Today everything was going great, as the last few months have been. I stopped posting and visiting this site for awhile. Don't really know why. I decided to post something sometime ago and then was told that maybe I have D.I.D, someone in some far away corner provided a clinical diagnosis on a post I wrote. I did not mind at the time but then began to worry about it enough to talk to my therapist about it. She told me not to fret and that in all our time spent together she did not see that in me. Now today I found out that a co-worker once dated the perp who did number on me all those years ago. The rush of inetense feelings surged and my heartbeat rose quickly, I could feel the lump in my throat swell as blood coarsed through my veins. Why does this affect me like this, why do we continually have to be reminded that we are different from everyobdy else? You try and try to thrive and you wind up at square one, well maybe not, but it sometimes feels like it. This feeling is gripping me in the chest now, all this anguish and torment mounts to the surface and I am so angry I could literally cry out.
I don't want pity from anyone but when my co-worker said that I couldn't help but blurt out loud that he James Dean fucked me up real good(sorry for the language). Yeah we were kids and at times I feel so damn confused about this abuse stuff. It's almost Christmas and I don't know why this hurts so damn much. I was able to speak of him before but now, right now, my heart hates him so much. Where do I stand? I don't know anymore, one day this and the other that. Still so much buried maybe that it comes and goes like a tidal wave.
I feel like I am rambling but nonetheless I needed to get it out becuase right now I am all rage. Sometimes anger wants to come out as tears, unfortunately I cannot cry anymore for whatever reason I don't know. Will there ever be a day when I know who I am sexually, a day when his name won't mean damn thing, a day when I am open to love. I would crtainly hope so.
I am the warrior.