I went to the Halloween party that was going on in downtown. I am mostly attracted to women but I came across few guys that made me question what caught my eye. Both were well dressed and the GQ type. One was holding hands with a female and the other was with some other guys. This is something that I'm not sure why I had an attraction to them. It wasn't an intense, I want to have sex attraction but more of a Wow, look at him attraction. I have questioned if I might be bi. I can't see myself having relations with another man though. Are these attractions just noticing eye candy attractiveness and good looks or is it really a hint that there may be more to it? I have wondered after being raped at 11 and sexually abused at 13 by two different males if this some part of the equation. As from some of my previous posts, I have been discussing the whole topic of straight, gay, bi issue. My T's view is that we are all on one continuam and mostly in the middle regardless of straight/gay labels. Maybe this something that is part of me having attractions to some men. My T did hint that people that claim to be straight usually have some feelings of attraction to the same sex even though they don,t admit it. The next sentence she said was about women being attracted to other women. This made me wonder if she likes women even though she is married and was a hint that attraction can be to either side. One of the reasons I am looking for clarity is because of being raised by homophobic parents that shielded me from the outside world. This small part of me that doesn't feel "straight" needs some more clarity. If it does reveal that I have attractions to some men, I will accept it but won,t put a label on myself because of it. Enough of my rambling, any insight would be helpful. One last thought, I don't have a problem with people because of your orientation and have to say I have known a few that were very funny in their comments and jokes. Thank you for any insights.

Finding a man attractive does not mean you are gay. I have the same issues you just mentioned and I have worked through that issue faily well. It look at other men to compare my self to them and see how I stack up. I also have a wanting to be close to other men, not for sex, but for bonding (because I didn't have any positive male role models in my life). I think your T is right re: continuim. It makes sense in my mind. Also, think about it this way...notice how many women out there confess to being attracted to other women? Society does not scorn them, so they can say it. Do you thikn only women find women attractive and men don't find men attractive? We're biologically the same (except for one chromosome) so it is logical that the same thing happens to guys. If a man says he finds another man attractive, he's instantly labeled "gay". Why? Society. Hope this helps.

I know this will sound cliche, but it really has to do with love. As survivors, I think this is even more important for us. We learn to sexualize everything because we were sexualized ourselves way too young. I think for us, to know if we are really straight or gay, we have to take sex out of the equation and look at the other aspects - nonsexual aspects of relationship. If sex were taken out of the picture, who would you fall in love with, who would you go to to be comforted, who do you want to grow old with, etc.

I think from this we can begin to build a picture of ourselves and define who we are more clearly, and then slowly add sex back into the picture in a healthy, appropriate way.

Peace and love...

Michael

Michael:

Thanks for your great advice. I think it was so perfect! It really helped me out!

-Chi.

I started paying attention to my thoughts and reactions to other males. I wasn't aware until then of how much one can have an affect on possible interactions just by the first few seconds of sight. This made me more aware of feeling like I was intimidated or comfortable just by observations of another person's body language. Before I would react to others without much thought as to why. I am seeing where I have more attraction to people than I once realized. Still, I'm not sure completely about the feelings of attractions to some men. Hope some of this made sense, still sorting it all out.

I hope you guys don't mind me butting in here, but I wanted to validate something ChicagoSurvivor said:



This is 100% true. I am not a lesbian, but I appreciate the beauty of another woman and will easily say so. I've even found myself sexually attracted to another woman a time or two, although never acted on it. I'm human and my body parts don't necessarily make a distinction between male and female if I find them attractive.

I think it's the part that Michael laid out so beautifully that makes one hetero or homo for the long term. Sex and physical attraction is a very important part of a relationship, but it isn't what makes the relationship. So many people, abuse survivors or no, make the mistake of thinking that it is, but throw abuse into the mix and sex takes center stage, being given an importance it doesn't deserve. I would put it in the top 5 things that make a relationship work, with its import floating within that top 5 depending on your age and goals at any given moment in time, but never should it be #1 over the long haul. That would doom a person to constantly looking for a "fix."

My young niece, age 15 came out last summer. I'm so proud of how she is handling herself and her bitch of a mother. Her father (my brother) my sister and I are supporting her as best we can because we love her. One of the conversations that I've had with her is about sex and it's a tough one. She's 15 with all the hormonal upheaval that goes with it. It's a tough tight rope to walk because I'm trying to make her understand that her same sex attraction isn't why I'm telling her she shouldn't have sex, it's the fact that she's 15 and emotionally unprepared for it. Try telling a healthy 15 year old that sex isn't important! Ha! She will do what every healthy teen does, but hopefully, she'll remember a little bit of our conversation and not place so much importance on it in the future.

nevragan, I guess what I'm saying after this long post is that I agree with what everyone else has said. Finding another person attractive or being sexually stimulated by them means nothing all by itself except that your body is functioning exactly the way it was designed to.

You stated that so perfect. I've never had anyone say it quit like that. Thanks...that helps. Have a happy new year.

Nevragan - I think the true definition of gay is not being attracted to the opposite sex. Not finding men attractive.

Societal views of sexuality have varied throughout history. The Greeks are a fantastic example. Male homosexuality was commonplace and even encouraged to form bonds between soldiers but the Greek men still got married and had children and when they got some spare time they laid the groundwork of Western Civilisation!

Thanks Neevragan. You did indeed explain the issue. It was reassuring. Happy New Year.