I was sexually abused twice in my life by brothers. The first incident occurred in a bath tub while I was at the age of 3 or 4 years old. I was very young to know anything bad was happening. I did not feel threatened for when I felt discomfort, I had the liberty to pull away. I still remember my brother being confused for himself about what happened for we were both young. He was at the age of 7-10. This incident lasted 20 seconds tops. I have a faint memory of this incident for I am not 100 percent on which brother was in the tub with me that day. however, the following is what i've considered sexual abuse and beyond the terror of rape I immediately realized was breaking apart my heart and soul.
I was about six years old when I was watching television in my parents room. I remember it like it happened yesterday. My brother came into the room and walked around as if he had nothing to do but just keep me company. However, he came upon me. He started taking off my clothes. When he took off my clothes, my only reaction and response was, "what are you doing?" What I saw after asking him this was the devil. I looked into his eyes as he gently said to me, "dont worry, just relax." This was the point where my world came down. From that point on of the abuse and rape, I realized that my body was being used for his pleasure and that my life was on the line, If I made any sudden movements toward this evil person I have in front of me. Immediately, I was struck with fear and did not believe I could stand up against such evil and craziness. It shocked me to know that my world was not safe but apparently surrounded by demons with my brother attacking me as he did.
As he took off my clothes, I remember seeing a possessed brother (his age was 12 years old). I couldn't believe his eyes and blindness nor did I want anything to do with it. I was so afraid to upset him that I hesitated acting fearful. After he took off my clothes, he sexually abused me in all the ways but one. The only thing he had not done to me to finish his abuse was insert his private into my mouth. Although I was as scared as anyone could be, I did do something in defense. As he climbed onto my chest, he tried to insert himself into my mouth, but I just closed my eyes and held my teeth togther so tightly that I could of chipped my teeth. He still tried to penetrate my teeth with his private. However, when I saw that he wouldn't stop trying, I opened my eyes and looked into his eyes while he was trying to have me do oral sex. I somehow moved beyond my fears of death and without a word, I shook my head 'No' to giving him oral sex. When I shook my head 'no', I did this expecting death. I did this fearing that he would kill me next. I believe the only way I was able to not fear death no more was to the fact that I felt dead after he began sexually performing on me. After he had done that, I knew I had nothing else to lose of my innocence and security. Somehow, when I shook my head 'no', I thought I could defend myself. Thankfully, after shaking my head 'no' and my abuse victim looking into my eyes, he stopped trying to penetrate into my mouth. Somehow, I defended myself and crushing my teeth and closing my eyes got me a sense of control. My abuser got off of me with a sense of remorse, but only sat against the wall and invited me to come upon him as a peace offering. as soon as he got off me, I knew the terror was not over for I was not out of the room yet. I kept my head down and shook my head 'no' to his invitation. and right after I got my clothes back on, he told me before I left the room, "don't say nothing okay" and I just went outside and acted like everything was okay.
While being six years old, I believed the world was beautiful with nothing to ever worry about because God had total control over everything. However, after being raped by my own brother, I prayed to God that a mistake had occurred that required him to rectify. At the age of six, I asked God to take me out of this world and allow me to be in heaven with him already, for he owes me that much. I remember praying and truly believed that he was going to take me out of this world. I asked for this of god because I thought my body was completely useless and not to be lived in ever again. I asked God that death would only rid me of this shame and disgust. However, I noticed that my death had not occurred. I cried to God in prayer asking why he would not take me out of this world when its been evident that a big mistake occurred and that there was no way he could expect me to live in such as tainted body. Through prayer, I felt God ask me to have faith in him and give him a chance to redeem me. I cried knowing he was asking me to believe and trust in him despite being given crucial evidence to not feel safe at all. Therefore, I sadfully accepted living in the body I hated and questioned to be of any use let alone functioning in sex again. As I remained in the world, my hope was in god to take me out but knew it was not going to happen. I knew i was in trouble for I had decided to not tell anyone. I decided this because I was too afraid of the problem getting worse or exploding more by having someone think I was lying. My parents and family were already dysfunctional enough to know that it was not going to be wise to come to my parents about what happened. However, fears came to me when I thought about asking for help. for instance, I thought my brother would kill himself or try to kill me for exposing his darkness into the light. I decided to keep it a secret but now knew I had no choice but to count on my own accord. However, I knew I was too hurt and lost to see anything clearly. I therefore prayed to god to protect me from not only my rapist brother but my own pain turning into complete hate. I asked God to simply not allow my brother to rape me again, for I feared I would black out and respond with self defense that could lead to violence. I cried to God to protect my innocence for I never wanted to hurt anyone even if it involved self defense. I told him that I would run away if i ever thought of doing harm to my own brother. I thought i would be evil and possessed if I ever hurt him. I cried to God that I will run away before becoming evil and hateful, that I could not allow myself be around anyone if I could not control my pain and suffering.
While praying how much I didn't want to harm my brother even in self defense, I felt god tell me through prayer how my brother is lost and needs help. I remember God telling me to forgive him and help him for it was him who lost site of God. Therefore, I began to have compassion for my brother to keep me from hating him. As I developed this relationship with God, I ignored sin and thought God had control. therefore, I believed God had control and that the only reasonable explanation for why such a abuse could occur was for punishment. I believed God punished me then. I started believing then that the punishment was discipline and that I should embrace it and learn from it for I couldn't withstand that kind of abuse again. however, I noticed that i was just a kid and couldn't imagine something I had done that could warrant such a punishment. furthermore, I thought my crime that caused my punishment of sexual abuse was something I had thought. I remember telling myself, " i guess it was something i thought that god did not like" but then again, i realized that my thoughts were completely innocent. I was six, i thought nothing else but about power rangers and playing games outside. therefore, I concluded that my abuse occurred because I had something bad in my subconcious and that god was trying to get my attention and that he had to allow sexual abuse to humble me to him. I thought this would make sense more than facing the reality of my soul being shattered without God's intervention. I grew up believing that my abuse was not a mistake but full of purpose. I believed that god allowed it to happen so my brother could have someone to relate to when it came to sexual abuse for he was a victim of sexual abuse himself.
