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#26893 - 12/08/02 09:54 PM Season of Triggers
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
The last three days have been days of hell for me with respect to getting triggered by just about everything.

Friday, we had an office gift exchange. For reasons that go back to the days of my fked up dysfunctional family, gift giving isn't something I welcome. The last few times I tried to give gifts out of love, they were rejected in one way or another. For instance, in college I had very few dollars to live on and so in order to buy christmas gifts for my family I saved my spare pennies up. I didn't have more than $5 per person to spend but I tried to find appropiate things for everyone for $5. I've never heard so much complaining of "we got you this and this is all we get in return"... my god, it was the only money I had and I could have used it to buy food on that I needed so badly.

Then there was a time not too many years back where things were not good between myself and my family. So I sent them some money (small amount considering my income level at the time) and told them to treat themselves to something they wanted but maybe couldn't easily find the money for. What I got in return was "is this all you can do for us".

There were many more times but those two times give a pretty good picture of what gift giving meant to me. So for me to have to do this in the office, I really wanted to run out of their the other day. I actually had to work on some breathing and relaxation because I thought I was going to have an anxiety attack. I did make it through it, but was so glad when it was done.

Ok, Saturday Jeff and I went to the Innermotion Christmas performance. It was an excellent time and I would not want to miss it for anything. However it brought up just about every emotion that one can think of and I can't quite name all of the things it did bring up, but they were there.

So last night I started to get a migraine headache and it hurt so badly at one point that it felt like blood was being pumped into my brain while no blood could escape. The pressure and pain was excruciating. Jeff fortunately was around and got an ice pack and some medication that I have for these. With a little time, it started to settle down but this morning was still here. I slept a little, but it was not restful sleep.

Than today, we started to decorate the christmas cookies we had made. That just kept bringing me back to the times as a little boy or even as I was older that my mom and I would bake and decorate christmas cookies. It was always a special time we shared and one that I looked forward to. Since that time, on my own, I have taught myself how to bake and decorate these much like my mom did. However this year knowing that my mom is no longer around, the memories hurt like hell.

Right now, I don't want much else to do with Christmas because I've been triggered enough. I just want the holidays over because as they close, I know I face the anniversary of the dreaded phone call about my mom.

Its just tough right now and I'm having a hard time fully understanding the pain that I feel. At the same time my family thinks I am the crazy one because I have broken the silence. So other than Jeff and some close friends, I have no family... while that may not be a bad thing, it does hurt... because so many in our society during this time of the year can't understand how you don't want to be with your family during these times.

And if this isn't enough, the office Christmas party is coming up. I have no desire to go because I can't make it through another night of Christmas celebration with people. I just don't have the strength. And the CFO made me feel like I was ruining their christmas because I was neglecting the company by not being there for it. They don't know why I'm not going to be there because it is just too painful to talk about. But it really hurt to have to experience this... and so I am sure that others will most likely join in this week about me missing the party.... Please,,, get me to Thursday,, because I've got Friday off and then that miles marker will be in the rear view mirror.

Just having a rough time right now... and really need to know that I'm not alone... because I do feel alone right now.

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#26894 - 12/08/02 10:38 PM Re: Season of Triggers
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Don, you're not alone friend.

Don't know what else to say right now--can you believe that?! :rolleyes:

Take care friend

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#26895 - 12/09/02 12:15 AM Re: Season of Triggers
Roy Offline
Member

Registered: 08/02/02
Posts: 184
Loc: Los Angeles
OH MY GOD! I knew I had a long lost identical twin brother, I just knew it!!

You are so completely not alone with this I can't even believe. I was just telling someone why I hate this time of year, and then came on here to find your post. I might as well have printed it out and handed to the guy I was talking to. Same family dynamic. I broke the silence, now I'm the bad guy. Even though I have always been the peacemaker, crisis counselor, and pretty much responsible for everyone having a good time. I am the nurturer and the entertainer, at least I used to be, now I'm the scapegoat. One year, the last Christmas with my partner of 10 years because we were breaking up, I was very sad. My sister tells me "snap out of it, you're spoiling Christmas"! I just don't do gifts anymore with anybody for holidays. Period. If I find something special for someone during the year I will buy it and surprise them with it at the time.

My mother turns 86 tomorrow and I know this may be our last Christmas. She's doing well, but lets face it, at that age anything could happen. Like you, I remember our Christmas cookies exactly the way she made them, right down to the color of the frosting and the so-so taste. This is going to be a hard Christmas for you, no two ways about it. I hope your partner Jeff is loving and supportive during this time. Maybe you guys can start creating your own traditions. Jeff and your friends are your real family now, your family of choice, which can be a lot better than the one that came with the package deal.

It sounds like you are hurting and grieving and I just want you to know you are very much not alone.


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#26896 - 12/10/02 08:06 AM Re: Season of Triggers
guy43 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/17/02
Posts: 450
Loc: Minnesota
Season of Triggers... what a great title err well what a title I can relate to.

Don, you're not alone. I can relate to almost everything you've written. I've found yet another kindred spirit here at ms.

I'm doing my best to bypass xmas this year. I'm not doing the family thing. No xmas shopping and have asked that they don't give me "gifts". It's a big relief for me doing this. I feel fortunate that I can. Doing the family xmas thing is the last stress item I need right now.

Ha, I gotta be careful... looks a bit like I'm starting to take care of myself, my needs. fancy that eh.

A house across a small park from me is decorated with a rediculous amount of outdoor holiday lights. Dec 1 through January, the owner powers things up at night, lights dim all over town. In the middle of the night I wanna sneak over and pop those little bastards one by one.

-jer


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#26897 - 12/10/02 07:57 PM Re: Season of Triggers
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
A house across a small park from me is decorated with a rediculous amount of outdoor holiday lights. Dec 1 through January, the owner powers things up at night, lights dim all over town. In the middle of the night I wanna sneak over and pop those little bastards one by one.
-jer
Jer, I'd like to join you! That sounds like more fun than egging my mean old neighbors house on Halloween! \:D

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#26898 - 12/11/02 03:33 AM Re: Season of Triggers
Ross Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/02
Posts: 34
Loc: Vancouver, BC Canada
Hey W!

Sounds like not a great day for you. I really have a hard time with Christmas too. A few I'd rather not remember. Well, for what it is worth you have us all as your cyber survivor revivor family pack!!LOL

If not on the planet see you in the fall up!

Hang in friend.
Ross


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#26899 - 12/11/02 09:03 AM Re: Season of Triggers
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
"cyber survivor revivor family pack"!

Hey Ross that's cool!

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#26900 - 12/13/02 01:27 AM Re: Season of Triggers
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
Thanks everyone. I'm not at a point where I really want to say anything else on this right now. I had a major migraine headache attack on Monday night that is the worst I have ever had. I did schedule a therapy appointment for next week because there is just too much I need to process right now to wait for another month. I may write more later, but just wanted to say thanks for the responses.

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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