i know what you mean eric. i often look back at some of my rantings and think to myself, wow that seems pretty rancorous of me. i had been one of the chronically disgruntled
, but i learned the only way to get out those feelings and convert them into usable energy is to flush em out at the source. you can't know the source as long as you keep editing out your basic image so that it seems palatable and nicey nice for others. nobody has to live with me but me; everyone else can change the channel if they don't like what is coming forth from me; but no, i can't. i have nowhere to run and hide from me. so the best i can do is make peace with me, and i do that by allowing myself to show my best and worse face. it's a process from which, unfortunately, there is no vacating.
through this up and down, back and forth in and out process of recovery, i too have diminished the impact of the experiences that contributed to shaping the me i am today.
but beyond my own opinion of it, the fact remains that me, myself and i, ron, is a unique event. all that happened to me, never happened to anyone else quite the same way it happened to me, and i have my own unique set of characteristics which caused me to act and react accordingly.
the less than pleasant experiences left their impression on me and that will last a lifetime. i will spend the rest of my life at odds with myself, trying to reconcile these things, because they are never healed once and for all. they take on a new purpose as you move from one life stage to the next, as you become older. it's like having diabetes from which you will never recover, and that which will take on new meaning as you advance through life's stages, getting old and finally dying. you just keep taking the cure.
from all appearances, while everyone else is seemingly just floating right along life's easy tide, ebbing and flowing with seemingly little resistance, here we are caught in a whirlpool, struggling to keep from whisking down the drain.
but you know what i like the most about me today? i am a multi-dimensional person. i am mercurial. i am shape shifting. i am not frozen glass, nor am i stoney. i am hot blooded organic living breathing substance. for better or worse, i contribute to the tapestry.
i've come a long way from formerly seeing myself as a drip from a leaky faucet, to seeing myself as a drop in the ocean of life.
wish you all the best, and a snappy new year!