im 20yo, straight guy but i have a huge self conciousness about my sexuality. I really want to act/look/ and feel like a man. I cant grow any substantial amount of facial hair. After about 1 week of not shaving there are these little blonde hairs that sprout in small areas around my chin and stuff. I dont think i will ever be able to grow a goatee or anyhting. But i think that there is something physically wrong with me...because i dont think it is possible for this to be a mental problem coming from my past sexual abuse.. so im wondering if anyone knows about young males and low testoterone levels? thats what i have myself conviced it is...but wont go tell my docter because he may think im nuts and wont even take me seiously. I mean i do have quite a bit of leg and pubic hair, also i do have arpit hair..it just nothing on the face and chest. One more reason for me to believe there is something wrong is because i always think to myself i dont "have the balls" literally. Maybe that is from the abuse and my homophobia...when i was young i remember my babysitter, who molested me, well i remember his pen%s size and his tesT&s and still to this day have a visual of it when i was 9yo.and back when it happened my babysitters seems far larger than mine at the time.. and i still compare his to mine to this day and i begin to believe that mine b^lls arent the normal size. that im not as much of a man as every other guy out there. the last reason is when i look at my father i really notice that he has "man boobs" lol, im seious and i read thaat that was a syptom of low testoterone. And from my eyes he doesnt seem to act like how alot of other men act. He doesnt have the muscle mass, the mon boob thing, small amounts of facial hair, ive never seen a pic in my life when he had any kind of facial hair...i would taalk to him about it but he wouldnt believe me about it..

anyways sorry about the length needed to get some shit off my chest...its always hard for me to talk about this kinda topic.

Lando,

There is a kind of doctor called a Urologist. I guess he's the closet kind of doctor for men. That is, he's seen every kind of penis on earth...at least a representations of said member. These guys are extremely sensitive to the kind of questions that you and I are afraid of asking. I mean everthing that you asked about...from testosterone levels to penis size and facial hair. I'm blond and I didn't have a full beard until my mid twenties. I was always self conscious because I wasn't circumsized and I thought that I would make a miserable lover. Well, a million years later, after two of the most beautiful daughters you've ever seen, and nearly 40 years of marriage, I can tell you that you're going to do just fine.
But the reason that I mentioned the urologist Doc, is that you ought to hear these things from the "horses mouth," since it's you you're concerned about. And don't worry about worrying...we male survivors worry about most everything MALE and what we're "supposed" to be like.

David

Sexual abuse has absolutely no effect on hormones, body hair, penis size, or any of the other concerns of most men. It has to do with heredity. Your genes will determine the amount of testosterone that affects your body hair.

As David said, you can go to your primary care doc or to a urologist and get it from them, but I can tell you straight up (for free) that it has nothing to do with abuse.

I have a decent goatee and moustache for the past 25 years or so, but from the time that I was a teen until I was in my early 30s, I couldn't grow a 'stash worth s**t. My son is 28, 6'5" and 200 lbs. He is still unable to grow a decent moustache or goatee and he is a "chick magnet". Go figure.
Ken

PS You said:
Assuming that your babysitter was an adolescent or at least older than a 9 yr old, of course his penis and testicles would be larger than yours. It was no trick of your imagination. Genitals grow larger after puberty. Even, if somehow you were pubescent at 9, he was a lot larger than you due to Mother Nature. If you were to compare your teen genitals with a 9 year old (don't try this at home) you would find yours were bigger. It always works out that way. Don't worry, you are normal.

I used to have more of a problem with body image. I, too, was sure my genitals were smaller than standard. Sometimes that bothered me, sometimes it didn't.

What was amazing, though, was how my image changed after I started addressing abuse issues. I did not think I had a distorted self-image, so that was not why I sought therapy. (I went because I wanted someone to help remember exactly what happened...that expectation changed)

Anyway, one day I just noticed myself, my naked body, and I was like, "Wow! I'm a man! When did that happen." I was in my mid-thirties.

Although I did not have a beard then, I had had one years prior. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that regardless of whatever standard may exist and whether or not I was more or less masculine than that, my own perception of myself changed radically in a pretty short time.

Again, although I wasn't overly concerned by it, I thought my penis was small, my testicles were small, that I was effiminate, etc.

Later I saw that such was not the case. The change was in such a short abount of time, and in my thirties, so I am sure we are not talking about physical maturation here.

I think the standard for me was my (perp) brother, who now that I think about it probably defined masculinity for me as much as anybody or anything else. I was pre- or early pubescent, and he well into his teens.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but just thought I would add my two cents' worth.

Ok, first of all thank you guys very mmuch for the words of wisdom. This has helped me a bit in my progress. Today i went to a Tai Chi class and changed infront of 3 other men without really thinking too much...that was a firat in wow many years. i still had my t-shirt on and tried to hide my genitals as much as possible but didnt even care if they say me. I was very proud of myself today.
Now if only i can be comfortable with showering after hockey tonight infront of my friends. that would be a huge step for me.

well once again thanks guys for the insight!

peace take care,

Lando

Hi Lando,
I too have a problem with body image. I have lost 100 pounds recently and still see myself as fat. Others tell me I am skinny, but I don't see that. I too hate to take my clothes off in front of anyone both because of the fact I think I am fat and because it leaves me feeling so vulnerable. I assume the latter would be at least partly attributable to my SA. I work for a company that has a gym and I use that gym, but I take my lunch late in the afternoon so that I basically have the place to myself. Even so just knowing that someone can come in at anytime I tie a towel around myself and rush to and from the showers (they are semi-private showers). Most guys just strut their way through the locker room in the alltogether, talking to other people and the like. I could never do that! Especially not talking to someone while I am naked!!! Guess I'm just a mess!
Broken

What is it? I mean I too have struggled with body-image issues... I'm tall, a dancer, I am attractive... I have measured my penis countless times over the course of the past decade and yep, each time am above average, but still... so, is it based in reality? NO. yet, I feel unworthy... less-than... less powerful... I sit on public transportation and am obsessed by men with larger hands than me... "man hands"... I mean, I sort of see the connecting dots, but then where do I go from seeing where the issues stem from to them not having such a visceral hold?

I'm just now realizing, through an amazing growing relationship, that much that I project outside is actually the stuff swirling around in my head and that deep down I feel totally unloveable and shame-filled and unworthy. It's amazing that I can live an outwardly great life and in general not be in too bad of shape, but rub up against this genuine pain I have kept at bay for so long... partly because as I see it I think- of course I want to keep it sealed away, what the hell do I do with it now? After the fact?

It's awful- to feel like less of a man... less deserving of physical pleasure or the chance to hold my head up high or to love and be loved... and to spend so much time focused on external things like unchangeable bodies... I'm smart and know it makes no sense, but damn... it's so often present for me.

The male penis is a wonderful piece of machinary and there are growers then there are showers. You never know what a man has got when he is not erect. I have always had a poor body image of myself and have forced myself to strip in locker rooms and to take my time as I knew that I had a right to be there. you did well at tai chi and i hope you do just as good at hocky showers.

Dusty