My self esteem and my life were taken from me. My love of me and acceptance of me was taken from me. In a moment of time forever blocked since it happened a complete separation from myself Dave occurred. In a moment of time my belief of I was loved, I was worthwhile, I had talents, I had special gifts, I was able to love, I was able to create, I was able to express and be accepted was changed. Even friends my childhood friends who loved and gave their friendship to me I became unable to feel worthy of their love and attention. It was all taken from me. It was taken as a direct result of being a child. As a direct result of wanting and needing attention. Attention which was not given by my primary care givers. Could not be given from my primary care givers because they themselves we not capable. For they were not nutured themselves. Both believed children were to be control. Both believed children were something you derived your own pleasure or self esteem from. Children were to perform, to obey and to do as they were told not what they saw. Especially not what they saw.
I was young and vibrate youth. Alice Cooperís schoolís out for summer was rocking on. They took our picture exploding out the rear doorís of the school for the local paper. It expressed a true love for no more rules. Freedom for the summer. Care free days. A searching and longing for adventure. Great adventures. A hike on foot. Hikeís to the east and hikeís to west and both hike to the same town. Confusing to a youth and you could go in opposite directions and end up going to the same town. Confusion is seeing those who professed to be friends take great pleasure in observing your confusion. Parents telling you those kids are too old for you to hang around, but they gave you attention. And you like attention. Any attention that did not include picking out a switch off the willow tree to get a beating for being a kid. Or for expressing your anger at mistreatment from your fellow siblings. But the time it took to sort it out stole from what they wanted to do. It confronted the parents to see that maybe they were not doing their job of love, affection, and giving with no reward or expectation of return.
Adventures to places like turtle pond or hidden valley. Places were you had to pack a lunch and take a nap sack to carry your lunch and water for the long journey. The journey home from hidden valley could never be forgot. Being lured to look at the fish from the top of the concrete culvert to lean over. Then inexplicable falling head first into the water. Eyes open. Confused. PANICING. FEARFULLY drowning. Being pulled out. Coughing out water. Choking. Physical pain. The lungs coughing. Now wet and cold. The hand that pulls you out is the same hand that pushed you in. Confusing fearfull. No block it out. You would never do that David. You would never hurt and help with the same hand. Would you. MMmm. It happens at home. It must be acceptable. Cold water. Long long walk home. Cold. What are you going to tell mom. You can not tell her the hand that pushed you helped you out. No No. You will not be able to play with them any more. You will not be able to get the attention you so long for and need. Ohps. Donít acknowledge you have needs. If you have them you will realize they are not meet. Better to not have them. Just pretend. Pretend like you have that friend. You know the one that plays with you sometime when no one is around. When no one is allowed out. What was his name?
Games of hidden go seek. Man Hunt. Baby in the Basket. Pull the Rope. Shit in the bag. Older kids have lots of fun. What was the new one you heard? Oh ya sleep under the stars. What is that? Oh. Nothing but the stars above you. Nothing but the stars. No roof. Sounds like fun. Well (abuser), he is our neighbor. He is the son of (abuserís Dad) and (abusers mom). Oh. Dave. Would you like to sleep out under the stars? Would you like to sleep out here. If it rains we can go in the tent. A tent. Ohh. A tent. A house. A place to sleep that you just set up. You can take the tent any where you go. Even on a hike. Oh Dave would you like to see the slot cars. Oh yes. What are they? Slot cars. Yes I love cars. I know all about them. I read a book on the internal combustion engine. I read a book and know all about it. I have been called down in front of my parents friends to perform and tell from memory everything the book said about the internal combustion engine. Pistons. Valves. Intake gas and air. Out take of exhaust and fumes. Compression and explosion. Force to rotate. My uncle loves cars. He is nice to me. I am his nephew. He has lots of records. He lets me listen to them. No grandma lets me. I like henry the eight I am I am. I play it over and over. I think I scratched it. Now he does not like me. Now he does not want me to touch his stuff. But all of my real friends share their things. What did I do? I was as careful as I could be for a child. I was real carefull. I am not stupid. See I memorized the book. I am smart. In fact I am gifted. They ( the teachers want me and my best friend to attend special classes for the gifted ) I go and the teacher was mean. She said my colour wheel was wrong. She said to paint the colours hot to cold. I put hot to cold all the colours. I had white as the hottest. She said I was wrong. I like going with my best friend Rex. I really liked it. Maybe my parents will talk to the teacher. No I just wonít go. Cause she hurt me. Really or was it because it was more time the adults would have to take me somewhere. Canít do that. Dad is never home. He has a business now. He is important now. He is important to all these people whose names we have never seen. If they are important how come we never see them. Well there are lots of stories about work. Oh ya work. Bury that one. Work is everything. Adventure there. People respect you and talk to you if you work. Plus you get money. If you have money you are respected cause things are important. It is important to have things. Things make you happy. Remember that nice whip you got. It was cool. Until you used it on someone. That hurt getting punished for that. Still look at all the things I can do with it. Oh. tHings are important cause when you perform with things they get you attention. Ah yes attention. Attention is good. I feel okay.
