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#268462 - 12/23/08 04:16 PM I hate you
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Today everything was going great, as the last few months have been. I stopped posting and visiting this site for awhile. Don't really know why. I decided to post something sometime ago and then was told that maybe I have D.I.D, someone in some far away corner provided a clinical diagnosis on a post I wrote. I did not mind at the time but then began to worry about it enough to talk to my therapist about it. She told me not to fret and that in all our time spent together she did not see that in me. Now today I found out that a co-worker once dated the perp who did number on me all those years ago. The rush of inetense feelings surged and my heartbeat rose quickly, I could feel the lump in my throat swell as blood coarsed through my veins. Why does this affect me like this, why do we continually have to be reminded that we are different from everyobdy else? You try and try to thrive and you wind up at square one, well maybe not, but it sometimes feels like it. This feeling is gripping me in the chest now, all this anguish and torment mounts to the surface and I am so angry I could literally cry out.

I don't want pity from anyone but when my co-worker said that I couldn't help but blurt out loud that he James Dean fucked me up real good(sorry for the language). Yeah we were kids and at times I feel so damn confused about this abuse stuff. It's almost Christmas and I don't know why this hurts so damn much. I was able to speak of him before but now, right now, my heart hates him so much. Where do I stand? I don't know anymore, one day this and the other that. Still so much buried maybe that it comes and goes like a tidal wave.

I feel like I am rambling but nonetheless I needed to get it out becuase right now I am all rage. Sometimes anger wants to come out as tears, unfortunately I cannot cry anymore for whatever reason I don't know. Will there ever be a day when I know who I am sexually, a day when his name won't mean damn thing, a day when I am open to love. I would crtainly hope so.

_________________________
I am the warrior.

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#268480 - 12/23/08 06:31 PM Re: I hate you [Re: Letourski]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 982
Loc: HULBERT OK
I have ben where you are emotionly, several times. Yell scream beat up a tree. Just let out the pain.
I have neaver ben able to get rid of the hate. But it feels better. When you beat the shit out of a pillow

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#268482 - 12/23/08 07:00 PM Re: I hate you [Re: Letourski]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
[quote= Will there ever be a day when I know who I am sexually, a day when his name won't mean damn thing, a day when I am open to love. I would crtainly hope so. [/quote]

I don't think any one can answer this question for you. I so hear what you are saying and how you are feeling. You are not alone and even though it does not make it better, it tells us that we are human and that our thoughts and feelings do mean something, especially to us.

I thought I was thru. with my perp. brother and resolved to never see or hear from him again. Then last week he sends me a Christmas Card. And just like you, all the feelings and emotions came back. The hate appeared again and how I forgave him this past August suddenly disappeared. The hatred for him must still exist. He is trying to control my life again. I hate him for that.

And of course the Holiday Season does not make it any easier.

We are with you.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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