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#268517 - 12/24/08 12:23 AM Just some thoughts
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1959
I guess I just wanted to post. Sometimes I know I complain, and sometimes I think back after I have done so and am not sure why I did. Sometimes I post things that don't make sense. I sometimes think I make my own experiences out to be these terrible things, and then I read other stories and feel maybe I am making too big of a deal out of my own stuff. Yet I know my own stuff does hurts; it hurts me at least. Maybe that is enough. Sometimes I thinks I want to pretend that nothing really happened and that things have been okay in my life. But if I did that, I am not sure where that would lead. Sometimes I get glimpses of hope that things will get better. But other times I get overwhelmed and depressed over all that has been, and I feel helpless that I could ever overcome these things and find peace in my life. Other times I get moments of peace, and that helps a lot. There are good days and there are bad. One of my problems is that I idealize what my life should have been like under different circumstances. Not being able to let that go eats me up. I had a thought recently that I can not wait until this bad stuff all goes away before I can get on with life. If I did that I will never get on with it, so I figure it is better to try and keep improving things in my life while at the same time I can also work on dealing with my past and issues. Related to that I have learned (or I at least hope so) not to self-destruct in times of distress, but more so try to just hang on and get through the rough spots. Anyway, there is a lot of growth and letting go I need to do. I think if I take steps to make improvements in my life that it will be easier for me accept my life as it is today, but letting go is pretty hard for me. Of course, not being able to let go just brings me down. On the plus side of things, I used to be a lot worse in this regards. Oh well, I suppose I can try to pick this up again in '09; but for now I need to just get through the holidays. Or at least that is how it feels at this moment; everything fluctuates so fast for me sometimes (one minute I feel okay, the next I feel terrible). Take care and a happy holidays to everyone.

Eric


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#268567 - 12/24/08 11:32 AM Re: Just some thoughts [Re: ericc]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, ericc, you have me for company. Hey that is one of the reasons why I am in this web site, and on this page right now. I sure do my share of complaining, and surely have made some posts that might not make much sense. But we have to try and just let it all hang out. I will listen to anything that you have to say. I will always give you compassion, understanding and love, as I'm sure that most here do for me. Heal well my friend/brother, and keep complaining and posting.
Pete (Irishmoose)

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#268577 - 12/24/08 12:15 PM Re: Just some thoughts [Re: ericc]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
i know what you mean eric. i often look back at some of my rantings and think to myself, wow that seems pretty rancorous of me. i had been one of the chronically disgruntled, but i learned the only way to get out those feelings and convert them into usable energy is to flush em out at the source. you can't know the source as long as you keep editing out your basic image so that it seems palatable and nicey nice for others. nobody has to live with me but me; everyone else can change the channel if they don't like what is coming forth from me; but no, i can't. i have nowhere to run and hide from me. so the best i can do is make peace with me, and i do that by allowing myself to show my best and worse face. it's a process from which, unfortunately, there is no vacating.

through this up and down, back and forth in and out process of recovery, i too have diminished the impact of the experiences that contributed to shaping the me i am today.

but beyond my own opinion of it, the fact remains that me, myself and i, ron, is a unique event. all that happened to me, never happened to anyone else quite the same way it happened to me, and i have my own unique set of characteristics which caused me to act and react accordingly.

the less than pleasant experiences left their impression on me and that will last a lifetime. i will spend the rest of my life at odds with myself, trying to reconcile these things, because they are never healed once and for all. they take on a new purpose as you move from one life stage to the next, as you become older. it's like having diabetes from which you will never recover, and that which will take on new meaning as you advance through life's stages, getting old and finally dying. you just keep taking the cure.

from all appearances, while everyone else is seemingly just floating right along life's easy tide, ebbing and flowing with seemingly little resistance, here we are caught in a whirlpool, struggling to keep from whisking down the drain.

but you know what i like the most about me today? i am a multi-dimensional person. i am mercurial. i am shape shifting. i am not frozen glass, nor am i stoney. i am hot blooded organic living breathing substance. for better or worse, i contribute to the tapestry.

i've come a long way from formerly seeing myself as a drip from a leaky faucet, to seeing myself as a drop in the ocean of life.

wish you all the best, and a snappy new year!

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#268858 - 12/27/08 12:53 AM Re: Just some thoughts [Re: Sans Logos]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Greetings, Sans Logos/ron.
Pretty powerful words, ron. Yes, I seem to be one of those chronically disgruntled too. But I sure haven't learned much in my 69 years, but i sure have learned a lot about little Peter, things that were buried in my very soul, things that I tried to drown in alcohol and things that I ried to run away from. I sure have learned a lot about little Peter since the 1st of August. Now I know just why I considered myself, and right now, right at this very minute less than zero. Yes that poem sure fits me right now. I am in an emotional sort of death spiral. I now see where my lack of proper emotions and social skills have led me. I have never really shown any kind of emotions toward girls/females. But I sure have emotions to spare when it comes to my boys, (son & 2 grandsons) males of course. Right now I have shown my worst face to someone who has given herself to me for 35 years. Right now I don't know how to convert my feelings, except to leave. To really find myself, just who am I? Yes as we get older and another stage in life ends the buried little Peter came home. And the big Peter is still trying to find his way into the next stage, but it hurts, it's killing me inside, and I seem to be taking almost everybody with me. Oh God, I better go.
Heal well my friends/brothers.
Pete (Irishmoose)



Edited by petercorbett (12/27/08 12:53 AM)
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#269013 - 12/27/08 09:45 PM Re: Just some thoughts [Re: petercorbett]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1959
Thanks Ron and Peter. Peter, take care of yourself and it will be alright. I know you are dealing with a lot in such a short period of time. I think open and honest communication is best.

Eric


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