Slot cars. Oh ya you might have gotten a slot car set for Christmas but these are the real ones. Yours are 9v these are 12 v. Well those things Christmas gifts are good. Look at how happy all the parents are that you donít need any attention from them. Look at how happy they are. Look how happy they are with you when you pour them a stiff one. A stiff one is a strong drink. How much Ice lots or a little. I want to get it just PERFECT. I feel good when I get it perfect. Then I know you love me when I am perfect.
Slot cars in the basement. (Abusers) basement. Sleeping under the stars. It started to rain. We went into the tent. When I got in the tent the sleeping bag slid on something. Scott had a flash light. He was looking at a magazine. It had pictures of women nude in it. He was doing something funny. What are you doing (abuser). Inside his bag is moving. Near his groin. It is raining outside. Lightning. Maybe thunder. (abuser) is telling me it okay. The expression on his face is not matching what I am feeling. I am scared. I am fearfull. I looked at the magazine. I have been told all my life to not touch my penis. Do not play with it. What are you doing David? In the bath tub. What are you doing? Donít touch that. I would get aroused in the bath tub. Donít touch yourself there. It is BAD. If you touch yourself there YOU ARE BAD. I donít want to be bad mommy. I donít want to be bad daddy. I donít want to be bad babysitters. Who are you babysitters? Who are you? Where is mommy? Where is Daddy? Who are you? They are out? Out where? Out? Out? Out? Out? Who are you? How do you know my Daddy and my Mommy who are you? So I know that pictures of naked women are bad too. I know that being nude is bad. I saw mommy in her underwear. I was bad. I saw daddy change his underwear or get dressed. Close the door. Close the door. Get out. They are angry. Angry at me. What did I do? Oh ya I am bad. I am bad. Remember I touch myself and it feels good. I AM BAD. I saw a book with naked women. I am bad. (abuser) is touching himself inside his sleeping bad where it is bad to touch. He must be bad too. I am scared. I am going home. No. Dave. Donít go. He wants to stop me. So I run home. Home safe. Hide under the covers. Nothing can get me under the covers. What get you? Bad things. Hide. Pretend you are invisible. If you are invisible they will not see you. You will not be here when they come. You can leave when them come. Right now in this present moment. I am scared. I am fearfull. What did I hide from? What did I pretend to be invisible to? What did I leave my body to not have to endure? Shh. Go back to sleep. Why is lying on my back so difficult to enjoy in sex? Why do I lay there taking no pleasure? Why do I watch them enjoy themselves and feel nothing? Why had I disassociated until my last lover? Why is it so important that I never disassociated with my last lover?
