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#268524 - 12/24/08 02:01 AM What about me?
ramen Offline


Registered: 12/24/08
Posts: 2
Ok a guess some background info on me is in order first, ill try to keep things as focused on key things?

1) I grew up traveling in europe and asia, then stayed for 2/3 of that time in the US
2) until 1st grade it was just my mom and me
- she had a boyfriend that was close to being my father at a young age, but he cheated on her, they're still friends
- when I was five i had my first sexual encounter, it involved me and my best friend (also 5) pleasuring each other. at that time neither of us weren't aware of the social views on the matter and just though, 'hey, we're closer than brothers'. at that age i always seemed to be protected by him. we got caught and got into big trouble (really bad punishments that i think could count as child abuse today, candle wax and hot water, i still have a scar on ramen jr.) we're still friends, but being on different continents we don't really talk, when i visit its like we're still best friends, but the longer we're around each other, the more aware we are of the past and then things just get akwardly silent)
- we had a 3 musketeers thing going, and we had another friend. when me and the other friend were alone, he'd always show me his junk and try to get me to show him mine (also at age 5 i think). id always say no. i never told my best friend though. i moved and and visited when we were both 12, he did the same thing again. havent seen him since he sort of disapeared
- both of them were from homes that have or had divorced parents
- when i was six a lot of the girls in my grade had crushes on me. one would always take me into the bathroom and expose herself. id always turn around.

- i moved to the states when i was 7 and when i was sleeping in the same bed as my two uncles (10 or 11?), i recall being fondled. i dont know who because i pretended to sleep, but could have been both.

- from 10 up until i was 20 i always had this big brother crush on my godmother's son who is ten years older than me.

- in highschool, i fell in love with a male classmate. the feeling was mutual, but i never moved it past friends. this kind of hurt both parties involved and we havent seen each other, he was kind for one, dumb as a post (although i never really felt that he was dumb, i dunno if it was feelings that clouded that) for the other (i got turned on when he'd say spontaneous ideas of genius), and apparently girls from all the grades thought him easily the hottest guy in school.

-for some reason, during a grade camping trip a truth or dare question was asked and when the question was for a guy, if you had to be 'with' a guy in our grade who would it be?, 8 out of 10 the answer was always me. also, throughout highschool, id defend a lot of the girls that were being made fun of, they'd become my friend and would eventually have big crushes on me, i didnt know what to do in that situation as most of them didnt like one another and i wasnt sure if i actually could function in a relationship with a girl

- sometimes have casual hookups with guys, the idea of it beforehand is the draw. but for the most part once doing the actual deed i just am not into it and think of things like, 'i wonder if there's left over pizza in the fridge'

- im not turned off by women, but im more turned on by the idea of a guy than a girl. i always tell myself that i dont have a relationship with a girl, aside from the offers, is because im not sure what my sexualiaty is and i dont want to hurt them as a result of my unreadiness

-my mom married when i was 7. it was good at first. much later i realized that i never really see my dad. i figured it was because of being wasps. i then find out at 22 that my dad is sexually confused after cleaning the house and finding things in his belongings. it made sense, since later i never really felt him in the ideal father role, also i felt that our family was so apart and it might as well have been a sham family.

- i later find out that my mom knew since i was 15 and she kept it inside since. a week ago she had a something close to a heart attack, because my parents just stress each other out. my dad's always working and i figured he would be leading a double life, he even left us for a year to go somewhere. he came back after and i always figured it was a midlife crisis. i was worried for my mom's health, so she told me the things i always suspected tearfully and said she wanted a divorce. i replied that i knew and was completely alright with it. i have been emotionally unattached to my parent's marraige since i was a sophomore in high school, the resulting stress from their infighting and chaos was doing a number on my already hormone filled teen years, i recall my left arm feeling numb when i used to cry every night.

-right now my dad's sleeping upstairs. i dont think he knows what's coming. we're very rich, and my mom stayed with him for my future. i told her money and material is nothing, and im a grown up now, so not to worry. most of it was his anyway, plus id find out he'd be taking large sums of money from the joint account and putting them into other accounts secretly.


- at this point im pretty sure they'll both be fine when divorced since i think its for their benefit.



now on to me. i dont know where i stand sexually? physically in thought im attracted to guys. but when we're doing the deed unless they're amazingly hot,i just feel like getting up and getting food right in the middle of it, or hurry it up to get them to go. ive never been with a girl, and have no opposition to it, but im not geared up to have a purely sexual relationship with a girl, i dont know why. ive only been in love with a guy once. but other than that im relatively asexual? what am i? and what is it a result of or is it something that just is?

- as a guy ive always been on the cutish handsome side
- however im actually very pretty for a guy (even moreso when i was younger), larger lips, exotic eyes, skin that looks like it has blush, general ideals for a girl in society, i dont know if that has any affect. one time a guy asked me out when he though i was a girl, pre puberty

thoughts?









Edited by ramen (12/24/08 02:10 AM)

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#268542 - 12/24/08 09:13 AM Re: What about me? [Re: ramen]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
That's a pretty complex history, I must say. I hope you can get some helpful responses here but it sounds like you need to be seeing a therapist to help sort out all the issues.

Guys around here have been kicking around the struggle to figure out sexual orientation for a long time (you may want to do a topic search for the site or just sexual identity). Early experiences (abusive or consensual) can cause some confusion about identity. It sounds like you've had emotional attractions to males, which may be a strong indicator for where you are most comfortable. Lack of experiece with females can be a big question mark but given your opportunities versus getting involved with them sexually, who knows how you'd be in a sexual situation with a female you felt comfortable with?

Hopefully, you have a competant, experienced therapist you can work on this with.


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#268545 - 12/24/08 10:07 AM Re: What about me? [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
ramen Offline


Registered: 12/24/08
Posts: 2
wow, after reading some of the other threads i'd have thought my situation was the norm here. ah well, thanks for the incite anyway. i didn't think i'd actually need one, i'll look into this therapist thing

thanks



Edited by ramen (12/24/08 10:08 AM)

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#268648 - 12/25/08 10:22 AM Re: What about me? [Re: ramen]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
You might want to check out:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/consumers-guide.html

when you first talk to a potential therapist.

Good luck


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