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#269928 - 01/04/09 11:19 PM .
bardo213 Offline
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Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
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Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 07:03 PM)

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#269938 - 01/05/09 10:22 AM Re: reflecting [Re: bardo213]
ttoon Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 977
LM,


If, the honest expression of anger is to create and maintain boundaries for ourselves and, if our boundaries are so grievously violated in abuse then, it makes sense that anger is a huge issue with us, as survivors. Don't ya think?

So, another logical step might be that with our uncertain and or not well defined boundaries, we wander out into the world in search of companionship. Who are we going to look for? You think? Who are we going to be comfortable with? Seriously?

The word "friend" suggest we have common interests, maybe similiar beliefs, we are comfortable together.

In the early stages of recovery, I joked that I felt like a Catholic boy in a Baptist church. Neither the Catholic faith or Baptist faith, I think, is right or wrong but, there are fundemental differences in their beliefs and their expression of it.

Recovery is awkward, uncomfortable, challenges us to step away from what is familar and or comfortable. Away from strategies that we came up with, "coping mechanisms" that may have worked when we were younger but now have become obsolete.

We may attract and be attracted to friends who have similiar boundaries and, at the same time be actively working in recovery. That makes it a bitch, uh? Something has to give. We are told that isolation is our worst enemy and, at the same time, we are no longer comfortable with our old friends. In fact, they are now pissin us off on a daily basis.

There is loss, huge loss, not only are we taking on the abuse but now we are moving away from our friends. Change includes loss, involves a certain amount of anxiety and the anxiety may trigger us, inviting in even more. It sucks and is one of the paradoxes about recovery. Or, is it irony?

A therapist, hopefully, is going to have well defined boundaries and is going to offer support and encouragement, validation for the struggle and be supportive as we transition through all of this and, hopefully, move toward our goals. Challenge the need to feel as though we need to "control" what we feel and allow for the honest expression for what we feel, in an atmosphere of safety.

If we changed, "being in full control of myself..." to, being responsible...it changes the entire process. Because we do not have any control over what we feel...we can be responsible for how we act and or react to what we feel. It allows us to let go of the things we do not have any control over...and focus on the things we are responsible for.

I believed the abuse was my fault. By thinking that I allowed myself to believe that I had some control over it. But, I did not. That was a hard one...really hard but, a very important step in the process as I take on, only the things that I am responsible for.


:-)


Dave

_________________________
checkin out for a few weeks... whistle
02/07/09

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#270051 - 01/06/09 02:09 AM . [Re: ttoon]
bardo213 Offline
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Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
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Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 07:04 PM)

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#270060 - 01/06/09 07:14 AM Re: reflecting [Re: bardo213]
ttoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 977
I'll tell ya, LM,

I was a "pen cap putter onner" my first real job...I loved it! My other brothers went on to college...and, it all worked out in the long run. laugh

I admire your determination...for some guys, recovery is the primary focus in their lives, others, are able to integrate it into their lives and are able to make the changes they'd like. I like the fact that there isn't just "one" way of coming at recovery. We all have different experiences. Thankfully there are many doors in...and, as many out.


laugh


Dave

_________________________
checkin out for a few weeks... whistle
02/07/09

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#270064 - 01/06/09 08:23 AM Re: reflecting [Re: bardo213]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Originally Posted By: lynchmob212001
when I was younger my parents use to always say think before you act


lynchmob, thanks for another thoughtful post.

there are many resonant quotables in your posts but i didn't get past this one, because the caution mentioned above was pretty typical guidance given by authorities in my life.

but, i ask myself, why start with inhibiting thought and thinking> why not go prior to the thought to the feeling first?

why did no one say 'stop, drop and roll' with regard to feelings and their potential for leading to destructive thought patterns.

i have learned over time that i must first recognize the feelings in the organic chain of feeling-thinking-action. if i don't stop things at the feeling stage, then i begin to allow new aspects of me to self-construct without my permission. new mindsets then emerge from the shadows of my deeper and unacknowledged fears and before i know it, new schemas have become part of my behavioral lexicon.

ultimately i become a creature constructed of ideas and beliefs systems that i was unaware had made me.

then i had to go through the time consuming and arduous and painstaking task of unmaking me.

the systems that are in place to generate the automatons we become are seriously flawed. and they eventually leave us very confused in later years when we end up asking ourselves 'what am i doing wrong' because we feel that something else is in command, and further that we have no idea how we got to be who we are, and realize we don't even know who or what is propelling us forward from one moment to the next.

much of life seems wasted because as we evolvewe defined ourselves by our thinking experiences rather than by our prior characteristic as a emotive being.

focusing on and confronting the appearing emotions and their resolution eliminates a whole lot of wild goose chasing in the drama of life.

thanks for the fodder,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#270342 - 01/08/09 02:01 AM . [Re: Sans Logos]
bardo213 Offline
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Registered: 11/21/07
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Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 09:08 PM)

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