Days later. Or soon afterwards. The slot cars in the basement. Where are you (abuser)? What are you doing over there. Oh you sleep down here sometimes when it is hot. When it is hot like today. It is cool in the basement. You are fat (abuser). You smell. You have lots of smell and body odour. Obese and fat. You smell. Do I want to look in the box. What is it? A box of books. Like out side in the tents. Lots of books. I am getting aroused. Something is happening to my groin. I am fearfull. But I AM EXCITED. I do not know what these feeling are. How can I be scared and feel good at the same time. How can being aroused. Blood is gong to my groin. It is powerful. My penis is hitting my pants. No my shorts. It is cold down here. Cause I have no shirt on. Oh ya. Shirts and shoes. They are gone cause it is summer. I am free. No more teachers no more rules. No rules. No rules. It feels different. How can I BE BAD when it feels good for my penis to get hard. What is scott doing. He is looking at the magazine. He is touching himself inside his gray track pants. He is fat and he smells. He let me play with the slot cars for a long time. He is my friend. We went on the hikes together. We played outside. He is strong very strong. All the kids. All the older kids respect (abuser). When he gets mad people are afraid of him. Really afraid of him. No one will hurt me if (abuser) is my friend. Maybe my Dad will be afraid of (abuser). Maybe my Dad will be afraid of (abuser) like the other boys, Joe, Bill, Bob. Even the boys older than (abuser) are afraid of him when he gets mad. (abuser) is not afraid of anyone. (abuser) likes me. His mom (abusers momís name) gives me cookies. She likes me. She is nice to me. She never says anything critical of me. She cooks food and has meals. I have had dinner there with her and (abuser and (abusers fathers name). (abusers fathers name) works hard. He is a carpenter. He works hard. He brings home the money to pay the bills. (abusers fathers name)works hard. He has tools and he is a carpenter.
So he pulls his pants down and I can see his penis. What is that ďthatís my cockĒ? I call it my cock ever since. It is impersonal as if it does not belong to my bady. My cock. No nickname. Itís ďmy cockĒ I put my cock places and have no connection to it. In my hand, in a women. Cocks are scarey if they are yours. When they are yours they arouse strong feeling. I like (abuser). I guess he is strong and big. I have seen him hurt or fight back to people bigger than him when they are mean to him. People are mean to me. People beat me. I wish I could fight back like (abuser). (abuser) does not let people say mean things to him. He gets angry. Very angry and hurts them back. He yells at them. He even fights them and phycially protects himself when people jurt him playing hockey in the courtyard in front of our houses. I like to hurt the people back who hurt me. (abuser) could hurt them. Maybe if he is my friend he will protect me from all these people who get angry and hurt me. I can not fight back. I have tried. I have even run away and they hurt me even more for running away. When I run away they throw me down the stairs. Push me into walls and throw me around like I am a pillow but I am not a pillow. I hurt. Sometimes the hurt does not show. But often it does. I have had 30 stitches before I three. I am told. I do not remember. But I remember that when I got the next set of stitches I was always told ohhh you should be used to it by now you have had so many. Yes yes donít dry. They like it when you donít cry. They wonít have to see they hurt you or they allowed you to get hurt or that they are powerless over you getting hurt. You remember you is me. Me and you are the same now. We are one. I am here Dave. Dave and David are best friends now. I am here for Dave. I am here for David. You are hurt Dave. Hurt. Letís look some more. Okay. Is it okay. David is here for you. Centered. Scared. Heart a little in the throat. Conscious aware I have to take daughter to hockey. So my time is very short.
