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#268205 - 12/21/08 01:38 PM Re: how do you see yourself as a sexual person? [Re: steveb121]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 303
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
Thanks guys. I'd made a ton of progress and hadn't been around em for about a month in a half, but now that exams are over and I'm home and snowed in the boredom sets in and with it the questions. Both my therapists have told me that it's likely acting out, but it still bothers me. I gotta go snowblower the drive way, then I'll probably feel better. I gotta go do something though. Thanks a ton guys.

-god bless,
Andy


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#268206 - 12/21/08 01:58 PM Re: how do you see yourself as a sexual person? [Re: AndyS87]
nonchalant Offline


Registered: 11/17/08
Posts: 42
Loc: Northern Ireland, UK
I've been toying with the belief lately that predominately heterosexual survivors who still have sex with men or get off to gay porn, may have a fetish for the male body (set in motion by the abuse) rather than any substantial attraction for men

Any time i say it, a voice in my head goes "wise up, who the hell would believe you if you said you were straight but had a fetish for the naked male body?" but the more i think about it in depth, the more i think it makes sense


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#268207 - 12/21/08 02:06 PM Re: how do you see yourself as a sexual person? [Re: steveb121]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
I lived my life Straight for the majority of my life. When my brother was sexually abusing me for a perod of over 5 years, all I can remember is that it was dirty, nasty, wrong, sickening and most of all felt such guilt for what I thought back then, that I had control over. Now of course I know differently. I was just a little kid who was being used. He of course told me this was normal stuff between brothers and that if I ever told anyone he would do worse stuff to me. I had no desire to ever know what that might be. So I kept it a secret.

In my later teens and most of my adult life I lived as a straight man. I have 7 siblings all married off and on over the years. How could I be Gay? I had and acted the only way I knew was acceptable. And that was straight. I married, have 2 wonderful kids and divorced some 20 years ago.

For me all this time of my life I lived a life of lies to myself. I always enjoyed and got off on porn. I always enjoyed looking at the guys more than the girls. I always wondered what it would be like to have sex with a guy. But I always told myself that I shouldn't be thinking this way. I told myself it was wrong. So I thought, but all the while lurking behind the thoughts of THIS IS NOT WHO I REALLY AM. I was not being true to myself.

Since I have come out to the world and to myself that I am a gay man, my life has been remarkable! Sure, I have problems like most people do. Life is definitely not perfect. Who's life is that has to deal with CSA? But as far as how I see myself as a sexual person; I am gay, I am finally content in my mind of who I am. I am no longer living a lie to myself. I am totally honest with myself and with my friends and family. The guilt and fear of feeling unwanted, feeling isolated, feeling that I am different, no longer bugs me. I am who I am and I am proud of that.

I am in a loving relationship with my partner. We love each other for who we are and not for what we want each other to be.

Thanks for this post. It was not easy to put my thoughts into words. But It is definitely a healing experience for me.

Thanks for listening

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#269094 - 12/28/08 07:43 PM Re: how do you see yourself as a sexual person? [Re: jacobtk]
Puzzled Offline


Registered: 08/30/08
Posts: 18
Hey Gang, I have had a life time of sex with both gender but with women I felt love with men it was purely sexual. I have been in T for 18 months and have had no sex and I really want to get this worked out because with either sex its all been unhealthy. I have alot of issues from being sexually abused by my older brother from 9-11years old.


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#269100 - 12/28/08 08:37 PM Re: how do you see yourself as a sexual person? [Re: Puzzled]
DMCarrollG Offline


Registered: 06/08/08
Posts: 22
Loc: Brooklyn, NY United States
This is a fantastic thread.

Being in a 6 month long relationship that is strong and clearly focused on communication, respect, being present, and... god forbid- FUN, this topic has been coming up a lot for me. Who am I sexually? As a sexual being? Seems more appropriate to ask- who have I been sexually!?

My abuse began intensely at 8 y/o and I rally start remembering it solidly once I am 10 or 11 and my sister is out of the picture, just me, and the set up is well established and it seems all my doing. There was also pornography involved then, both during the abuse and given me to take home.

