah/Northern Arizon
Wow, loved this posting. Thought you really clearly stated some of the dynamics many of us face who have similar thoughts and feelings about being bi. Great job. What I also like is that you have connected with your "soul mate" and are experiencing some very significant levels of intimacy and acceptance. Glad for you, gives us lots of hope.

Thanks for sharing

Ron


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#289372 - 05/29/09 12:02 PM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: siranthonysghost]
East Side Truman Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/01/07
Posts: 11
Loc: NYC
Hi All,
I haven't posted in a very long time but this topic speaks so much to the core of my issues. After my abuse ended (when I was almost 20), I started dating women. And lots of them! I thought I was free at last. There was the odd anonymous male encounter, but for the most part I was certain that I had gotten back to my core sexual preference - women. Then I met a woman and became very serious. We were together six years, planned to get married. But it wasn't working. For many reasons, mine and hers. Then I met a man and fell in love. We've been together for ten years. It's mostly great, but always there's that nagging doubt. The SA confuses everything and it makes me so ANGRY. If I was just left alone as an adolescent I would've figure this out. But now there's no hope of "figuring it out." All I can do is remain in the present.

Anyway...thanks for all your posts. I really appreciate the honesty.


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#289671 - 05/31/09 03:14 PM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: East Side Truman]
Roderick Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/29/05
Posts: 22
Loc: California
I haven't posted for awile, but this is a very powerful topic for SA survvors, and I can really relate to all of you.



Peace...


Edited by Roderick (10/30/12 04:38 PM)
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Roderick

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