I look at his penis. I am aroused. (abusers name) is strong. He is my friend. He is touching himself where I am told not to. It is okay with him. I am excited. His cock is bigger than mine. He is rubbing it up and down. It gets bigger. What is that (abuser)? That is called jisss. What is that. It is clear and it comes out just before. Just before what. Come closer. Come down here. Here you touch it. Okay (abuser). Ou are my friend. Friends donít hurt one another do they. Touch you how. Touch it like this. Put your hand around it like I was. As I touch his ďcockĒ it explodes. Stuff comes out of it. I scream. (abusers moms name) his mother yells. What is going on down there (abuser)? He says nothing everything is alright. I am scared. (abuser) looks scared. He is teeling his mother that everything is allright but his face says different I feel different. I am not aroused. It is gone. I feel shamed. I feel dirty. I have dirty stuff all over may hand. I feel sick very sick to my stomach. I want my mommy. (This added in session 6 hrs later) I shuddered. I am frozen. I lost right now for words to verbalize what I feel. My body shudders. My heart is in my throat. There is body feeling in my middleI shudder. What is it. There it is. On the right. Ahh, ohhoo ohho gross, I want to throw up. I feel sick. Wht is it please let it out I am safe. I want to fetal. I fetal. I am dizzy. Quiet. Donít say anything. He says something to his mom..nothing mom everything is alright. He just lied. Everyithinkg is not alright. I feel sick. I trusted him. I thought he was my friend. I thought he liked me. I thought he liked me for me. I am bad. Mommy was right. Daddy was right. I am bad. I am bad. I am bad. What just happened was bad. That was bad. Touching your cock is bad. That was bad. That was bad..(abuser) is bad.. he just lied I am not allright. I want my mommy . I am going to cry. When you cry you get hit, you get hit when youcry, I want ot cry, I am scared of (abuser). When he gets mad he really hurt people. I have seen him hurt people. I have seen him hurt his friends. He looks mad at me. He just lied and what just happened. He lied about what just happened. It is not alright. I geel sichk. He is telling me not to cry. He is telling me to come over here. Over there. I donít want him to touch me. Ready run. Run dave. His mom Theresa is yelling at me are you okay. Are you okay. I run out the side door around the back of the house got to get over the fence. There there are some rocks stay off my property. My mom says you canít come on my property. Mom mom Mom. I am going to tell my mom. Throw the rocks. He is coming. Stay off my property. I hit him. He is full of rage. OHHH no. not rage. I get hurt when adults get like that run. Run he has a big rock. Run thur the back gap in the fence lines to the church. Run around the block. He is fat. He wonít catch you. He is fast. He is mad. He is really fast. He is really mad. What is that? My head hurts. My head really hurts. My face is falling towards the ground. I am going to hit the ground with my face. Oh that hurts. Someone is yelling. I can not see, It is dark. It is really dark. My head hurts. My neck is warm. It is warm on my neck. It is wet on my neck. Adults. Everyone is yelling. Everyone is yelling . what happened/ the rock is there as I get up. The rock has blood on it. There is warm on head. There is wet on my neck. I touch it it is red. It is red blood. I am not scared of blood. They look at me are you okay. Yes I am okay. It is just blood. Blood doesnít hurt. Getting hit hurts. Did I get hit. What happened. I throw a rock at scott he chased me and hit me over the head with that rock. Yes that rock right there. I hit him with a little rock and he hit me over the head with that big big rock. He hit me with both hands. Over his head down on my head. I had looked back to see if he was there. I was shocked. He was right there. He is fast. I get taken to the hospital. For ten stitches I am told I deserve it for throwing rocks. I forget what has just happened. Before. I was told not to tell anyone. I was told not to tell anyone or I would be hit over the head and almost killed. I was almost killed because I was going to tell my mommy about it. Guess I will not tell anyone. I better not tell anyone or he will get mad. He will hurt me. The look in his eyes says so. Rage. There is no life in the eyes of rage. No connection to life. It is scarey. Scarey because he could kill you. Kill you what is that. Oh you mean. Dead. Dead like no longer here. Daddy took me to that place where everyone was happy and the man was dead. No one was crying. Dadddy said everyone was here to celebrate his life. It was why no one was sad. No one cried. We moved shortly afterwards. In looking at a class picture (at under 10 years old) I and (my friends name) are in the middle. We are best friends. Now I move we do not get to see each other. We have now gone to school for 5 years together with us in the center and all our