I am gay. I dated women until freshman year of College while secretly having encounters with men, the continuation of my first outside-of-my-family public molestation in a bathroom at 11 or 12. I struggled and struggled and struggled- I hear thoughts I've had echoed in so many of these posts. Trying to "figure" it all out. I am also a dancer, something that I know was provided to me not just for a career or for creativity, but as another tool for getting back to my body. That being said- I am realizing that I love sex, as it is meant to feel good. I am with someone who is with me in a healthy way during sex and is open enough for me to go through what may come up. I have hang-ups... I have times of believing my thoughts that I am inadequate and he can't possibly want to be with me, even as he is. I realize I had lived my life by the lessons I learned through pornography of what it meant to be a man- big this and that, sex, end scene, more sex, various locales and situations and numbers of people, end scene, more sex... that is what a man is good for, what I learned I was good for and what men would want me for... I'm not an adonis so there is always some proximity to men bigger and more manly than me who, even if it's just on the street, seem to have more power than me.

But, wait... that is NOT who I am sexually or as a sexual being. Those are the things I struggle with as a survivor of CSA. I think it is important to begin, and I really am acknowledging this for myself for the first time, to separate out the two. Just as there was always an innocent boy, there too is a an innocent body. I didn't get the change to grow into sexual feelings and discovery... but in a way, I've been spared. I get to do it now as an adult with more to help me along as I go through a late phase of seeking out my own version of "adolescent awkwardness" around sex.

I struggle with how to be a gay man with "attraction." I have fears of where attractions will lead... what it will mean for my relationship... what does it mean about me... But I'm 29. I imagine the mirage or the finish-line is years and years away. I love my boyfriend and having sex with him... and even, now more than before (especially when porn was the constant), sex alone with myself.

Who am I sexually? A fiery lover who seek to know more fully that sex is about connection and more than physical traits or actions, but that physical sensation doesn't have to be scary or overwhelming in a bad way. A sensitive guy who wants to give himself permission to explore playfully every time in sex he freezes up wondering, "what do I do?" A man who was sexually abused and deserves to feel free, comfortable, and happy with his body and how he expresses his sexuality... as much as a non-survivor. And in that regard, I add this: One whose sexual joys he doesn't take for granted, having had to work for them... and knowing when they were non-existent.

_________________________
http://davidfmartinez.posterous.com/

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#269104 - 12/28/08 08:50 PM Re: how do you see yourself as a sexual person? [Re: AndyS87]
DMCarrollG Offline


Registered: 06/08/08
Posts: 22
Loc: Brooklyn, NY United States
AndyS87,

YES. I know what you are talking about. I felt like I was reading one of many many many journal entries of my life. Reading this took me back to times when I would sit in front of the computer debating... trying to make deals with myself... trying to tell myself what was going on was this or this or this. It reminds me of the biggest struggle as a teenager- if I was abused does that mean I'm gay? If I am gay doesn't that mean I wanted the abuse? If I got an erection or enjoyed it or was drawn to it- did it mean I wanted "it?" It being the original abuse, then each incident in public restrooms starting at 11... then sex with men as I grew older... No one can give that answer. No one could give it to me, anyways. Or maybe it's that no one did. I had to live into it.

"even though I know I'm not attracted to any of whats going on."

This really resonated with me because for me it reminded me to remember for myself when I thought this... and how for so long I couldn't realize that as a child being abused- attraction was never part of it. I was abused before I could grow into my first feelings of sexual attraction. I was programed before my body changed and caught up to the actions I was a part of... as a teenager I was so so so confused on what attraction even was!!! I didn't even know what it felt like- even now at 29 I have issues of distinquishing sexual attraction with some other feelings that feel escapist or compulsive or just power-based. This is hard shit to get through!! It's genuinely confusing, I know!

This struggle is not your fault. This confusion is not your fault. And though it may not seem like it- it is normal. "Normal" for survivors of sexual abuse, and if that is you as it would seem, then it is your normal. We don't make this "trap" to repeat. We don't make the trainwreck we as kids found ourselves boarded on. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

Believe me, I so have been there. I know it feels horrible and I too have beat myself up feeling like every millimeter of progress or sense of hope I gained was destroyed to bits when I would go back online or find myself sitting alone in my room debating myself about what to do. I can tell you that it can get better, easier, be different.