Time passed by as I knew I was so lost and hurt. I ignored the wound to my soul and heart the same way my brother looked when he sexually abused me, which was of no concern. I accepted that if my own brother could not show me love, who was I to think that I was to love myself or believe I was worth anything if my own can't even treat me good. I grew up believing God was very harsh and though unfair, I had to follow him because he was in command. I didn't think much of God but mostly powerful in arrogance. I thought this because he did not grant my wish of death and removal of this horribly tainted body.
The physical sexual abuse did not occur again but the abuse and torment of my brother did not stop. For instance, several years later after the abuse, my abuser-brother had a girlfriend who asked me if I was still a virgin, and he interrupted and said, "I de-virginized him." Once again, my world stopped and I looked around for God to see if he was watching this horrible place I was living in that was beyond my body. I only looked towards his girlfriend and remained composed to ensure her that he could only be possibly joking. I told her I was a virgin yet felt horrible to imagine if my brother had technically de-virginized me. I was simply numb and just clarified again to God how much enough was enough, but only remembered that my brother was still my brother and that he needed serious help. I knew I had to stay away from him as much as possible.
Years later, I'm now 16 years old and I am just about convinced that the past is the past and never to be brought up again. However, while my brother was doing time in jail, I heard rumors of him putting down my parents for not being there for him. I heard he was cursing them out about how much he hated them for neglecting him in his childhood. When I heard this, I became very upset to know that the abuse I suffered that seemed to have some kind of purpose had none now. I realized that I had forgiven him and gave him so much grace and that I never expressed my hurts to others let alone him. therefore, I came to two people whom I trusted how he had sexually abused me and how much of a hypocrite he is to hold anything against his parents when he was forgiven. However, I was more upset to realize he was rightfully (apart from cursing out his parents) practicing showing his pain through admitting to his hurt and pain. even though i told two other people, they convinced me that it was so much to handle and deal with and that i should just trust that my abuser knows better and that he did not have to be confronted.
years went by and once again, I came across the same situation, my abuser-brother was cursing out our parents and showing resentment towards them. my spirit was bothered by this and realized that I too had been hurt yet never did anything about it. and in the mean time, i'm seeing my abuser benefiting the rights of his worth by speaking of his pain but telling me to be silent. i noticed a problem immediately and finally decided to confront him. I called him over the phone and told him to not be disrespectful to our parents. I told him that he must understand them as well before jumping to negative conclusions. however, he was convinced about how he was treating our parents. therefore, i finally said to him and i heard silence take over our conversation after i said, "why do you act like you can't forgive when I forgive you without any apology"...it was very quiet. The silence was stone cold and full of truth. I let him know that i was hurt and how I never got any kind of apology. Then, I asked him, "well... are you sorry?" He went from being upset to humbling himself and sofly said, "i've been wanting to say sorry for so many years but never knew how I could after what i've done."
I cried that night and asked God what was happening in my life. I started having knightmares and my spirit, body, and soul starting having war with one another about right from wrong. I came across something i realized i had not come across and that was me. I started caring for me the moment i spoke up to him the pain i had suffered. i began reading the bible and learning more about jesus christ and his power. i cried to jesus asking if he knew my pain, if he knew what i was going through this whole time and if he knew my fears. I asked jesus how he would set me free. Jesus responded and I'll never forget his spirit on me when I heard him say, "you have no more to fear and you have every right to speak the truth". therefore, I decided to go public about my sexual abuse. I went to family, friends, classmates, strangers, and everyone I could of told that I never imagined telling when I was six years old. Through all of this, I depended on Jesus's power and kingship to carry me through. This truth I let out was my act of worship and revival of my worth. I started having demons coming to my sleep and satan himself as well. I learned to cast of these demons by just speaking jesus christ in my dream. I spent the next couple of years being single for I knew I had a lot of growth to focus on now that I finally went public about my abuse.
The time has reached today and I'm 24 years old. I'm married and can say that my brother and I are distant from each other. He tried being understanding and asked for my forgiveness but he does not respect me talking about my pain. He has once again asked me to keep my voice down about my abuse for he has fear that his children will one day find out.
After my abuse, i've learned boundaries and grace from God to say that I have the right to keep a distance from my brother for he does not respect me getting help. this has caused me to question my safety and relationship with my brother. he wasn't like this at first but believe he mainly wanted to just say sorry and hope that i would just get over it by night. he has noticed that it doesn't work that way and wants his distance for he feels threatened by my new identity in christ that fears no one but God.
although i struggle with the past, I know my savior jesus christ is proof to be the intervention we've all wanted during our traumatizing abuse. I believe jesus is the one who forgives sins and also has the power over earth and heaven to rule. after learning about his great love marked by grace and mercy, I do not feel so alone and distant from god any more. I can now say I love God and not blame him. I can say that my spirit has been damaged most to affect my self-esteem involving my body, faith, and worth. I've come to jesus in brokenness, and hatefullnes. i've realized that he still accepts me and has overflowing compassion to my pain.
I give Jesus all my life and hope. He brings me to tears within moments when I think about him, for I know he loves me unlike anyone could ever do on earth or heaven. Its Jesus who cares for me and directs my path. Its he that has given me strength and permission to face the terror.
through the gospel, jesus christ has pierced my heart when he says in>
Edited by 1love4christ (02/03/09 08:14 PM)