friends around us. All the people we shared our days with everyday for 5 years I left behind when I moved. Everytime I would visist my grandmother in the upcoming months I would ask. Is scott home? Why do you ask? I never tell. One day at 19 or 20 he shows up at my parents house. I am neverous. I do not know why. The memory is now gone. It is buried. I started to drink at 14. It progressed rapidly. No one noticed. When they did I switched to drugs. Drugs and alcohol were common in some of the crowds. I eventually changed to the crowds which were more and more self destructive. A crowd of one eventually. Drinking drugs and then eventually sex became my coping friends. Not until the love of a woman broke me out of denial. Broke the silence and need to be real. The pain of loosing the love of a lifetime brought me to my knees and eventually allowed me to see the exact nature of the harms I do to others. Help me to see the exact nature of the harms I do to myself. Repeated things. Every aspect of my life leads me back to the original shaming. In making solid connections to the guilt and responsibility of destroying my life repeatedly. Repeatly believing I am a victim. Life is scarey. You get hurt. Trust no one. Care for no one. Care even less for your own life. Needs. What needs. If you have needs they will not be met. If you express your needs you are weak. If you are weak they will take advantage of you. The weak are cannon flodder for power. Yes power. Power is money. Oh money that is it. That made Dad happy. Look he looks happy. Ooh . ooh so young to died. Eaten from the inside out. Guess the inside was not happy. Inside out eats you up. Donít look in there. No no donít look in there. The stuff out here makes you happy. Look at television. They are all happy. They all get along. Oh feeling. Feeling are for those of the weak. Anget and lust will get you thru. They have till now. Old friends. Common friends since ten. Oh donít you get angry with me. I. I am the king of anger around here. In my own home yes yes I will be the king of anger. The king of power and king of anger. Anger can be a good thing though. I do not have to be violent if I am angry. Angry at (abuser). Yes Angry at (abuser). Angry at me. Angry at all the injustices I have experienced at my own hand. Angry and resentful at all the injustices I have experienced at the hands of others. Angry at others for having seen the injustices done to me and for not acting and standing up for the weak out of their own fear of perhaps having to acknowledge their own neediness. HJaving to acknowledge their own weakness. Having to confront their own darkness. Angry at not standing up for myself on a regular basis. Angry at not realizing others can not meet my needs if I do not ask. Angry at myself for not valuing and meeting my own needs. Angry for not acknowledging I have needs. Angry for not being able or willing to meet my own needs. There is one person who can meet my own needs. Me. I need to be there for me and my child. I love my child. Dave. I love you.
Hyper active nervous system. Over active startle response. Life is dangerous. They are out to get you. 14 years ago in the recovery house. I thought the devil was going to come and burn it down. I thought evil forces were lurking to come and take my away. Take me back to the evil and bad place I must have come from. I am bad. I was happy to have found out I was an alcoholic. I did not have to accept the blame at first. But then I realized it has been at my own hand. I am responsible. Now again. The abuser has taken my life away. 36 years and a beautiful child stolen. Such hope and aspirations. Now just the realizations of every emotionally tramatic espisode in my life has been a grand attempt to keep this orginal abuse buried. Keep in the past. People tell you so. Just let go. The abuser has made me allow his abuse, his weakness, his pitiful reasoning to define who I am. How I relate to the world around me? Fuck you abuser. I have allowed the abuser to define who I am. No more. The bogey man is going back to the closest he came from. When he comes to see me I donít think I will see him. Same way I have felt all my life till now. No one saw me. No one saw my pain. I kept the secrets. Secrets that were not mine. Trama and blocks. Blocks to be released. So irrational. Unbelieveable and unacceptable truths. Hard to look them in the eye and see a better possible future. To have hope when all hope of not feeling bad was taken. Innocents lost to be mourned. So much to mourn. So much is lost. So much sadness. So much grief. How to escape this horrible knowable past. Hope. Hope that you in reading this will have more than a minute understanding of who the hell I am. I hope to be understood.
"you can be a character and still not have any" the fox Pulp Fiction
Rule 62: Quit taking yourself so serious.
Pinky "Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?" Brain: "The same thing we do every night, Pinky- try to take over the world."