_________________________
http://davidfmartinez.posterous.com/

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#269190 - 12/29/08 12:38 PM Re: how do you see yourself as a sexual person? [Re: DMCarrollG]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 303
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
Yeah, I mean it's been confusing for me, and I can't imagine what it was like for you. As confused as I was and have been, I don't believe myself to be homosexual. I can clearly and easily trace a line from certain sexual behaviors to anything that might have ever made me think I was gay. That and the realization that I've never had a crush on any men I've known or wanted to be with any men I've known as anything other than friends of mine, different stories with girls.


I can't imagine the confusion that all of that must have caused you though, if you truly did want to be and were in love with other guys but you had the abuse backed up telling you all that other shit.

For me, things have been getting better this week as I've been calming down more. Holidays are always tough for me because that was typically when I was molested since that's when my cousin was around, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter. I keep saying this about myself, but I think it applies to a lot of people here. I personally felt like after I fully recalled everything in my life that was going wrong and started talking about it, I just broke emotionally into all these pieces. I guess you could say I shattered. Now I'm trying to just put myself back together again. Once I manage that successfully, I'll be able to move on.



Oh yeah forgot to add this part, I know what you mean about attraction and all that. I can honestly still say I've never had a relationship where I've ever fallen in love. At 21, I probably have as much sexual experience as the average 15 or 16 year old. When I was a teenager and looking for ways to get laid, thinking about relationships never entered into my mind. Those were there just so you could get laid I thought. I really regret that instead of me being able to discover sex like normal kids do I ended up having it dumped on me when I was too young to realize what any of it was about.



Edited by AndyS87 (12/29/08 12:41 PM)

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#269263 - 12/29/08 10:28 PM Re: how do you see yourself as a sexual person? [Re: AndyS87]
DMCarrollG Offline


Registered: 06/08/08
Posts: 22
Loc: Brooklyn, NY United States
Glad to hear things have gotten a bit lighter for you. Yes, you are not alone either in the holiday abuse- late afternoon, time to go upstairs to my cousins room, every family gathering. Kind of crazy throwing knowing abuse is going to go down the day you get to open presents!

Gay, straight, bi- none of that matters really- what matters is getting to feel comfortable with who we want to be with- yes, fall in love with and such. 21? No worries- give yourself permission to fall in love when ever you do! And trust me... early loves are nothing compared to what comes later as you are further along in everyway!

all the best,

_________________________
http://davidfmartinez.posterous.com/

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#269281 - 12/30/08 12:20 AM Re: how do you see yourself as a sexual person? [Re: DMCarrollG]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 303
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
Yeah, I really want to try and meet people now but I just don't know if I'm ready for that kind of thing. I'm not a relationship hopper either, if I find somebody worthwhile I tend to try and keep things going as long as I can, and that currently might not be a great thing, I feel like I would be too dependent. That aside, I'm also a bit of an idiot with women, what can I say, hahaha. I feel like I'm still in seventh grade. Fortunately for me, I'm patient so I'm in no rush. Thank you for words, I can definitely relate to that, except instead of my cousins room it was my room or the bathroom at grandma's house upstairs and out of the way of everybody else. Fucked up yeah?

Again, thanks for the support. Be well.


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#269317 - 12/30/08 08:30 AM Re: how do you see yourself as a sexual person? [Re: AndyS87]
Juni Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 12/10/08
Posts: 502
Loc: Florida, WPB
I identify as straight, I find women attractive and dated only women, although I will recognize when a man is handsome. However, I have sought approval, acceptance, and emotional love from men and have acted-out when they gave that love to me; this I attributed to the lack of love from my father and the CSA and has gotten me in trouble a couple of times. I get turned-on instantly by women but can be turned-on by physical contact by men. I am more passive sexually but will be aggressive if my appetite is up. Sometimes I will identify as bi-sexual but I choose to live as straight.

Juni

_________________________
Today I'm O.K.
One day at a time I make the journey.

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